Somehow it's a bad day

I kind of blew up at my roommate this evening. It has been a long week and the stupid thing is that I don't get any chance to begin the new week on a fresh note. The old week has literally bled into the new week. I am starting this week completely and utterly behind already.

There is so much more to this. This is merely the prequel. I'll be back after I finish the next hour or 2 of work.

Well, do you?

What do I do with your memories?
They sit waiting to be used again.

Am I a footnote to your twenties?
"Yeah, I dated a guy for a little while,
it didn't work out."

Do you talk about me?
Do your friends ask about that guy?

Letting Go

A considerable amount of time has been spent on happiness, passion, and finding God. I have been struggling a good deal recently with this.

I'm not moody, in fact, as a whole, I have never felt better, more alive, and empowered. I have been given the go ahead at work to work wherever the need is. I don't have to wait to be asked. I have a good friend and coworker grooming me for a position on this team if I want it.

I am highly skilled at my position and I have increased my efficiency a good deal. I am actually, really enjoying work recently.

I am being sociable with friends. I can walk into church and know a dozen people by name. I participate in game night with a group from there. I am a volunteer leader in AWANA. I feel like I am a valued, contributing member of my local church.

I have embarked on teaching. This first day was kind of rough. I only last about ~30 minutes before I dismissed class; technology was not my friend. I will do better next week.

I made it to CR this past week. I had a small group of dedicated men that I meet with. It was postive all around.

So all this doesn't hold a candle to my relationship with God. Putting my faith, hope, trust, time, energy, attention, and passion in any of these pursuits will mean they can and will be taken from me. I really want to find my happiness in God. I want him to be my pursuit, to get my attention, time, and energy.

I sit in small group and listen to the conversation and feel out of sorts. Some of it I find high minded. Interesting in theory, but in application difficult to enact. Other conversation hits very close to home. It is the part of the conversation where it involves hiding verses in my heart so that they are there at a moments notice. I have really failed at that.

I have a good deal of knowledge of scripture, but I cannot find the verse without going to the Internet. It is my external brain pack.

I want to, need to work on that.



How do I let go of you when I really don't want to?
Why must you be so close and yet so very far away?
Why is the message continually hammering the point of finding happiness elsewhere?

The truth... I fear being alone forever.
You were the first and I don't want there to be a second.
I don't trust enough to see something else beyond the veil of the unknown.

Every time I reach a point of believing I have moved on I fall back.
Moving forward has always been very tough for me.
I know if I don't it will make it harder when I see you going ahead of me.

I Do Not

I would be with you again if it were possible.
I know the words to say.
I have sought them out.
I have memorized them.
They rest on my tongue waiting to be said.

I do not believe I will have a chance to say them.
I do not believe you will ever hear them.
I do not believe they will move you.
I do not believe you will listen.
I do not believe.

30 Days

I made a commitment 30 days ago. I attended my first meeting desperately seeking help and I am proud, excited, thrilled to say that I am 30 days sober as of yesterday.

It has not been easy. There have been days where I wanted to give up, quit, and fall back but something/someone has kept me going even when I did not want to.

I have lived in one state of being and mind for 20 years. My habits, my body, my mind have adopted and developed certain processes and those are all being forced to change.

Since attending these meetings I have found the following to be helpful and true.

1. I am not a "freak." I am not alone in my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. There are other men and women that struggle with similar issues.
2. It takes a good deal of humility, humbleness, and strength to admit you do not have the answers and need help. I am a very proud man. My parents did a good job (not necessarily the best they could do, but it was still good) opening doors, but is and always has been up to me to walk through them and make do with what I have. I got my job through a friend, but all he did was put the bug in my ear to apply. It was, and has been, my ability to maintain employment and a career here. I say that because it means I have worked for my job. I take pride in my accomplishments and this leads back to ultimately taking pride in myself. I needed to be broken and reach my bottom out point. I still have aspects of my life that I have not committed to God yet, but He is working on and in me.
3. Being open and honest with your hurts, hang-ups, and habits is incredibly freeing. Sin likes to hide. The more it hides the more shame it can convince you of. Shame leads you to believe that you are not good enough, strong enough, or that correcting behavior is not worthwhile. It is a vicious downward spiral. The great thing about sharing your sin with others is that it can no longer hide. When you share it with others who struggle with it too you feel a sense of belonging. You are not the only one struggling with these issues. There are others and you help each other.
4. Lastly, through this process of recovery I desperately need other people in my life. Each of these steps requires being in community with others. You cannot go through this alone. Going through this alone requires you to lean upon your own will power. Leaning upon your own will power has not cured you in the past. What makes you think it can cure you in the future. Eventually you will fail and the cycle will begin again. (Do you not see the pride in believing that you can do this all on your own. That you do not need other people? It is prideful to say, "I do not need anyone.")

I know that God is treating me with kid gloves. I am a baby when it comes to this road to recovery. I'm a noob. God's grace has been to supplement my strength with his and give me the confidence to realize that hope, hope of ending this cycle of shame and addiction is possible.

I broke the first night I was there. I had begun to realize that the man I was was no where close to the man I really wanted to be. I was a selfish man living for himself. I had bouts of generosity and giving, but they were not as frequent as my selfish desires. I sat there sharing my story, crying in front of these men who I had never meet before and I realized that each one had been exactly where I was. They had been broken too.

As the session went on I was invited to attend additional meetings, waking up at untold hours in the morning and driving for hours on days off to attend more meetings. The truth is that this was a little overwhelming. I wanted to admit that I was not that bad... yet.

I also had a much darker and cruel thought. The idea said, "if these men couldn't get fixed by these sessions then what makes you think that attending more sessions would fix them." I was actually appalled that this thought even entered my mind. How cruel, hurtful, and stupid was I? And so I stopped very early in that mindset and God placed a new idea in my mind.

God said, "Like you, these men are fighting and striving to crush these addictions in their life. They are pursuing and creating opportunities for them to succeed. They want to be free. If that freedom requires them to attend a session everyday of the week then so be it. It is not for you to judge them you foolish child. They have been fighting for years. You were broken after your first real relationship. You are addicted, but not to the point these others have been. You are very fortunate, but you are not free. Don't ever presume to judge another man for these same faults you struggle with. Love them, encourage them, share your story, pray for them, and do everything in your power to help them succeed."

This all happened very fast, but it was convicting none-the-less. I am a mere child on this road to recovery. Right now I am a tree planted in good top soil. Pretty soon I will be faced with the same situations I have had for the past 20 years. How will I respond? Will I fall to temptation like I have done for so long? Will I rise to meet it and trample temptation under my feet? The only thing I know is that for 20+ years I could not control my life. With God's help, persistence, and guidance I have achieved more victory in 30 days than I accomplished in 20 years.

I really like the me I am becoming. I have hope in my life. I have people in my life. I love them very much. ... I feel like I am growing.

Forgiveness

I have horrible habits. One of these habits is to shift the blame (it has also been known as blame shifting). I was given answers that were technically true and I ran with it.

The right decision was made, but I told the story incorrectly. I feel I am more to blame for the relationship not working out than she is. When we spoke I made it out to be her, her family, and how she reacts. That is true, but that is only partially true because I should bear more of the burden than I had.

I failed her. I failed myself. I failed God.

I did not make God a priority in the relationship. I did not set a spiritual tone. I did not always show respect to her or place her first. I lived selfishly and self-indulgently. If I am to make any progress; if I am to grow at all I have to acknowledge these failures in my life and work to make them strengths.

The funny thing is that I have taken weaknesses and turned them to strengths before. I vividly remember a former boss coming to me and making a major show of my lack of attention to detail. I made it a point to "show him" and I feel that attention to detail is a major strength of mine to this day.

I owe her an apology. She needs to know that it is not her or her families fault that we broke up. It was my fault and I can accept that. I did not lead the relationship, I mislead her (even if it was a lie of omission it was still a lie). If my sister or good friend were dating a man like me I would advise them to end the relationship. It would only bring pain, suffering, and heartache.

Fairness

"The world isn't fair, Calvin"

"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

-- Bill Watterson as Calvin

My previous thoughts may have lead you to think negatively of others or, perhaps, very poorly of me. The truth is that I, on occasion, do a very poor job of explaining.

The truth is that I am late to this thing called life. I have failed in working on myself. I have loved ones who have fought (tooth and nail) to wake me up, but I have not heeded their warnings and so I find myself in the position that I am.

The truth is that if my sister, mother, or dear friend where in a relationship with a man like me I would be honor bound to tell them how dangerous pursuing a life with a person like me would be.

The truth is that I am not a bad person. This is where the problem begins. I believed the fallacy that since I am not a bad person then I am pretty good. If I am pretty good it is not a far step away from being good. Since I am a good person then I must not do very bad things. This means the things I do cannot be truly harmful to others or myself because only bad things would fit that bill. Overall, I am a good person (because I am not a bad person).

The truth is that I am a selfish person and when I am measured I am found little, petty, childish, and immature.

The truth is that I need to grow up.

"Sad little king of a sad little hill."

-- River Tam