She left this weekend. A friend has a special event and she wanted to be there with them. I saw her Friday evening, Saturday for lunch, and Sunday night. ... ...
I hear the question be asked, "what is the problem, you saw her every day this weekend." In the intermediate period between Saturday lunch and Sunday night she drove 2.5 hours away. I missed her. She missed me. My heart ached and was sad because she wasn't nearby. My mind informed me that she was only a couple hours away and you still saw her everyday this weekend.
It was a new, different feeling. I can't say that I have ever experienced anything like that before. I'm thankful for my mind otherwise I might've been some love-sick boy pining after his girl all day until she returned to me. My mind countered my heart.
Beyond that it offered some simple logic to the equation. The last time we were separated we were just beginning to date. We still communicated, but the emotional connections that had been made over the past 3 months were not as developed as they are now. We were not in love with each other at the time. We liked each other and enjoyed each others company. I can't help but chuckle at this change in me.
Happiness is a weird concept for me. Until recently (read the past couple of months) I would rarely say I was happy, though I would classify myself as content. I am realizing more and more that happiness found in people, places, or things really is fleeting. I make these observations because of my roommate.
There was a woman he was interested in. She was a nice lady; smart, intelligent, educated, and attractive. They spent a couple months getting to know each other and hanging out. He finally indicated that he was interested in her. She took her time, and I don't know the full story, but appears to not be interested in him in a like manner.
I don't say this often, but I do love and care for him. We have spent 5 years living together. He is like a brother to me. I want to see him happy. I shared some of that with him and it wasn't until I heard his response that something hit me. He spends his time, money, and energy seeking happiness in things that are fleeting. He strives to be the best employee and worker he can be and then work "laterally" moves him to another position. (He truly is a good, dependable, reliable, employee; honestly better than me.) He seeks happiness in being a good friend. He is cherishes friendships, and goes out of his way to be available to friends; but then friends hurt him, move away, or leave him by the wayside. He desires marriage and yet has been engaged and broken up twice. He attempts to find happiness is material belongings and "nice things" and yet they break, require maintenance, or rarely bring the solace he is looking for.
I saw all this, having witnessed it first hand. He strives for happiness and yet it eludes him at every destination. The platitude of "seek happiness in Jesus" feels like it would fit, but it sounds so foolish to say, and even more difficult to share. I'm not a person who could say that to him and feel like I am reaching him, being taken seriously, or even have it given serious thought.
I care for this man as though he were my brother. He has grown on me (and hopefully I have grown on him). I value his friendship and his advice. I want him to be happy. I want him to find happiness that is permanent.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
She. Loves. Me.
A couple of weeks ago I made an impulsive and rash decision to tell this woman that I loved her. I'm not ashamed of that fact, though I was a little embarrassed at my recklessness. I do love her. I love many things about her (character, heart, zeal for God, to name a few). It doesn't change my feelings for her. I have stated my goals previously. I want to see her grow and to be an encouragement to her. I have simply put words to these actions that have been present since the beginning of our relationship.
We spent the weekend together. We broke bread and watched sports together. We watched movies, tv shows, attended an art fair, spent time with her family, and I took her and her sister out on a little date. As the weekend was winding down and her family had moved on, we were going to spend a little more time with just us.
We sat in the bed of my truck in her driveway. The laptop was playing Dr. Who and I whispered softly in her ear that I loved her. This wasn't new. She would always hold me tightly after I would tell her. I tried not to say it too often.
This time was different though. She looked at me, smiled, and quietly said, "I love you too." ... ...
I was shocked; I wasn't expecting her to return the phrase. I was speechless. It felt like my heart exploded out of my chest. It was physically impossible for me to smile more than I was. I wanted to shout and scream and jump for joy. I held her so tight that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I didn't want to let go. I was just so very happy.
She said that she would always say it in return to me. I think I may have told her I loved her a dozen times over the next hour just to hear her say it back to me. I may have been so flabbergasted that I may have told her that I was going to buy her a pizza.
I had a good weekend. I had a very good weekend. I believe I have a permanent smile now. I should probably get that checked out.
We spent the weekend together. We broke bread and watched sports together. We watched movies, tv shows, attended an art fair, spent time with her family, and I took her and her sister out on a little date. As the weekend was winding down and her family had moved on, we were going to spend a little more time with just us.
We sat in the bed of my truck in her driveway. The laptop was playing Dr. Who and I whispered softly in her ear that I loved her. This wasn't new. She would always hold me tightly after I would tell her. I tried not to say it too often.
This time was different though. She looked at me, smiled, and quietly said, "I love you too." ... ...
I was shocked; I wasn't expecting her to return the phrase. I was speechless. It felt like my heart exploded out of my chest. It was physically impossible for me to smile more than I was. I wanted to shout and scream and jump for joy. I held her so tight that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I didn't want to let go. I was just so very happy.
She said that she would always say it in return to me. I think I may have told her I loved her a dozen times over the next hour just to hear her say it back to me. I may have been so flabbergasted that I may have told her that I was going to buy her a pizza.
I had a good weekend. I had a very good weekend. I believe I have a permanent smile now. I should probably get that checked out.
Roads, where we're going we don't need roads.
The busyness of the beginning of the semester has dissipated. Routines are beginning to develop and here in another week or two habits will be formed. We are working through the trials that accompany goals, work, and spending time together as a couple.
It is beginning to weigh on me that I haven't taken her out for a special date in a week or two. We have both been busy. We have definitely made time for each other, but I want to do something special for her. Where is this creative mind when I need something (yes brain I'm talking about you)?
The other day I realized just how strong and special she is. She works part time, attends school full time, is in (arguably) the wordiest majors one could pick, and commutes to school (20 minutes there and 20 back). When she has free time she wants to spend it with me. This is a new place for me.
I am her prize, her reward for completing her work.
It is beginning to weigh on me that I haven't taken her out for a special date in a week or two. We have both been busy. We have definitely made time for each other, but I want to do something special for her. Where is this creative mind when I need something (yes brain I'm talking about you)?
The other day I realized just how strong and special she is. She works part time, attends school full time, is in (arguably) the wordiest majors one could pick, and commutes to school (20 minutes there and 20 back). When she has free time she wants to spend it with me. This is a new place for me.
I am her prize, her reward for completing her work.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Untitled due to lack of a better title
My thoughts seem to be focused on the present recently. What I am doing immediately; what is currently going on in my life. Either I have been enjoying my current life or I have been a very shallow person recently.
I had an interesting thought at church the other day. The pastor was speaking about Israel and how they ran away from their calling. I'm reminded of what God originally called Israel to do; they were to be the preachers of God to the world. God called them to be pastors. They were to be a nation of pastors.
I looked at my pastor and realized that this man has no special ability. He has training; an education, but his ability to preach does not make him special. The pastor is following a plan for his life. He knows that he is called to preach and is not running away from it. The pastor becomes dear to me because of our relationship, not because he is the pastor. If we had no relationship then there would be no reason to consider him any more or less special than another person.
Israel fled from their calling. They ran so far in another direction that God eventually said, "this is not working" and tried a different method. How different would this world be had Israel embraced their calling and become the pastors of their world? If they actively went and built relationships with other nations and became dear to them?
I have made a new friend this past year. She has become very dear to me. I care for her a great deal. She feels safe and comfortable in my arms. She knows that when I am there I will protect her, care for her, and treat her with respect and love her. What would happen if an entire nation could feel that way when someone from Israel would show up (or even my country)?
I had an interesting thought at church the other day. The pastor was speaking about Israel and how they ran away from their calling. I'm reminded of what God originally called Israel to do; they were to be the preachers of God to the world. God called them to be pastors. They were to be a nation of pastors.
I looked at my pastor and realized that this man has no special ability. He has training; an education, but his ability to preach does not make him special. The pastor is following a plan for his life. He knows that he is called to preach and is not running away from it. The pastor becomes dear to me because of our relationship, not because he is the pastor. If we had no relationship then there would be no reason to consider him any more or less special than another person.
Israel fled from their calling. They ran so far in another direction that God eventually said, "this is not working" and tried a different method. How different would this world be had Israel embraced their calling and become the pastors of their world? If they actively went and built relationships with other nations and became dear to them?
I have made a new friend this past year. She has become very dear to me. I care for her a great deal. She feels safe and comfortable in my arms. She knows that when I am there I will protect her, care for her, and treat her with respect and love her. What would happen if an entire nation could feel that way when someone from Israel would show up (or even my country)?
Friday, August 24, 2012
The cat is out of the bag.
I said it. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should've. Eitherway, I said it.
I've been thinking about love a lot recently (I wonder why). I follow a religion that promotes love as the greatest attribute. It (this religion) has become lost in this world, but the heart, the soul, the core of this religion is love. Love for God; love for family; love of neighbor. Why is it that love for your romantic interest is so different?
I continue to love things about her. I like her a lot. I love her family. Why does saying "I love you" change the dynamic of the relationship? I would not be in a relationship with her if I didn't love her. I would not want to spend time with her if I didn't love her. Saying "I love you" won't change my actions or attitude towards her.
Maybe I'm concerned because that is the most open and vulnerable I've been with another person in my whole life. It is the ultimate opening of my heart. She was not ready to say it in return.
The good news is that I can be patient. I waited over a year to ask this woman out. I debated the pros and cons. I prayed and sought advice. I was patient. I waited to initiate physical contact with her. We had been on a couple dates before I held her hand and a few more before we cuddled together. It was even more before I held her closely.
If I want to kiss her I must be patient even longer. Oh what a weird dichotomy. Life never stops. The song says that "time keeps on slipping into the future." It goes by so fast. Children grow up before you even know it. Dates arrive before they were supposed to. This world, governed by time, moves so fast and yet patience is a virtue. We have to wait and be patient in a world that is constantly moving. The phrase, "hurry up and wait" appears to carry an increasing significance.
I've been thinking about love a lot recently (I wonder why). I follow a religion that promotes love as the greatest attribute. It (this religion) has become lost in this world, but the heart, the soul, the core of this religion is love. Love for God; love for family; love of neighbor. Why is it that love for your romantic interest is so different?
I continue to love things about her. I like her a lot. I love her family. Why does saying "I love you" change the dynamic of the relationship? I would not be in a relationship with her if I didn't love her. I would not want to spend time with her if I didn't love her. Saying "I love you" won't change my actions or attitude towards her.
Maybe I'm concerned because that is the most open and vulnerable I've been with another person in my whole life. It is the ultimate opening of my heart. She was not ready to say it in return.
The good news is that I can be patient. I waited over a year to ask this woman out. I debated the pros and cons. I prayed and sought advice. I was patient. I waited to initiate physical contact with her. We had been on a couple dates before I held her hand and a few more before we cuddled together. It was even more before I held her closely.
If I want to kiss her I must be patient even longer. Oh what a weird dichotomy. Life never stops. The song says that "time keeps on slipping into the future." It goes by so fast. Children grow up before you even know it. Dates arrive before they were supposed to. This world, governed by time, moves so fast and yet patience is a virtue. We have to wait and be patient in a world that is constantly moving. The phrase, "hurry up and wait" appears to carry an increasing significance.
Monday, August 20, 2012
It is the good kind of hurt.
I love the feeling my body gets after a good workout. Not the painful, difficult to move feeling when I push myself too hard, but the feeling that I tore something up and it is rebuilding. This is a good kind of hurt.
I planned a bachelorette party this weekend. I don't believe I would ever say that, but I can safely check that off of yé bucket list. I asked what she and the rest of the bridesmaids were going to do and we tossed around a few ideas. As luck would have it I got a Groupon for Crete Family Fun Center. For $35 the group would receive Go Karts, bumper cars, miniature golf, tokens, food, and more for up to 4 people. The girls went and had a good time.
Saturday I worked, went to a rehearsal lunch, and spent 2.5+ hours eating dinner (not because we took forever to eat, but because of poor service). Sunday I went to the early service for church and then spent the day at a wedding. I ended the night peacefully enough sitting on the swing with my sweetheart. I left too late and literally crawled through the door, climbed into bed and went to sleep.
This woman is such a joy to be around. I slept in her presence last night. We had a long day. We were cuddling and she sweetly said, "close your eyes, sleep, and I will wake you up." I dozed for a few minutes; they were precious to me.
Intimacy has changed so much over the years. If I were to say we were intimate together the impression and general consensus would be that we have had sex. I can assure you we haven't and won't. (The exception to this is that if we were to marry then that would probably change.) Sex is something I want to experience, but having waited 30 years I'm certain I can continue being patient. I see sex as a part of intimacy, but only a fraction of it. Intimacy is much more than sex. My working definition includes holding, hugging, personal time together, breaking of bread (read sharing a meal together), proximity, presence, physical touch, looking into each others' eyes, or the giving of gifts. These are all forms of intimacy. It saddens me that if I were to talk to someone, even a friend, and say that we shared an intimate moment, the immediate response or conclusion would be that it was sexual.
I respect this woman, her family, and her honor too much to take advantage of her. I see her as I do my sister. I would want any man who cared for my sister to treat her with the same respect and honor. I would expect the same for a man dating my daughter and I would want her to expect more from her man. This woman is someones' daughter, granddaughter, niece, and sister. She deserves to be treated honorably. I know that how I treat her, show respect and honor to her, is a direct reflection of me as a man. What kind of man am I?
She says I am a cross between Aragorn and Sam. I bring the wisdom and patience that accompanies age and the loyalty, respect, and dependability of a choice companion and friend. She says that I am a good man; one who has always treated her with respect and honor. It is a continual process. I cannot choose to be different the next day and expect the same result. I must be consistent and choose this path. If I do not I will no longer be the man she says I am. I can care less what this world thinks of me, but I value her opinion greatly.
"You are the prefect combination of Aragon and Sam." This may be the greatest compliment I have ever received.
I planned a bachelorette party this weekend. I don't believe I would ever say that, but I can safely check that off of yé bucket list. I asked what she and the rest of the bridesmaids were going to do and we tossed around a few ideas. As luck would have it I got a Groupon for Crete Family Fun Center. For $35 the group would receive Go Karts, bumper cars, miniature golf, tokens, food, and more for up to 4 people. The girls went and had a good time.
Saturday I worked, went to a rehearsal lunch, and spent 2.5+ hours eating dinner (not because we took forever to eat, but because of poor service). Sunday I went to the early service for church and then spent the day at a wedding. I ended the night peacefully enough sitting on the swing with my sweetheart. I left too late and literally crawled through the door, climbed into bed and went to sleep.
This woman is such a joy to be around. I slept in her presence last night. We had a long day. We were cuddling and she sweetly said, "close your eyes, sleep, and I will wake you up." I dozed for a few minutes; they were precious to me.
Intimacy has changed so much over the years. If I were to say we were intimate together the impression and general consensus would be that we have had sex. I can assure you we haven't and won't. (The exception to this is that if we were to marry then that would probably change.) Sex is something I want to experience, but having waited 30 years I'm certain I can continue being patient. I see sex as a part of intimacy, but only a fraction of it. Intimacy is much more than sex. My working definition includes holding, hugging, personal time together, breaking of bread (read sharing a meal together), proximity, presence, physical touch, looking into each others' eyes, or the giving of gifts. These are all forms of intimacy. It saddens me that if I were to talk to someone, even a friend, and say that we shared an intimate moment, the immediate response or conclusion would be that it was sexual.
I respect this woman, her family, and her honor too much to take advantage of her. I see her as I do my sister. I would want any man who cared for my sister to treat her with the same respect and honor. I would expect the same for a man dating my daughter and I would want her to expect more from her man. This woman is someones' daughter, granddaughter, niece, and sister. She deserves to be treated honorably. I know that how I treat her, show respect and honor to her, is a direct reflection of me as a man. What kind of man am I?
She says I am a cross between Aragorn and Sam. I bring the wisdom and patience that accompanies age and the loyalty, respect, and dependability of a choice companion and friend. She says that I am a good man; one who has always treated her with respect and honor. It is a continual process. I cannot choose to be different the next day and expect the same result. I must be consistent and choose this path. If I do not I will no longer be the man she says I am. I can care less what this world thinks of me, but I value her opinion greatly.
"You are the prefect combination of Aragon and Sam." This may be the greatest compliment I have ever received.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.
She loves spending time with me. I love spending time with her. I can't quite get enough of this woman. I feel like I'm drinking water and always thirsty for more. How this woman is able to be around me, consistently for any period of time, is completely unfathomable to me. My family loves me, but they get tired after a time. My friends enjoy being around me, but they too need a break from me. This woman and I have seen each other, talked, or texted everyday since our first date. We are going on weeks in a row of seeing each other and spending time together.
We spend time together, just us. We hold each other and talk while sitting on a swing in the back yard. We go swimming with her siblings. We go out to hear live music and line dancing with her grandparents. We attend outdoor concerts and plays.
She asked me what my favorite date has been. I cheated. I love spending time with her so much that my favorite dates are the ones where she is present. I love throwing a frisbee with her. I love walking with her. I love breaking bread with her (i.e. sharing a meal with her). I love holding her. I love talking with her. I love holding her hand. That is my favorite date. I love looking into her eyes. I love capturing her glance. I love being in her presence. That is my favorite date. I love playing with her hair. I love her smell. I love riding the Ferris wheel with her. That is my favorite date. I love going to shows and concerts with her. I love when she holds me tightly. I love when she smiles and laughs. That is my favorite date. I love sitting with her. I love listening to nature with her. I love watching the clouds and night sky with her. That is my favorite date. Yes I cheated.
I have said as much to her. And every time I say it I can't help but feel that God is saying the same thing to me. He loves spending time with me. He loves being in my presence. He loves me. I have not said that to her yet. I have wanted to. The words have been on my lips, but I have not said them. Oddly enough they have been in my eyes from the very beginning.
Since our first date I have looked into her eyes. They change color based upon my proximity. At close range there is a ring of fire around the pupil and the color is amber. As I move away they become green and eventually brown. They are hazel which allows for the change. Every so often I'll ask her what my eyes are saying. She gets a little timid and looks away. I know what they are saying. She knows what they are saying, but we're both a little too shy to admit the truth.
Yes I like this woman. In fact I love this woman. I've prayed that God would hold my heart because I am all to ready to give it to her.
We spend time together, just us. We hold each other and talk while sitting on a swing in the back yard. We go swimming with her siblings. We go out to hear live music and line dancing with her grandparents. We attend outdoor concerts and plays.
She asked me what my favorite date has been. I cheated. I love spending time with her so much that my favorite dates are the ones where she is present. I love throwing a frisbee with her. I love walking with her. I love breaking bread with her (i.e. sharing a meal with her). I love holding her. I love talking with her. I love holding her hand. That is my favorite date. I love looking into her eyes. I love capturing her glance. I love being in her presence. That is my favorite date. I love playing with her hair. I love her smell. I love riding the Ferris wheel with her. That is my favorite date. I love going to shows and concerts with her. I love when she holds me tightly. I love when she smiles and laughs. That is my favorite date. I love sitting with her. I love listening to nature with her. I love watching the clouds and night sky with her. That is my favorite date. Yes I cheated.
I have said as much to her. And every time I say it I can't help but feel that God is saying the same thing to me. He loves spending time with me. He loves being in my presence. He loves me. I have not said that to her yet. I have wanted to. The words have been on my lips, but I have not said them. Oddly enough they have been in my eyes from the very beginning.
Since our first date I have looked into her eyes. They change color based upon my proximity. At close range there is a ring of fire around the pupil and the color is amber. As I move away they become green and eventually brown. They are hazel which allows for the change. Every so often I'll ask her what my eyes are saying. She gets a little timid and looks away. I know what they are saying. She knows what they are saying, but we're both a little too shy to admit the truth.
Yes I like this woman. In fact I love this woman. I've prayed that God would hold my heart because I am all to ready to give it to her.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Dating a family
I have always held the belief that families are important to a relationship. In all of the women I have pursued (and there aren't many) I have always attempted to build relationships with their families too. My girl finds that aspect of me very attractive. Her family is important to her. If I didn't like her family or they did not like me then it would be a cause for concern in the relationship.
I suspect this is not a popular mindset. What factor should a family play in the relationship between two individuals? They are both adults and can make their own decisions. It does not rest with the family. If the couple loves each other then what their families think should be of little to no importance.
I may not have had in-laws nearby growing up, but that does not mean family isn't important to me. I have witnessed first-hand the problems that arise when a family is torn due to a couple ignoring parents, siblings, and the like. It is painful to witness, let alone be a party to the situation.
I understand the desire to chart ones own path through life, but I feel that independence has been pushed to such an extreme that advice, counsel, and community is no longer seen to carry much, if any, weight. I can understand why that belief is prevalent. I know that the divorce rate is reaching 50% for first time marriages. Why would someone feel that a family could bring anything of value to a relationship when they may have no idea how to successfully endure one.
There are exceptions to this. I have the example of a family who lost a parent and saw the remaining one wither for six years until another remarkable partner appeared. One marriage of 16 years and now one for over 13 years. I can think of no one better suited to provide advice than someone who is happily married twice for over 13 years with no signs of stopping. I know it would be 33 years had the tragedy of life not interfered. This is why I hold out hope that families are important to a lasting relationship. Mine has been instrumental in two and I feel that both of ours will be for another one.
I may not have had in-laws nearby growing up, but that does not mean family isn't important to me. I have witnessed first-hand the problems that arise when a family is torn due to a couple ignoring parents, siblings, and the like. It is painful to witness, let alone be a party to the situation.
I understand the desire to chart ones own path through life, but I feel that independence has been pushed to such an extreme that advice, counsel, and community is no longer seen to carry much, if any, weight. I can understand why that belief is prevalent. I know that the divorce rate is reaching 50% for first time marriages. Why would someone feel that a family could bring anything of value to a relationship when they may have no idea how to successfully endure one.
There are exceptions to this. I have the example of a family who lost a parent and saw the remaining one wither for six years until another remarkable partner appeared. One marriage of 16 years and now one for over 13 years. I can think of no one better suited to provide advice than someone who is happily married twice for over 13 years with no signs of stopping. I know it would be 33 years had the tragedy of life not interfered. This is why I hold out hope that families are important to a lasting relationship. Mine has been instrumental in two and I feel that both of ours will be for another one.
I miss your fragrance, sometimes I miss it so much that I can clearly smell you in the air.
I did not have allergies growing up. I was allergic to things, but never animals or nature. Sometime during college I began to get dry eyes, sore throats, and stuff noses. I somehow became allergic to this world. I have functionally lived like this for years. I should probably have this checked out. This should give you some idea of my olfactory status. I can still smell, but it must be very close and quickly passes.
It surprises me that one of the first lingering aspects of another human is their smell. It stays with you. It becomes a sign of their presence and you miss it when it is gone. I remember stories of spouses who have lost "their better half" and their smell is the last vestige of their presence. They keep their clothes because it carries their scent. They refuse to wash bedding because it smells like them. The very real feeling exists that if they are able to keep that smell then their partner is never really gone.
Like memories, smells begin to fade after a while and they are eventually replaced with new scents. But sometimes a smell is carried on the breeze and for a brief moment you are reminded on them.
I love how this woman smells. It is sweet and unique to her. She has gone swimming and her smell remains. I hold her close, close my eyes, and enjoy her perfume. It lingers in my truck after she is gone. I smell something on the air and believe her to be nearby. "Sometimes I miss it so much I can clearly smell it in the air." And the funny part of this story is that this feeling works both ways. She loves the way I smell. It lingers well after I have left. It brings comfort while she sleeps, hope to see me again, and joy when I am present.
I love how she smells. She loves how I smell.
It surprises me that one of the first lingering aspects of another human is their smell. It stays with you. It becomes a sign of their presence and you miss it when it is gone. I remember stories of spouses who have lost "their better half" and their smell is the last vestige of their presence. They keep their clothes because it carries their scent. They refuse to wash bedding because it smells like them. The very real feeling exists that if they are able to keep that smell then their partner is never really gone.
Like memories, smells begin to fade after a while and they are eventually replaced with new scents. But sometimes a smell is carried on the breeze and for a brief moment you are reminded on them.
I love how this woman smells. It is sweet and unique to her. She has gone swimming and her smell remains. I hold her close, close my eyes, and enjoy her perfume. It lingers in my truck after she is gone. I smell something on the air and believe her to be nearby. "Sometimes I miss it so much I can clearly smell it in the air." And the funny part of this story is that this feeling works both ways. She loves the way I smell. It lingers well after I have left. It brings comfort while she sleeps, hope to see me again, and joy when I am present.
I love how she smells. She loves how I smell.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Plague
I acquired a summer flu like people acquire bad habits or a missing limb; they do not want it, but it happens. I live with a perpetual raw throat. I have chalked it up to allergies. It took a turn for the worse when I spent two evenings with a wonderful woman outside. These late summer nights have been beautiful; cool with a breeze. The combination seemed to have been good for something else too.
I have been convalescing for the past two and a half days. She visited me each evening. She brought comfort, Kleenex's, and juice. She has been wonderful; like an angel bringing encouragement and strength to the weary.
We are progressing steadily towards two months together. We have spent a good deal of time together, so much so, that it feels much longer than the less than two months it actually has been. I am perfectly content holding her, looking into her eyes, or simply being in her presence listening to the sounds of nature.
I had put together some thoughts regarding woman and what I was looking for in them. There were only a handful of characteristics that I was interested in. I feel rather vain in listing them because few of them were inner qualities that are truly valuable.
I want to marry someone who has brothers and sisters; a large family. I wasn't denied this attribute as I grew up with many friends and was adopted into their family as a son. I saw my friends siblings as my own, but it was something I was interested in. She is sociable, able to navigate within family structures and gets along with a variety of people. Children of large families are also fairly accommodating of different personalities. This leads to someone who is fun to be around, creative, and happy with simple things.
I wanted her to be a cute or attractive crier. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I wanted her to cry and still be attractive to me. Crying is often associated with weakness, but that is not always the case. There is a heart aspect to this that I hadn't considered before. I feel that it indicates someone with a heart. They show empathy with others and situations and they understand hurt, pain, and joy in this world. I find this attractive in a person as it means they are human and share their humanity with others.
I wanted her to sing. I love singing. I love listening to people sing. I love the idea of hearing a song or music and thinking of her. I love hearing it from another room and I love singing along. Singing carries with it beauty, the ability to make something from nothing, but, at least for me, there a subtle vulnerability. Do I sing well? Do they like it? I have a very limited range and only a handful of songs I feel comfortable singing and I tend to sing them a certain way.
I want her to be educated. I want someone who will be a peer to me. She must be able to challenge me both spiritually and academically. She must have a "good head on her shoulders." This doesn't mean she must have a college degree or pursue an advanced degree. Wisdom can take many forms. I know people who are brilliant academically and inept worldly and vice-versa. Both of my parents were educated and it has been something they encouraged me to pursue from a very young age.
I guess I'm less ashamed of these than I was at the beginning. Expanding upon them gives them more substance and a better appeal. The ability to accept and live with others, the ability to empathize and find joy with others, the ability to share it with others, and all done in an intelligent manner are all incredibly attractive qualities to me.
She is one of six children and has four or five aunts and uncles with lots of cousins (a large family). She gets emotionally involved in books, movies, and touching stories (she cries). She loves performing and constantly has a song on her heart (she loves to sing). She will graduate this coming May and wants to pursue an advanced degree or two (is educated). She meets these four attributes and I am very much attracted to her.
* - The inevitable post script. There was one last attribute that I neglected to mention previously. I have grown up in a religious household. It is something that is important to me. I don't like the "beat you over the head with the Bible" mindset, though I do believe in a good deal of it. (A side note, I would much rather build a relationship with someone and allow for avenues of discussion than have no relationship and attempt to "prove my viewpoint right.") If religion were not a part of her life I would more than likely not be interested in her. It isn't a bad thing, just merely a passing interest.
She has a passion for God that is contagious. I'm of the mindset that God desires a relationship with you and he will do almost anything to be with you. He has used the relationship I have with this woman to get to know me again. This isn't the first time it has worked this way and though I am hoping it will be the last. :)
I have been convalescing for the past two and a half days. She visited me each evening. She brought comfort, Kleenex's, and juice. She has been wonderful; like an angel bringing encouragement and strength to the weary.
We are progressing steadily towards two months together. We have spent a good deal of time together, so much so, that it feels much longer than the less than two months it actually has been. I am perfectly content holding her, looking into her eyes, or simply being in her presence listening to the sounds of nature.
I had put together some thoughts regarding woman and what I was looking for in them. There were only a handful of characteristics that I was interested in. I feel rather vain in listing them because few of them were inner qualities that are truly valuable.
I want to marry someone who has brothers and sisters; a large family. I wasn't denied this attribute as I grew up with many friends and was adopted into their family as a son. I saw my friends siblings as my own, but it was something I was interested in. She is sociable, able to navigate within family structures and gets along with a variety of people. Children of large families are also fairly accommodating of different personalities. This leads to someone who is fun to be around, creative, and happy with simple things.
I wanted her to be a cute or attractive crier. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I wanted her to cry and still be attractive to me. Crying is often associated with weakness, but that is not always the case. There is a heart aspect to this that I hadn't considered before. I feel that it indicates someone with a heart. They show empathy with others and situations and they understand hurt, pain, and joy in this world. I find this attractive in a person as it means they are human and share their humanity with others.
I wanted her to sing. I love singing. I love listening to people sing. I love the idea of hearing a song or music and thinking of her. I love hearing it from another room and I love singing along. Singing carries with it beauty, the ability to make something from nothing, but, at least for me, there a subtle vulnerability. Do I sing well? Do they like it? I have a very limited range and only a handful of songs I feel comfortable singing and I tend to sing them a certain way.
I want her to be educated. I want someone who will be a peer to me. She must be able to challenge me both spiritually and academically. She must have a "good head on her shoulders." This doesn't mean she must have a college degree or pursue an advanced degree. Wisdom can take many forms. I know people who are brilliant academically and inept worldly and vice-versa. Both of my parents were educated and it has been something they encouraged me to pursue from a very young age.
I guess I'm less ashamed of these than I was at the beginning. Expanding upon them gives them more substance and a better appeal. The ability to accept and live with others, the ability to empathize and find joy with others, the ability to share it with others, and all done in an intelligent manner are all incredibly attractive qualities to me.
She is one of six children and has four or five aunts and uncles with lots of cousins (a large family). She gets emotionally involved in books, movies, and touching stories (she cries). She loves performing and constantly has a song on her heart (she loves to sing). She will graduate this coming May and wants to pursue an advanced degree or two (is educated). She meets these four attributes and I am very much attracted to her.
* - The inevitable post script. There was one last attribute that I neglected to mention previously. I have grown up in a religious household. It is something that is important to me. I don't like the "beat you over the head with the Bible" mindset, though I do believe in a good deal of it. (A side note, I would much rather build a relationship with someone and allow for avenues of discussion than have no relationship and attempt to "prove my viewpoint right.") If religion were not a part of her life I would more than likely not be interested in her. It isn't a bad thing, just merely a passing interest.
She has a passion for God that is contagious. I'm of the mindset that God desires a relationship with you and he will do almost anything to be with you. He has used the relationship I have with this woman to get to know me again. This isn't the first time it has worked this way and though I am hoping it will be the last. :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
A chapter closes and another begins
I have been working towards my masters' degree for the past two years. I am shocked, surprised, and astonished that it has been that long. It honestly feels like it was yesterday that I began.
We were given three months for this project. The first two months were part A and the objective was to complete the first 2-3 sections of the project. There were official classes and additional homework. The final month consisted of individual meetings with the instructor to answer questions and ensure that progress was being made.
I avoided this project like the plague for the first two months. I couldn't focus, concentrate, or put anything down on paper. Over the past month I spent a good deal of my time buckling down and completing this project. It was turned in this week and I am officially, 100%, finished with my program.
Those simple words do little justice to actually give you what occurred in the background. I was struggling, lost, and could not find my way out of this project. A month ago a woman said, "yes" and she provided encouragement, focus, incentives, and faith in me that I would complete this sizable assignment. I remember praying for help. I was floundering. God answered my prayer in the most unusual manner I have ever seen.
If I was asked three months ago if I could see myself beginning a relationship while I still had my project due I would've laughed at you and called that foolish. Yet, that is exactly what happened and somehow we both managed it. I desperately want to return the favor. She has one more year left of school and has the goal of being on the Dean's List for two more semesters. I am making it my goal/priority for her to succeed. I pray now that I am nothing but encouragement, help, and strength as she finishes up her last year of school.
She has a saying called, "a safety pin" moment. The story goes that a friend needed a safety pin and they were unable to find one through the traditional means. As they were about to give up they saw one laying on the ground a couple of feet from where they were standing. It is a cute way of saying that God somehow provides.
She is my safety pin moment. God provided a way. Historically this would entail an increased desire to focus, the ability to work diligently and complete the project. But, knowing that I needed to get going, it wasn't happening. I needed something or someone to kick my butt and give me that push to carry on. He changed strategies on me and put someone in my life whom I wanted to work for.
I felt my friend summed it up best, "Is she your girlfriend or an elaborate social experiment by your profs to get your homework done? ;)" To answer this, she is my girl. I am her man. We go on dates. Yeah I kind of like her... a lot.
We were given three months for this project. The first two months were part A and the objective was to complete the first 2-3 sections of the project. There were official classes and additional homework. The final month consisted of individual meetings with the instructor to answer questions and ensure that progress was being made.
I avoided this project like the plague for the first two months. I couldn't focus, concentrate, or put anything down on paper. Over the past month I spent a good deal of my time buckling down and completing this project. It was turned in this week and I am officially, 100%, finished with my program.
Those simple words do little justice to actually give you what occurred in the background. I was struggling, lost, and could not find my way out of this project. A month ago a woman said, "yes" and she provided encouragement, focus, incentives, and faith in me that I would complete this sizable assignment. I remember praying for help. I was floundering. God answered my prayer in the most unusual manner I have ever seen.
If I was asked three months ago if I could see myself beginning a relationship while I still had my project due I would've laughed at you and called that foolish. Yet, that is exactly what happened and somehow we both managed it. I desperately want to return the favor. She has one more year left of school and has the goal of being on the Dean's List for two more semesters. I am making it my goal/priority for her to succeed. I pray now that I am nothing but encouragement, help, and strength as she finishes up her last year of school.
She has a saying called, "a safety pin" moment. The story goes that a friend needed a safety pin and they were unable to find one through the traditional means. As they were about to give up they saw one laying on the ground a couple of feet from where they were standing. It is a cute way of saying that God somehow provides.
She is my safety pin moment. God provided a way. Historically this would entail an increased desire to focus, the ability to work diligently and complete the project. But, knowing that I needed to get going, it wasn't happening. I needed something or someone to kick my butt and give me that push to carry on. He changed strategies on me and put someone in my life whom I wanted to work for.
I felt my friend summed it up best, "Is she your girlfriend or an elaborate social experiment by your profs to get your homework done? ;)" To answer this, she is my girl. I am her man. We go on dates. Yeah I kind of like her... a lot.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Like Christmas morning
When I was a child I would get very excited on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't want to go to sleep. I'd be up for hours after my bedtime waiting for that day. I'd somehow fall asleep, but would find myself waking up early in the morning out of sheer excitement.
My sister might be up already, but if she wasn't I'd make sure she was. We would head to our parents room to wake them up so we could start Christmas. This may all happen around 5:00 maybe 6:00 if my parents were lucky. We'd have family Christmas and then sometimes take a nap afterwards.
I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point the need for sleep or the sheer excitement wears off. The excitement over gifts gives way to maturity and the realization that family, friends, and time spent together is more important and valuable than gifts.
I have woken up early, excited for the day for the past 4 days. I know that I will see this woman and I cannot wait until I do. I am that little kid again excited because everyday is Christmas. She found this cute and calls me a dork. She likes that. I like that she likes that. ... too much like...
Ask me two months ago what my perfect day would be and it would revolve around a sunny, 75 degree weather, a gentle breeze, a hammock, and a good book series that I can read. It would probably be along the coast. In one month this has changed. I can think of nothing more than spending time with her. We could be working, but we'd be productive together. It could be the same perfect day before but we'd do it together.
I'm still learning new habits and attempting to kill others. All too often I find myself looking out for yours truly without giving much thought to her. I must become more aware of the situation and recognize these instances before they arise. I have lived the better part of my life ensuring that I am taken care of. I desperately want to take care of her. I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself when I could have easily done something for her that I just did for myself.
My sister might be up already, but if she wasn't I'd make sure she was. We would head to our parents room to wake them up so we could start Christmas. This may all happen around 5:00 maybe 6:00 if my parents were lucky. We'd have family Christmas and then sometimes take a nap afterwards.
I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point the need for sleep or the sheer excitement wears off. The excitement over gifts gives way to maturity and the realization that family, friends, and time spent together is more important and valuable than gifts.
I have woken up early, excited for the day for the past 4 days. I know that I will see this woman and I cannot wait until I do. I am that little kid again excited because everyday is Christmas. She found this cute and calls me a dork. She likes that. I like that she likes that. ... too much like...
Ask me two months ago what my perfect day would be and it would revolve around a sunny, 75 degree weather, a gentle breeze, a hammock, and a good book series that I can read. It would probably be along the coast. In one month this has changed. I can think of nothing more than spending time with her. We could be working, but we'd be productive together. It could be the same perfect day before but we'd do it together.
I'm still learning new habits and attempting to kill others. All too often I find myself looking out for yours truly without giving much thought to her. I must become more aware of the situation and recognize these instances before they arise. I have lived the better part of my life ensuring that I am taken care of. I desperately want to take care of her. I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself when I could have easily done something for her that I just did for myself.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
When the mind begins to travel where the heart dares to tread
I find myself thinking. I'm glad that I do. It helps me to know that I am still alive. My mind may often wander very far away. Yesterday it made a realization I was not wanting to make and it was very hard for me to continue with the process. You might say that it went the opposite of far away, it hit so very close to home.
I tend to present a rather calm demeanor. Someone who is not prone to fits of excitement and jubilee. While that may be how I come across to people, there is someone or something raging within me. They are screaming and yelling. At this moment it is in joy. This woman is amazing. I have spent 30 years wandering this Earth and I never thought I would find someone like her. She is sweet, beautiful, intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. Everything inside me wants to yell from the rooftops that I love this woman, but I can't. I must be patient. That may be where we end up, but for now I must let this relationship progress at its own pace.
And this is where the thought began. I am 30 years old. I have been patient and waited for this moment, this time to pursue a woman. She is 21. Her life is still very much ahead of her. She can be patient and wait. I feel a sense of urgency, she is not burdened by that same feeling. This is where I am and either I must slow down and continue to be patient or she must speed up and be impatient. I am realizing that we are at two different points in life. They are not mutually exclusive and they aren't irreconcilable, but they do complicate the relationship.
How long can I, should I wait for her? How fast can she progress? Is it fair of me to ask her to move to a place where she may not be ready for? Am I fooling myself with this relationship? Am I being fair to her?
The sense of sorrow and sadness that washed over me with these thoughts drained my energy. It literally sapped the life from me yesterday. Somehow I managed to not collapse into a balling mess on the floor. I retreated to the only things I know that bring me comfort. I prayed that God would take away the sadness as I was unable to handle it at the time. I began to sing and played a little bit on the guitar. My strength slowly returned, but it demonstrated to me just how frail and lacking in strength I really am.
We have not even been seeing each other for a month and she has such an effect on me. I feared this; This woman who comes into my life; who is charming, sweet, and interested in me. I prayed that God would shield my heart because I am all too willing to give it to her.
Monday, July 16, 2012
She sang just for me
Acapella, "I love you Lord." I loved it and sang along.
She asked me to sing. I sang, "You have redeemed my soul." She wasn't familiar with it and just listened.
I love that she sings.
"I like holding you." He said.
"I like being held." She said.
She asked me to sing. I sang, "You have redeemed my soul." She wasn't familiar with it and just listened.
I love that she sings.
"I like holding you." He said.
"I like being held." She said.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
New and Wondrous Imaginings
I am inundated with thoughts regarding relationships recently. I believe that I am being rather impetuous. I want things to progress faster than they are and I'm beginning to feel my impatience emerge. I have this feeling that I am her first serious crush/boyfriend and, as funny as this sounds, she is mine. The only hindrance is that mine appears more awkward and concerning. I am now the ripe old age of 30 while she is a spry 21 year old. For her this is expected. She is youthful, pretty, smart, and intelligent. All aspects that are appealing to men.
I am mature, wizened, intelligent, and just entering the prime of my life. The concerning part is that I have never had a serious relationship. Should this be cause for caution? ... Is something wrong with him?
I'm scared she will "wake up" one day and realize that she can do better than me; that I am not the man for her and that she no longer wishes to walk this journey of life with me. Maybe this is the incentive men look for when pursuing a woman. That they are scared that she will decide to no longer stay with them and so they must continually seek that affirmation. It's probably what drives men to foolish behavior. I really hope I can get some of these thoughts answered at some point.
Maybe I just need to calm down and let this play out further before digging too deep into my own thoughts. I do have this tendency to over think and analyze situations.
I've tried to remain fairly religion free on here. I don't wish to alienate individuals. My religion has come out from time to time, but I strive to be open minded and nonthreatening. I have rediscovered a song from my youth. It runs through my mind. Akin to a hunter tracking its prey it is relentless. The song is, "You are so good to me."
It speaks of the goodness that happens in life. If you understand and appreciate that then thank you. If you disagree, then skip it. You won't like it.
I am mature, wizened, intelligent, and just entering the prime of my life. The concerning part is that I have never had a serious relationship. Should this be cause for caution? ... Is something wrong with him?
I'm scared she will "wake up" one day and realize that she can do better than me; that I am not the man for her and that she no longer wishes to walk this journey of life with me. Maybe this is the incentive men look for when pursuing a woman. That they are scared that she will decide to no longer stay with them and so they must continually seek that affirmation. It's probably what drives men to foolish behavior. I really hope I can get some of these thoughts answered at some point.
Maybe I just need to calm down and let this play out further before digging too deep into my own thoughts. I do have this tendency to over think and analyze situations.
I've tried to remain fairly religion free on here. I don't wish to alienate individuals. My religion has come out from time to time, but I strive to be open minded and nonthreatening. I have rediscovered a song from my youth. It runs through my mind. Akin to a hunter tracking its prey it is relentless. The song is, "You are so good to me."
It speaks of the goodness that happens in life. If you understand and appreciate that then thank you. If you disagree, then skip it. You won't like it.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Baby I'm Amazed By You
Queue sappy love song.
We have seen each other at least once, if only for a few minutes, a day for the past ten days. I'm amazed at how quickly someone can enter my life and become a part of it and how I feel when they are not there. I'm laughing at myself. I guess the word for this might be love-struck or maybe this is more like Red, "I guess I just miss my friend."
I'm surprised at how tied to my phone I am now. Before two weeks ago I could almost care less what happened to it. I've let it sit, shut off because I hadn't plugged it in, for entire weekends. Now I keep it on me. I treat it like a precious heirloom. It is my connection to her. My heart jumps and a smile begins to spread across my face when I see the text icon. I check it more often and keep it within reach more frequently than I ever have.
Have I really changed and altered my life for this woman? Are these underlying traits, ones that anyone could bring out of me given the right set of circumstances? I hope that what I am showing her is an authentic man. I want to be honest. It scares me that I'm opening up to someone. I have very few secrets. I will give most anyone an honest answer, and if I choose not to answer, the response is that I would prefer not to share. It's more of an ask me again later.
I have been rocking Pandora a lot recently. I love my Jason Myles Goss station. He is just so smooth. There is an artist that comes up on the station regularly enough. The artist is Tyrone Wells. He must be gaining some recognition because a friend of mine saw him in concert a couple of weeks ago. I love the song, "Sea Breeze." It is a beautifully simple song. The combination of love, water, and dreams speaks to me.
I used to keep a dream journal. I wanted to chronicle what my dreams were, at least the ones I could remember in the morning. I don't remember many of them or even acknowledge that I have been dreaming most of the time. *Queue sappy dream metaphor* Maybe one day I'll have a dream, lived out, to share.
We have seen each other at least once, if only for a few minutes, a day for the past ten days. I'm amazed at how quickly someone can enter my life and become a part of it and how I feel when they are not there. I'm laughing at myself. I guess the word for this might be love-struck or maybe this is more like Red, "I guess I just miss my friend."
I'm surprised at how tied to my phone I am now. Before two weeks ago I could almost care less what happened to it. I've let it sit, shut off because I hadn't plugged it in, for entire weekends. Now I keep it on me. I treat it like a precious heirloom. It is my connection to her. My heart jumps and a smile begins to spread across my face when I see the text icon. I check it more often and keep it within reach more frequently than I ever have.
Have I really changed and altered my life for this woman? Are these underlying traits, ones that anyone could bring out of me given the right set of circumstances? I hope that what I am showing her is an authentic man. I want to be honest. It scares me that I'm opening up to someone. I have very few secrets. I will give most anyone an honest answer, and if I choose not to answer, the response is that I would prefer not to share. It's more of an ask me again later.
I have been rocking Pandora a lot recently. I love my Jason Myles Goss station. He is just so smooth. There is an artist that comes up on the station regularly enough. The artist is Tyrone Wells. He must be gaining some recognition because a friend of mine saw him in concert a couple of weeks ago. I love the song, "Sea Breeze." It is a beautifully simple song. The combination of love, water, and dreams speaks to me.
I used to keep a dream journal. I wanted to chronicle what my dreams were, at least the ones I could remember in the morning. I don't remember many of them or even acknowledge that I have been dreaming most of the time. *Queue sappy dream metaphor* Maybe one day I'll have a dream, lived out, to share.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Quite a Kerfuffle
I caused quite the stir the other day. I'm relatively "old school" in many areas and one happens to be dating. While I know modern social conventions do not necessitate asking permission to date someone, it is something I think about. My family (father) has raised me to appreciate and understand it. I do not expect anyone else to abide by the same stipulations.
I mentioned this to my fair lady and she found it sweet and honorable. She liked it and was agreeable to the idea. If she said that it wasn't necessary I would not have pursued it any further.
There is history between her, her father, and her family. To put it mildly he has not been the father she or they needed, but somehow he has still remained in their periphery. I spoke to him for a little while yesterday evening. He seemed a little surprised that I wanted to talk to him and more so that it was about dating his daughter.
I believe he understood my position, appreciated it, and knew that I (and her) really didn't need to ask his permission, but wanted to. We are both adults and are responsible for making our own decisions. This seemed more of an avenue to introduce myself to him and open communication with a man that is important, regardless of his history, to a woman I am interested in.
The objections raised seemed to revolve around the term permission and the connotations that it accompanies. 1. Children ask permission from their parents. Employees ask permission from their employers. But adults do not need to ask permission from anyone (within reason). 2. In addition to the above there is the negative impression that asking for permission to date, court, and marry a women devalues her as an individual and is the result of a patriarchal society. This type of society is archaic and no longer relevant in this modern world. It is the old guard and those that follow it are blinded by tradition and prefer women to be kept in the roles they have been for hundreds of years. This also makes women appear as though they are a possession to be traded, bartered, and sold.
From this mindset I'm offended. I'm pissed that my sister has not been given the same advancement opportunities as her male colleagues. I'm frustrated when male gamers ridicule and demean female gamers. Unfortunately, I all too frequently fall into the male dominated mindset. I have used "you throw like a girl" too often to count. I have used feminine terms to describe weakness and insult men. I am as guilty as anyone else in promoting hate.
At some point in life I want to have sons and daughters (well maybe just one of each). I want them to succeed. While I would prefer it to be a respectable career, I want them to have every opportunity to excel. I never want to hear that my daughter cannot do something because she isn't a boy or that she was passed over for a promotion because she wasn't the correct sex.
This is getting a little long winded and preachy. Let me end with this. Those that found or took offense to what I said missed the point of my request. It was for prayer for wisdom. I was nervous. I don't do this regularly and when I do, I do it intentionally.
This was a decision we, as a couple, made. She was ok with it. I didn't manipulate or cajole her into believing the same thing as me. She felt that I was treating her with respect and honor. Her father felt the same way. When the dust settles, I have earned respect from the her and the people most relevant in her life. I have witnessed, first hand, how not making these introductions can hurt a relationship. My desire is to see this through to the end, whether that means I have found my wife or not. I can only do what I feel I am called to do regardless of what friends or family feel. While I understand the criticism, it helped me think through the issue, I would've much more appreciated the prayer.
I mentioned this to my fair lady and she found it sweet and honorable. She liked it and was agreeable to the idea. If she said that it wasn't necessary I would not have pursued it any further.
There is history between her, her father, and her family. To put it mildly he has not been the father she or they needed, but somehow he has still remained in their periphery. I spoke to him for a little while yesterday evening. He seemed a little surprised that I wanted to talk to him and more so that it was about dating his daughter.
I believe he understood my position, appreciated it, and knew that I (and her) really didn't need to ask his permission, but wanted to. We are both adults and are responsible for making our own decisions. This seemed more of an avenue to introduce myself to him and open communication with a man that is important, regardless of his history, to a woman I am interested in.
The objections raised seemed to revolve around the term permission and the connotations that it accompanies. 1. Children ask permission from their parents. Employees ask permission from their employers. But adults do not need to ask permission from anyone (within reason). 2. In addition to the above there is the negative impression that asking for permission to date, court, and marry a women devalues her as an individual and is the result of a patriarchal society. This type of society is archaic and no longer relevant in this modern world. It is the old guard and those that follow it are blinded by tradition and prefer women to be kept in the roles they have been for hundreds of years. This also makes women appear as though they are a possession to be traded, bartered, and sold.
From this mindset I'm offended. I'm pissed that my sister has not been given the same advancement opportunities as her male colleagues. I'm frustrated when male gamers ridicule and demean female gamers. Unfortunately, I all too frequently fall into the male dominated mindset. I have used "you throw like a girl" too often to count. I have used feminine terms to describe weakness and insult men. I am as guilty as anyone else in promoting hate.
At some point in life I want to have sons and daughters (well maybe just one of each). I want them to succeed. While I would prefer it to be a respectable career, I want them to have every opportunity to excel. I never want to hear that my daughter cannot do something because she isn't a boy or that she was passed over for a promotion because she wasn't the correct sex.
This is getting a little long winded and preachy. Let me end with this. Those that found or took offense to what I said missed the point of my request. It was for prayer for wisdom. I was nervous. I don't do this regularly and when I do, I do it intentionally.
This was a decision we, as a couple, made. She was ok with it. I didn't manipulate or cajole her into believing the same thing as me. She felt that I was treating her with respect and honor. Her father felt the same way. When the dust settles, I have earned respect from the her and the people most relevant in her life. I have witnessed, first hand, how not making these introductions can hurt a relationship. My desire is to see this through to the end, whether that means I have found my wife or not. I can only do what I feel I am called to do regardless of what friends or family feel. While I understand the criticism, it helped me think through the issue, I would've much more appreciated the prayer.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
...Five Weeks Later
It really hasn't been five weeks, but it sort of feels like it has. I am truly blessed to work for an employer who gives additional holidays to their staff. We were given Wednesday as a holiday and the "powers that be" gifted us Thursday and Friday too. This was entirely unexpected and very well received.
We are in the middle of a fairly nasty heat wave. It has been at least 100 and mildly humid for the better part of a week. I figure that work found it cheaper to pay us to stay home than to keep all the buildings working at full power.
You may be wanting some more information about this mythical "her." We have had another date or two since Sunday. I'm not sure how to classify these things. They begin as group gatherings and then we end up together, sitting, talking, and enjoying each others company. We went to see Brave with her mother and youngest sibling. I had a wonderful time. I think she had fun too.
She invited me to her family's 4th of July party. It might be a little soon to meet the family, but since I have never been in this position before I don't know any better. Plus I enjoy meeting family. Again I had a good time. She has a pool. It was a wonderful way to pass the evening. We went a little further south to watch fireworks and ended up sitting next to a farmers' field for an hour afterwards. We probably would've stayed there all evening had the proprietor of the field inform us that they were amiable to us watching fireworks there, but that it was not a "party spot."
We went back to her place and sat on the swing until after midnight.
I meet her for "breakfast" both Thursday and Friday mornings. She was working and I waited for her in the parking lot with either a mountain dew or french toast sticks. I hope she finds that sweet and not... stalkerish. I'd even settle for creepy.
We played frisbee Thursday, went back to her place and swam for a couple hours with people from frisbee. I ended up staying later then them and we stayed up watching Pride and Prejudice until 2:00 with her grandma, mother, and sister. Friday I drove her, her mother and sister up to Midway to pick up another sibling.
I have spent each evening since Tuesday with her. She probably doesn't know this, but she has me hook, line, and sinker.
We are in the middle of a fairly nasty heat wave. It has been at least 100 and mildly humid for the better part of a week. I figure that work found it cheaper to pay us to stay home than to keep all the buildings working at full power.
You may be wanting some more information about this mythical "her." We have had another date or two since Sunday. I'm not sure how to classify these things. They begin as group gatherings and then we end up together, sitting, talking, and enjoying each others company. We went to see Brave with her mother and youngest sibling. I had a wonderful time. I think she had fun too.
She invited me to her family's 4th of July party. It might be a little soon to meet the family, but since I have never been in this position before I don't know any better. Plus I enjoy meeting family. Again I had a good time. She has a pool. It was a wonderful way to pass the evening. We went a little further south to watch fireworks and ended up sitting next to a farmers' field for an hour afterwards. We probably would've stayed there all evening had the proprietor of the field inform us that they were amiable to us watching fireworks there, but that it was not a "party spot."
We went back to her place and sat on the swing until after midnight.
I meet her for "breakfast" both Thursday and Friday mornings. She was working and I waited for her in the parking lot with either a mountain dew or french toast sticks. I hope she finds that sweet and not... stalkerish. I'd even settle for creepy.
We played frisbee Thursday, went back to her place and swam for a couple hours with people from frisbee. I ended up staying later then them and we stayed up watching Pride and Prejudice until 2:00 with her grandma, mother, and sister. Friday I drove her, her mother and sister up to Midway to pick up another sibling.
I have spent each evening since Tuesday with her. She probably doesn't know this, but she has me hook, line, and sinker.
Monday, June 25, 2012
...Five Hours Earlier
Postponement is rarely a desired outcome. Delaying something potentially enjoyable is never something someone looks forward to. This "huge date" planned for Sunday the 17th was interrupted by Fathers' Day. So it was delayed until the following Sunday. It was like knowing a storm was coming, preparing for it, and then finding that it pushed South, but there was another front building out West and was heading your direction.
She surprised me with the idea of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the local park. I was not expecting that, a picnic. I was given some fantastic advice by "yé oldé padré" and asked her what she wanted and stated my intention to pick up everything. ... I picked up too much and planned a meal enough for a family of 4. I didn't even bring everything I bought. I wanted to provide plenty of options.
We ate and talked. I found out about her family and shared with her some of mine. She was honest and shared some pain. She was already privy to some of mine. I discovered once again that this world is so very hard and painful; that it hurts sometimes. Yet, there are friends and family there to help ease the burden and soothe the hurts of this world.
We walked and talked and talked and walked. We threw the frisbee and talked. We sat on my tailgate and talked. I remember looking at my clock twice. Once at 3:30 and the second time at 6:00. I spent 5 hours in her company and it felt too short.
I feel like we're fencing, each other trying to figure the other party out. We are looking at weaknesses, probing, developing a strategy. I think this women actually likes me. There is a chance (slight) that I'm actually the subject of the sentence, "I met this boy today" or "I went on a date with this boy and had a good time."
And like that the feeling, "she is just a nice, good girl. She doesn't like you like that. She is just being nice and took pity on you" rises up inside me.
I made up my mind several years ago, that if I were to ever date a woman I would want her to come out of the relationship better. A better person, showing some sign of growth. I would feel like a failure if the relationship ended and there was no positive gain from it. We may part as enemies, hating, and feuding with each other, but I truly want her to have grown, learned more about herself, life, and this tragic, hard, yet wonderful world around her. The hopeful aspect of this philosophy is that it isn't mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible that she (she in the unknown, no specific person sense, not my current interest) and I could spend the rest our lives together and she will grow and experience this life, and the coolest thing about that is that I get to be a part of it. We would get to share it together.
I've always seen relationships, especially romantic ones, like a journey. Finding a spouse is a lot like finding a traveling partner. You make a conscious decision to travel through life together. It's a lot like the "Footprints in the Sand" picture except you see a third set join you and Jesus somewhere down the beach.
I haven't discovered any new musicians recently. My current favorite artist, Jason Myles Goss, released a new album recently. He will be in Chicago in July. I'm thinking about waiting till then to pick it up. There a few catchy songs that I heard through my first play through. I need to listen to it more. I thought I would try and share a song that has been going through my mind, but they would all be incredibly sappy given my current state of affairs. I'll leave you with this little gem then.
She surprised me with the idea of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the local park. I was not expecting that, a picnic. I was given some fantastic advice by "yé oldé padré" and asked her what she wanted and stated my intention to pick up everything. ... I picked up too much and planned a meal enough for a family of 4. I didn't even bring everything I bought. I wanted to provide plenty of options.
We ate and talked. I found out about her family and shared with her some of mine. She was honest and shared some pain. She was already privy to some of mine. I discovered once again that this world is so very hard and painful; that it hurts sometimes. Yet, there are friends and family there to help ease the burden and soothe the hurts of this world.
We walked and talked and talked and walked. We threw the frisbee and talked. We sat on my tailgate and talked. I remember looking at my clock twice. Once at 3:30 and the second time at 6:00. I spent 5 hours in her company and it felt too short.
I feel like we're fencing, each other trying to figure the other party out. We are looking at weaknesses, probing, developing a strategy. I think this women actually likes me. There is a chance (slight) that I'm actually the subject of the sentence, "I met this boy today" or "I went on a date with this boy and had a good time."
And like that the feeling, "she is just a nice, good girl. She doesn't like you like that. She is just being nice and took pity on you" rises up inside me.
I made up my mind several years ago, that if I were to ever date a woman I would want her to come out of the relationship better. A better person, showing some sign of growth. I would feel like a failure if the relationship ended and there was no positive gain from it. We may part as enemies, hating, and feuding with each other, but I truly want her to have grown, learned more about herself, life, and this tragic, hard, yet wonderful world around her. The hopeful aspect of this philosophy is that it isn't mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible that she (she in the unknown, no specific person sense, not my current interest) and I could spend the rest our lives together and she will grow and experience this life, and the coolest thing about that is that I get to be a part of it. We would get to share it together.
I've always seen relationships, especially romantic ones, like a journey. Finding a spouse is a lot like finding a traveling partner. You make a conscious decision to travel through life together. It's a lot like the "Footprints in the Sand" picture except you see a third set join you and Jesus somewhere down the beach.
I haven't discovered any new musicians recently. My current favorite artist, Jason Myles Goss, released a new album recently. He will be in Chicago in July. I'm thinking about waiting till then to pick it up. There a few catchy songs that I heard through my first play through. I need to listen to it more. I thought I would try and share a song that has been going through my mind, but they would all be incredibly sappy given my current state of affairs. I'll leave you with this little gem then.
Friday, June 15, 2012
But, what if she says, "yes."
I do not believe I thought this through at all. Preparing for the worst lead me to believe that the only answer I would receive would be, "no." Apparently I under estimated my charm (or the fact that pity can turn into affection). So... kudos to me for getting on the horse. I did mention to the roommate that she's probably getting the raw end of this deal.
She did not make it easy for me. The conversation went something like this.
If you couldn't tell my plan was Friday and Italian. Sunday and something else was completely off the cuff. I will say this, historically I would have stopped after the "busy on Friday" response, but I persevered (I guess that's perseverance). I'm a little excited. I'd rather not go into more details about her and such. Not really the time or place.
This week has been rough. I have schoolwork looming over my head. I had my heart crushed by the events that happened to a dear friend of mine. Work is busy and draining. But, I get to play board games with friends this evening and church plus a date on Sunday. It is a week of extremes.
She did not make it easy for me. The conversation went something like this.
Me: "So what are you doing Friday?"
Her: "Working and then dog sitting immediately afterward. Then a wedding on Saturday."
Me: "Oh, ok." *thinking* "Well shoot, I don't have a plan B."
*plays more frisbee*
Me: *thinking* "I wonder if she has lunch plans on Sunday. Is that a good time for a 'date'?"
Me: "What are you doing for lunch on Sunday?
Her: "..." "..." "Nothing"
Me: "Would you like to have lunch with me on Sunday?"
Her: "Yes, I would. Where were you thinking?"
Me: "I was thinking Italian."
Her: "Oh, I'm not a fan of Italian. Any other ideas?"
Me: "Um, no. What sounds good to you?"
Her: "I'll let you know."
If you couldn't tell my plan was Friday and Italian. Sunday and something else was completely off the cuff. I will say this, historically I would have stopped after the "busy on Friday" response, but I persevered (I guess that's perseverance). I'm a little excited. I'd rather not go into more details about her and such. Not really the time or place.
This week has been rough. I have schoolwork looming over my head. I had my heart crushed by the events that happened to a dear friend of mine. Work is busy and draining. But, I get to play board games with friends this evening and church plus a date on Sunday. It is a week of extremes.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
In my guy mind
I am a guy and a troubleshooter. I spend my days being given problems to solve, devising solutions for them, and then teaching or instructing people on how to implement them. I see these instances like a puzzle. I spend the early part figuring out the big picture, the core work puts the pieces together, and I end up with a completed puzzle at the end.
I enjoy economics for the same reason. It is a giant puzzle; pieces go in, and the end result is the economy. This is how I see this world. There is order and logic. It fascinates me, challenges me, and keeps me entertained.
When problems arise in my personal life I tend to approach them with this same mindset. The idea being that there is a path and that path leads to the answer or solution. This works well enough for me personally and professionally, but it begins to fall apart when I begin to interact personally with others. I see their problems and approach it as I would for myself.
The first problem arises when I try and get the big picture. It simply isn't possible. Many times the "big picture" doesn't exist, nor can it. Sometimes there isn't going to be a picture to work from; it is shaped as life carries on. The second problem follows people. I do not know or understand people well enough to even grasp all the intricacies that are involved in working with them. Lastly, my process is cold, logical, calculating. It removes most of the warmth and personality that is a requirement to working with others.
I say all this because my heart aches for my friends. I want there to be something I can do or say that will help them through this time of grieving. Unfortunately there isn't. People try, but words such as, "you'll see her again in heaven" or "God has a plan" are but platitudes meant to help, but rarely do.
I remember my mother passing away. I remember kissing her on the forehead as she lay motionless in her hospital room. She had already passed. Friends would say, "she was in a better place" or "that her suffering was over now" or even "that she 'fought the good fight.'" I know they meant well, but it did not make any difference to me. My pain was real, it was present. It was happening right before their eyes and there were no words anyone could offer that would help ease my sorrow.
I wanted to rage, scream, hit, fight, claw at anything and anyone who got in my way; anyone who told me it would be alright. It wasn't alright and they had no idea what they were talking about. I got angry, so very angry; and for such a long time. It has only been within the past couple years that I've finally been able to find my heart again.
I'm reminded of the story of Job. I always found it interesting that when his world came crashing down around him and there was nothing more for him to lose he sat down and wept. His friends came to him and rather than talk or offer comfort, advice, or their condolences, they sat, torn their clothes and mourned with him.
I imagine the scene like this. A man who has lost everything is sitting in the middle of a field. It is nearing the hottest part of the day and the discomfort and blistering heat of the sun is somehow justified, even warranted, because it helps he who lived identify with those who have just passed. He has torn his clothes, and sits. There is the occasional muffled cry and sniffing. His friends, having heard about his suffering, approach him. Rather than offer words and break the silence, they tear their clothes and sit near him and begin crying with him. They sat in silence with him for minutes, hours, carrying on into days. It wasn't until he, Job, spoke that they finally said something to him.
That is the story of grieving. That is the support of friends. No words, simply shared sorrow.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
But, what if she says, "no."
I walked off the field muttering to myself. I chickened out, again. I have been waiting for "that moment" to ask her (though this could relate to anyone) out. Unfortunately I have this tendency to ask at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, or just simply the wrong person.
I struggle with relationships. I have friends. I have good friends. I have friends I don't see regularly and ones I do. I have friends that I won't see for years and carry on like nothing has changed. I miss them when they are gone, I'm glad when they are present, but true, romantic relationships have always eluded me.
I know my mothers' passing has something to do with my hesitancy in pursuing a relationship. If a woman can enter my life and leave so easily (through no fault of her own) is it worth pursuing something or someone that can cause me so much pain? Historically this answer has been, "no, it is not worth it." But I am changing (and hopefully I continue to change). My answer is no longer, "no" but, "no" or even , "maybe it is worth it." Needless to say, it is changing, slowly, to a, "yes."
And like that, my troubles, problems, and life feel so small compared to others. I just found out a very dear friend of mine lost her two day old baby girl. I have no words to express the sadness and sorrow I feel for her and her husband. I am so very, very sorry.
There are brief moments where I picture myself having children. It is mostly when I'm watching a TV show and see a father and daughter interact. I am most drawn to the ones where I see the dad being a father. He may have faults and be a little immature, but he loves his children and it is evident in his acting. I envy that feeling and very much desire to have a son and daughter (at least one of each, though this is subject to change). Someday, oneday, maybe I may have the opportunity to experience fatherhood. Today I can only cry because my friend had it and it is now lost.
I struggle with relationships. I have friends. I have good friends. I have friends I don't see regularly and ones I do. I have friends that I won't see for years and carry on like nothing has changed. I miss them when they are gone, I'm glad when they are present, but true, romantic relationships have always eluded me.
I know my mothers' passing has something to do with my hesitancy in pursuing a relationship. If a woman can enter my life and leave so easily (through no fault of her own) is it worth pursuing something or someone that can cause me so much pain? Historically this answer has been, "no, it is not worth it." But I am changing (and hopefully I continue to change). My answer is no longer, "no" but, "no" or even , "maybe it is worth it." Needless to say, it is changing, slowly, to a, "yes."
And like that, my troubles, problems, and life feel so small compared to others. I just found out a very dear friend of mine lost her two day old baby girl. I have no words to express the sadness and sorrow I feel for her and her husband. I am so very, very sorry.
There are brief moments where I picture myself having children. It is mostly when I'm watching a TV show and see a father and daughter interact. I am most drawn to the ones where I see the dad being a father. He may have faults and be a little immature, but he loves his children and it is evident in his acting. I envy that feeling and very much desire to have a son and daughter (at least one of each, though this is subject to change). Someday, oneday, maybe I may have the opportunity to experience fatherhood. Today I can only cry because my friend had it and it is now lost.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
I feel I am stuck in my memories. Longing for things that will never come. They have passed me by. I feel like I'm trying to carry water with open hands. I want to grab it, hold it, seize it, but it slips past me. I want more than what I have, but what I want isn't related to anything I currently have. I don't want better this, or more of that; I want new, untapped, unexplored.
I am so very tired. I go to bed exhausted, wake up exhausted, and go throughout the day tired. I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of despondency.
I have many good things going for me, but I can't seem to get over these thoughts. I will be graduating with a masters degree in a few months. I have excelled at my education. I have friends that I interact with often and I have the freedom to experience new and exciting opportunities in my life.
I met her so very long ago; 28 years to be exact. We have experienced just about everything together. We have fought, cried, grieved, laughed, and loved each other for everyone one of those 28 years. I don't see her as often as I want and miss her more than I thought was possible. She is constantly moving and always appears to be living, maybe even a tad reckless, but she is experiencing life. I am jealous.
She has two songs that will forever be hers. She has always loved this piece of art and it was because of her that I heard this song. I have since grown to appreciate both "Starry, Starry Night" by Don McLean and the painting by Vincent Van Gogh. I remember sitting in her room and listening to this song for the first time. I saw a part of her that I rarely noticed before. I saw her heart.
I'll share her second song another day. I have to have some content for other posts. I can't use up everything in this one.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Let me tell you a story.
Truck: I know you have spent a lot of money on me recently, so I'm going to behave from here on out.
Tire: I'm not with him.
Nail: HEY GUYS!!!
Me: ??? seriously!!!
... 3 hours later ...
Me: I hate *breath* you all.
Truck: :(
Me: Ok, maybe not you.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Remembrances
Like many Generation X'ers my grandparents were hoarders born out of The Great Depression. There are stories about my fathers' parents and the clean up of their house after they moved out. We found paper plates from my first birthday (this was during the mid 90's so I was a teenager) sitting in a small stack with other gently worn paper plates. Each one was tenderly rinsed by my grandmother after their use. There were coffee cans of worn down pencils, no lead, dull point, used eraser. The amazing fact was, the house wasn't cluttered at all. It was almost spartan, yet full of these random items. Habits formed from a difficult decade, compounded by time.
My parents are hoarders. Sheds, paid for storage, and garages are a legacy handed down to me.
These thoughts about belongings stem from an e-mail from my sister. She is attempting to break the cycle of "collecting" and I applaud her effort. I have more than enough to furnish a small house by myself. It becomes ludicrous when you add a flatmate to the equation.
I mention this to say that I keep these things because of the memories they hold. Trophy's for the games and seasons I won and played. Clothes that no longer fit, haven't worn in years, but I may wear them sometime. Games/toys for my children (if/when that happens). Each item kept because of the memory.
I look at this now and see all that I have accumulated and wonder, "will I ever use this again?" Stuffed animals, soiled due to storage and age, won't ever be handed down. Gadgets that have had their batteries leak and corrode from the inside out. These items get tossed, left by the wayside so that I can fill it with something new or modern.
All this and my thoughts linger on this aspect. Many years down the road I will rummage through my belongings, going through them for some reason. I will stumble upon some item that brings up a memory and reminisce. I will be thankful that I kept that item and remember all the others that I cast away. Each item kept means that many more were lost. Are the items I am keeping the ones I value and cherish the most? What do I value the most? Is it something tangible like a picture of friends from high school or the continued relationship I have with them?
I know, at some point, I will look back and be thankful that I kept these items. They were the ones to make the cut year after year. This will be part of my legacy left to those that follow me. Are these items truly worth establishing as an heirloom? But, really, do Lego's ever go out of style?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
I find a good deal of logic in numbers. They give me a perspective, something I can refer back to and declare, "that happened." Today there are a few numbers that come to mind.
She would be 62 if she were alive today. She was only 45 when she passed away 17 years ago. She was only married for 16 years and it has been this long since I've seen her. I was only a little sprite at the age of 13. I have since lived over 1/2 my lifetime without her.
Each of these numbers mean something to me today. This is the sadness.
There are better numbers though. I shouldn't always focus on the negative.
67 is how old my step-mother is. I have known her for 13 years and she has been married to my father for 12 years.
I am blessed to have 2 wonderful women look after me, care for me, and love me. Some people don't even have 1. This is the gladness.
So many numbers, each one carrying memories, thoughts, and feelings.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened
Turning 30 came and went without too much fanfare. Calls from my parents and sister were welcome. A few friends wished me happy birthday on "ye' oldé facebook." My flatmate graciously took me out to dinner, even if he didn't want to.
I was asked, a few times, how I felt about turning 30. (I may have mentioned some of my thoughts on here previously) I tend to keep my answers dark and mildly sarcastic. My general reply is, "one year older, one year closer to death." I'm not sure my mother knew how to take it. Queue *mischievous grin*
I found out that the university is performing "Once Upon A Mattress" this Spring. It may surprise you but I happen to have some thespian blood in me. A long time ago, in a state far, far away, I was involved in this production. During the Fall semester the sophomore class (where I did my undergraduate work) would begin work on the "Sophomore Musical." I felt obligated to participate and was given the role of chorus and Sir Studley (I had lines fool, which I promptly forgot).
It was a fun experience and I really enjoyed it. It was full of dancing, acting, thespianing (???), and all sorts of other shenanigans (I love that word). I have a few memories of the performance, but there is that one stands out above the rest. Anyone who has been involved in performances knows that it can become stressful and a little tense at times (simply due to the pressure, not so much the primadonnas). Due to the nature of my alma mater, we cut a scene/song as it was deemed too "risqué."
The number was called "Man to Man Talk" and involved the mute King, his son Dauntless and an explanation of the birds and bees. Well the two characters could ham up a scene pretty well and through standard rehearsing they were pretty familiar with the scene even though it wasn't going to be performed. On more than one occasion they would break into the scene and begin singing the number and it would send the entire cast into fits of laughter.
I think I have finally decided on a song for her. My flatmate introduced me to Ron Pope a couple of months ago. I enjoyed him so much that I picked up his CD. There are several wonderful songs on the album. The album begins with "Stranded in Los Angeles" which leads into songs like "You're the Reason I Come Home" and ends with "A Drop In the Ocean." But it is one of the other songs that got stuck in my head and I had to listen to endlessly.
"Perfect For Me" is another one of those slow, acoustic songs I really enjoy. The song tells the story of a couple who have lived life together and enjoy the simple things each one brings and how much more full of a person they feel they are with each other.
I told you I was struggling with what song reminded me of her. This might be a rare instance where the song picked the person versus the person picking the song (in my mind). Don't place too much thought on the title, it's a little too, romantic to think that way. I like this girl, but (as with much in life) there are things that complicate the matter. I'm almost a decade old than her, she's a student and still has a year left. Some friends say, "no, it is too much" while others say, "go for it." And I'm the one who must, ultimately, make the decision.
There are many things that I'm willing to do. Many more that scare me. There are even more that should scare me, but I would do them because they must be done. I could see myself fighting in a war knowing everyday I could die or be told to charge into battle because someone must lead the way. I could speak in front of a large group of people and be nervous (happens just about anytime I'm teaching a course or instructing a group of people). I could climb hazardous mountains, swim treacherous oceans and rivers. I could get caught on railway bridges hundreds of feet above a river being stupid. But asking a girl out on a date is one of those rare situations where it almost paralyzes me.
By the time I ask her out I have given a good deal of thought to the situation. Why shouldn't I? This has the potential to be a life changing event. I feel it would do the situation a disservice to give it anything less. What happens is that I let the situation pass me by while I sit and think and when I finally do decide to "make my move" the time, opportunity, chance has passed me by. I've never been known to have great timing and I fall short here so very often.
One last note about the song; it is songs like these that make me really want to pick up my guitar and play until my fingers bleed. It's these songs that give me hope to believe that some day I will actually be able to play. Singing, that's another story, but if I could play I pray the singing would come along in time.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more
Oh, this is still around? Interesting, I would've thought you would have tired of me and left to go about your own business. How kind of you to still be here, waiting patiently for me. I am back, for how long no one knows. Until then, please enjoy my company. I don't believe I'll be staying long.
Many events have transpired since last October. So many that to begin would bore you, so I will share what has been on my mind recently.
I near an end to another chapter of my life in but a few days. My twenties have been good, though they could've been better. I enjoyed them, but failed to live them to my fullest. I am beginning to fear that, as I look back upon my life, it is full of a good deal of regrets. Some in lost opportunities for advancement professionally. Some in romantic endeavors. Some in pain and sorrow for friends and family that I have treated poorly. I fear these regrets may begin to define me more than the character that underlies them. I fear I may be remembered not for who I am, but for all the missed opportunities I did not pursue.
As I grow older (and maybe, just a little bit wiser) I begin to realize how true the statement is that you never really know anything. It isn't so much to say that I know less now than I did 10 years ago, but that there is so much more to know and I am beginning to realize I do not know it. The story doesn't end there, it is ever increasing.
I forget where I left off with my music and romantic interests. I may have already listed both her and this song (in a blog of ~6 posts I could go back and read, but that would feel rather defeatist at this point). I meet her maybe 3 years ago in a different life. (A poetical way of saying that I was working for the same organization, but in a different capacity.) She was a GA, an indentured servant, for the university. She was given a group to shepherd and would bring me a task to do that was mildly tedious and I would give her a hard time for doing it (but if she were to ever asked me to something even more laborious I would perform it diligently and without question... "as you wish").
A little over a year ago I began to advance my education and was thrilled to discover that she was in the class and we would be going through the program together. I saw this as a wonderful opportunity to learn about her, who she was, and be in her presence. I sat wonderfully content knowing that we would have 2 years together to cultivate a relationship.
Oblivious to the realization that this class, for her, was redundant as she had already achieved one degree of mastery and another was but icing on the proverbial cake. The time came where she was going to find herself no longer here. Her own romantic interests, passions, and life decided that her season here had ended. A missed opportunity.
I have liked Jason Mraz for a good deal of time now, but I never really knew what songs he sung or truly pursued him as an artist. Through some weird convergence of events I purchased his "Live & Acoustic" album. I enjoyed the album very much and, as I am wont to do, narrowed in on one song that stood out from the others.
I guess my core genre is adult contemporary, but I have found the sub-genre of folk and/or acoustic/live sets. One of the last songs on the CD is called "Zero Percent." The album is live. There may be an accompanying band, but here they seem to fall off. The song ranges from a quick tempo to slow audience participation and even some minor cultural influences. He breaks into an "our house" course from a popular '80's song. It ends with a little reggae. It is a unique, yet intoxicating blend of styles mixed together into a wonderful song.
I can't help but think of this song and this woman together. This is her song. It was August, the windows were down, the wonderful northern breeze was blowing and I would drive, blaring this song out, and think of her and what could've, might've been one day.
A missed opportunity, one of many in this short life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)