But, what if she says, "no."

I walked off the field muttering to myself. I chickened out, again. I have been waiting for "that moment" to ask her (though this could relate to anyone) out. Unfortunately I have this tendency to ask at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, or just simply the wrong person.

I struggle with relationships. I have friends. I have good friends. I have friends I don't see regularly and ones I do. I have friends that I won't see for years and carry on like nothing has changed. I miss them when they are gone, I'm glad when they are present, but true, romantic relationships have always eluded me.

I know my mothers' passing has something to do with my hesitancy in pursuing a relationship. If a woman can enter my life and leave so easily (through no fault of her own) is it worth pursuing something or someone that can cause me so much pain? Historically this answer has been, "no, it is not worth it." But I am changing (and hopefully I continue to change). My answer is no longer, "no" but, "no" or even , "maybe it is worth it." Needless to say, it is changing, slowly, to a, "yes."

And like that, my troubles, problems, and life feel so small compared to others. I just found out a very dear friend of mine lost her two day old baby girl. I have no words to express the sadness and sorrow I feel for her and her husband. I am so very, very sorry.

There are brief moments where I picture myself having children. It is mostly when I'm watching a TV show and see a father and daughter interact. I am most drawn to the ones where I see the dad being a father. He may have faults and be a little immature, but he loves his children and it is evident in his acting. I envy that feeling and very much desire to have a son and daughter (at least one of each, though this is subject to change). Someday, oneday, maybe I may have the opportunity to experience fatherhood. Today I can only cry because my friend had it and it is now lost.