Nothing, Nothing at All

I don't want to eat because every meal I planned I planned for us.
I don't want to make plans because I would make them with both of us in mind.
I don't want to watch anything because we would watching programs together.
I don't want to do anything because I was always waiting for the next moment we could spend together.
I don't want to drive places because I'm not going to pick her up.
I feel like I have lost my best friend.

I want to call her all the time to make sure she is ok.
I want to see her and confirm that she is alright with my own eyes.
I want to hug her and never let her go.
I want to kiss her forehead.
I want to smell her perfume.
I want to hear about her day.
I want to share with her mine.
I miss her very much.

We need distance.
We need separation.
We need to make meals for ourselves.
We need to make plans that do not involve each other.
We need to watch programs alone.
We need to feel comfortable being alone again.
We need to be reminded who our best friend really is and the joy that can be found with them.

The first paragraph made me depressed.
The second made me sad and about to cry.
The last gave me hope and reminded me what I need to do. I really do feel better after writing and reading this last paragraph.

To The Very Fires of Mordor

There is a scene in The Fellowship of the Ring where the men are tempted by the ring. Boromir attempts to take the ring by force making Frodo flee. Frodo is found by Aragorn and Frodo asks the question, "Will you be able to protect the ring from yourself?" Frodo then holds the ring out to Aragorn.

Aragorn moves towards Frodo, kneels down, and hessitates over taking the ring. He pauses for this brief moment and then closes Frodo's hand around the ring and pushes it towards Frodo. He says, "I would have followed you to the very end; to the very fires of Mordor."

I see that exchange as a trial that Aragorn must pass and he has enough knowledge of himself to say that he would have protected the ring to the very end, but come up wanting like his fore bearers. His sire Isildur had the opportunity to destroy the ring and rid Middle Earth of the threat of Sauron once and for all and the temptation of power corrupted him and he failed to fulfill his task.

Aragorn was faced with the same scenario and he knew he would fail like Isildur.

I faced a trial over the past 24 hours. This is the hardest, most gut wrenching choice I had to make in my entire life. I had to choose between ignoring warning signs, heeding wise advice and counsel, and pursuing my own dreams and desires or ending the relationship that we have been cultivating for almost 3 years.

I would have followed her to the very end; to the very fires of an unhappy marriage.

I lied to myself. I turned a blind eye to red flags and by lying to myself I lied and misled her. I have never loved her more than I have over the past day. I cried more over the past day than in 3 years of our relationship.

During the course of the conversation we acknowledged that we both failed. We both ignored warning signs, made compromises, and let each other off on issues that are "make-or-break."

I have issues from my script, my story, that I need to take care of. I have growth that needs to happen. I need to move, grow, and go forward. I now fear slipping back into old paths.

"Change comes with pain, but the pain of staying the same will eventually be even worse."