Heart, mind, and happiness

She left this weekend. A friend has a special event and she wanted to be there with them. I saw her Friday evening, Saturday for lunch, and Sunday night. ... ...

I hear the question be asked, "what is the problem, you saw her every day this weekend." In the intermediate period between Saturday lunch and Sunday night she drove 2.5 hours away. I missed her. She missed me. My heart ached and was sad because she wasn't nearby. My mind informed me that she was only a couple hours away and you still saw her everyday this weekend.

It was a new, different feeling. I can't say that I have ever experienced anything like that before. I'm thankful for my mind otherwise I might've been some love-sick boy pining after his girl all day until she returned to me. My mind countered my heart.

Beyond that it offered some simple logic to the equation. The last time we were separated we were just beginning to date. We still communicated, but the emotional connections that had been made over the past 3 months were not as developed as they are now. We were not in love with each other at the time. We liked each other and enjoyed each others company. I can't help but chuckle at this change in me.

Happiness is a weird concept for me. Until recently (read the past couple of months) I would rarely say I was happy, though I would classify myself as content. I am realizing more and more that happiness found in people, places, or things really is fleeting. I make these observations because of my roommate.

There was a woman he was interested in. She was a nice lady; smart, intelligent, educated, and attractive. They spent a couple months getting to know each other and hanging out. He finally indicated that he was interested in her. She took her time, and I don't know the full story, but appears to not be interested in him in a like manner.

I don't say this often, but I do love and care for him. We have spent 5 years living together. He is like a brother to me. I want to see him happy. I shared some of that with him and it wasn't until I heard his response that something hit me. He spends his time, money, and energy seeking happiness in things that are fleeting. He strives to be the best employee and worker he can be and then work "laterally" moves him to another position. (He truly is a good, dependable, reliable, employee; honestly better than me.) He seeks happiness in being a good friend. He is cherishes friendships, and goes out of his way to be available to friends; but then friends hurt him, move away, or leave him by the wayside. He desires marriage and yet has been engaged and broken up twice. He attempts to find happiness is material belongings and "nice things" and yet they break, require maintenance, or rarely bring the solace he is looking for.

I saw all this, having witnessed it first hand. He strives for happiness and yet it eludes him at every destination. The platitude of "seek happiness in Jesus" feels like it would fit, but it sounds so foolish to say, and even more difficult to share. I'm not a person who could say that to him and feel like I am reaching him, being taken seriously, or even have it given serious thought.

I care for this man as though he were my brother. He has grown on me (and hopefully I have grown on him). I value his friendship and his advice. I want him to be happy. I want him to find happiness that is permanent.

She. Loves. Me.

A couple of weeks ago I made an impulsive and rash decision to tell this woman that I loved her. I'm not ashamed of that fact, though I was a little embarrassed at my recklessness. I do love her. I love many things about her (character, heart, zeal for God, to name a few). It doesn't change my feelings for her. I have stated my goals previously. I want to see her grow and to be an encouragement to her. I have simply put words to these actions that have been present since the beginning of our relationship.

We spent the weekend together. We broke bread and watched sports together. We watched movies, tv shows, attended an art fair, spent time with her family, and I took her and her sister out on a little date. As the weekend was winding down and her family had moved on, we were going to spend a little more time with just us.

We sat in the bed of my truck in her driveway. The laptop was playing Dr. Who and I whispered softly in her ear that I loved her. This wasn't new. She would always hold me tightly after I would tell her. I tried not to say it too often.

This time was different though. She looked at me, smiled, and quietly said, "I love you too." ... ...

I was shocked; I wasn't expecting her to return the phrase. I was speechless. It felt like my heart exploded out of my chest. It was physically impossible for me to smile more than I was. I wanted to shout and scream and jump for joy. I held her so tight that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I didn't want to let go. I was just so very happy.

She said that she would always say it in return to me. I think I may have told her I loved her a dozen times over the next hour just to hear her say it back to me. I may have been so flabbergasted that I may have told her that I was going to buy her a pizza.

I had a good weekend. I had a very good weekend. I believe I have a permanent smile now. I should probably get that checked out.

Roads, where we're going we don't need roads.

The busyness of the beginning of the semester has dissipated. Routines are beginning to develop and here in another week or two habits will be formed. We are working through the trials that accompany goals, work, and spending time together as a couple.

It is beginning to weigh on me that I haven't taken her out for a special date in a week or two. We have both been busy. We have definitely made time for each other, but I want to do something special for her. Where is this creative mind when I need something (yes brain I'm talking about you)?

The other day I realized just how strong and special she is. She works part time, attends school full time, is in  (arguably) the wordiest majors one could pick, and commutes to school (20 minutes there and 20 back). When she has free time she wants to spend it with me. This is a new place for me.

I am her prize, her reward for completing her work.

Untitled due to lack of a better title

My thoughts seem to be focused on the present recently. What I am doing immediately; what is currently going on in my life. Either I have been enjoying my current life or I have been a very shallow person recently.

I had an interesting thought at church the other day. The pastor was speaking about Israel and how they ran away from their calling. I'm reminded of what God originally called Israel to do; they were to be the preachers of God to the world. God called them to be pastors. They were to be a nation of pastors.

I looked at my pastor and realized that this man has no special ability. He has training; an education, but his ability to preach does not make him special. The pastor is following a plan for his life. He knows that he is called to preach and is not running away from it. The pastor becomes dear to me because of our relationship, not because he is the pastor. If we had no relationship then there would be no reason to consider him any more or less special than another person.

Israel fled from their calling. They ran so far in another direction that God eventually said, "this is not working" and tried a different method. How different would this world be had Israel embraced their calling and become the pastors of their world? If they actively went and built relationships with other nations and became dear to them?

I have made a new friend this past year. She has become very dear to me. I care for her a great deal. She feels safe and comfortable in my arms. She knows that when I am there I will protect her, care for her, and treat her with respect and love her. What would happen if an entire nation could feel that way when someone from Israel would show up (or even my country)?