...Five Hours Earlier

Postponement is rarely a desired outcome. Delaying something potentially enjoyable is never something someone looks forward to. This "huge date" planned for Sunday the 17th was interrupted by Fathers' Day. So it was delayed until the following Sunday. It was like knowing a storm was coming, preparing for it, and then finding that it pushed South, but there was another front building out West and was heading your direction.


She surprised me with the idea of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the local park. I was not expecting that, a picnic. I was given some fantastic advice by "yé oldé padré" and asked her what she wanted and stated my intention to pick up everything. ... I picked up too much and planned a meal enough for a family of 4. I didn't even bring everything I bought. I wanted to provide plenty of options.


We ate and talked. I found out about her family and shared with her some of mine. She was honest and shared some pain. She was already privy to some of mine. I discovered once again that this world is so very hard and painful; that it hurts sometimes. Yet, there are friends and family there to help ease the burden and soothe the hurts of this world.


We walked and talked and talked and walked. We threw the frisbee and talked. We sat on my tailgate and talked. I remember looking at my clock twice. Once at 3:30 and the second time at 6:00. I spent 5 hours in her company and it felt too short.


I feel like we're fencing, each other trying to figure the other party out. We are looking at weaknesses, probing, developing a strategy. I think this women actually likes me. There is a chance (slight) that I'm actually the subject of the sentence, "I met this boy today" or "I went on a date with this boy and had a good time."


And like that the feeling, "she is just a nice, good girl. She doesn't like you like that. She is just being nice and took pity on you" rises up inside me.

I made up my mind several years ago, that if I were to ever date a woman I would want her to come out of the relationship better. A better person, showing some sign of growth. I would feel like a failure if the relationship ended and there was no positive gain from it. We may part as enemies, hating, and feuding with each other, but I truly want her to have grown, learned more about herself, life, and this tragic, hard, yet wonderful world around her. The hopeful aspect of this philosophy is that it isn't mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible that she (she in the unknown, no specific person sense, not my current interest) and I could spend the rest our lives together and she will grow and experience this life, and the coolest thing about that is that I get to be a part of it. We would get to share it together.

I've always seen relationships, especially romantic ones, like a journey. Finding a spouse is a lot like finding a traveling partner. You make a conscious decision to travel through life together. It's a lot like the "Footprints in the Sand" picture except you see a third set join you and Jesus somewhere down the beach.

I haven't discovered any new musicians recently. My current favorite artist, Jason Myles Goss, released a new album recently. He will be in Chicago in July. I'm thinking about waiting till then to pick it up. There a few catchy songs that I heard through my first play through. I need to listen to it more. I thought I would try and share a song that has been going through my mind, but they would all be incredibly sappy given my current state of affairs. I'll leave you with this little gem then.

But, what if she says, "yes."

I do not believe I thought this through at all. Preparing for the worst lead me to believe that the only answer I would receive would be, "no." Apparently I under estimated my charm (or the fact that pity can turn into affection). So... kudos to me for getting on the horse. I did mention to the roommate that she's probably getting the raw end of this deal.

She did not make it easy for me. The conversation went something like this.

Me: "So what are you doing Friday?"
Her: "Working and then dog sitting immediately afterward. Then a wedding on Saturday."
Me: "Oh, ok." *thinking* "Well shoot, I don't have a plan B."
*plays more frisbee*
Me: *thinking* "I wonder if she has lunch plans on Sunday. Is that a good time for a 'date'?"
Me: "What are you doing for lunch on Sunday?
Her: "..." "..." "Nothing"
Me: "Would you like to have lunch with me on Sunday?"
Her: "Yes, I would. Where were you thinking?"
Me: "I was thinking Italian."
Her: "Oh, I'm not a fan of Italian. Any other ideas?"
Me: "Um, no. What sounds good to you?"
Her: "I'll let you know."

If you couldn't tell my plan was Friday and Italian. Sunday and something else was completely off the cuff. I will say this, historically I would have stopped after the "busy on Friday" response, but I persevered (I guess that's perseverance). I'm a little excited. I'd rather not go into more details about her and such. Not really the time or place.

This week has been rough. I have schoolwork looming over my head. I had my heart crushed by the events that happened to a dear friend of mine. Work is busy and draining. But, I get to play board games with friends this evening and church plus a date on Sunday. It is a week of extremes.

In my guy mind

I am a guy and a troubleshooter. I spend my days being given problems to solve, devising solutions for them, and then teaching or instructing people on how to implement them. I see these instances like a puzzle. I spend the early part figuring out the big picture, the core work puts the pieces together, and I end up with a completed puzzle at the end.

I enjoy economics for the same reason. It is a giant puzzle; pieces go in, and the end result is the economy. This is how I see this world. There is order and logic. It fascinates me, challenges me, and keeps me entertained.

When problems arise in my personal life I tend to approach them with this same mindset. The idea being that there is a path and that path leads to the answer or solution. This works well enough for me personally and professionally, but it begins to fall apart when I begin to interact personally with others. I see their problems and approach it as I would for myself.

The first problem arises when I try and get the big picture. It simply isn't possible. Many times the "big picture" doesn't exist, nor can it. Sometimes there isn't going to be a picture to work from; it is shaped as life carries on. The second problem follows people. I do not know or understand people well enough to even grasp all the intricacies that are involved in working with them. Lastly, my process is cold, logical, calculating. It removes most of the warmth and personality that is a requirement to working with others.

I say all this because my heart aches for my friends. I want there to be something I can do or say that will help them through this time of grieving. Unfortunately there isn't. People try, but words such as, "you'll see her again in heaven" or "God has a plan" are but platitudes meant to help, but rarely do.

I remember my mother passing away. I remember kissing her on the forehead as she lay motionless in her hospital room. She had already passed. Friends would say, "she was in a better place" or "that her suffering was over now" or even "that she 'fought the good fight.'" I know they meant well, but it did not make any difference to me. My pain was real, it was present. It was happening right before their eyes and there were no words anyone could offer that would help ease my sorrow.

I wanted to rage, scream, hit, fight, claw at anything and anyone who got in my way; anyone who told me it would be alright. It wasn't alright and they had no idea what they were talking about. I got angry, so very angry; and for such a long time. It has only been within the past couple years that I've finally been able to find my heart again.

I'm reminded of the story of Job. I always found it interesting that when his world came crashing down around him and there was nothing more for him to lose he sat down and wept. His friends came to him and rather than talk or offer comfort, advice, or their condolences, they sat, torn their clothes and mourned with him.

I imagine the scene like this. A man who has lost everything is sitting in the middle of a field. It is nearing the hottest part of the day and the discomfort and blistering heat of the sun is somehow justified, even warranted, because it helps he who lived identify with those who have just passed. He has torn his clothes, and sits. There is the occasional muffled cry and sniffing. His friends, having heard about his suffering, approach him. Rather than offer words and break the silence, they tear their clothes and sit near him and begin crying with him. They sat in silence with him for minutes, hours, carrying on into days. It wasn't until he, Job, spoke that they finally said something to him.

That is the story of grieving. That is the support of friends. No words, simply shared sorrow.

But, what if she says, "no."

I walked off the field muttering to myself. I chickened out, again. I have been waiting for "that moment" to ask her (though this could relate to anyone) out. Unfortunately I have this tendency to ask at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, or just simply the wrong person.

I struggle with relationships. I have friends. I have good friends. I have friends I don't see regularly and ones I do. I have friends that I won't see for years and carry on like nothing has changed. I miss them when they are gone, I'm glad when they are present, but true, romantic relationships have always eluded me.

I know my mothers' passing has something to do with my hesitancy in pursuing a relationship. If a woman can enter my life and leave so easily (through no fault of her own) is it worth pursuing something or someone that can cause me so much pain? Historically this answer has been, "no, it is not worth it." But I am changing (and hopefully I continue to change). My answer is no longer, "no" but, "no" or even , "maybe it is worth it." Needless to say, it is changing, slowly, to a, "yes."

And like that, my troubles, problems, and life feel so small compared to others. I just found out a very dear friend of mine lost her two day old baby girl. I have no words to express the sadness and sorrow I feel for her and her husband. I am so very, very sorry.

There are brief moments where I picture myself having children. It is mostly when I'm watching a TV show and see a father and daughter interact. I am most drawn to the ones where I see the dad being a father. He may have faults and be a little immature, but he loves his children and it is evident in his acting. I envy that feeling and very much desire to have a son and daughter (at least one of each, though this is subject to change). Someday, oneday, maybe I may have the opportunity to experience fatherhood. Today I can only cry because my friend had it and it is now lost.