A chapter closes and another begins

I have been working towards my masters' degree for the past two years. I am shocked, surprised, and astonished that it has been that long. It honestly feels like it was yesterday that I began.

We were given three months for this project. The first two months were part A and the objective was to complete the first 2-3 sections of the project. There were official classes and additional homework. The final month consisted of individual meetings with the instructor to answer questions and ensure that progress was being made.

I avoided this project like the plague for the first two months. I couldn't focus, concentrate, or put anything down on paper. Over the past month I spent a good deal of my time buckling down and completing this project. It was turned in this week and I am officially, 100%, finished with my program.

Those simple words do little justice to actually give you what occurred in the background. I was struggling, lost, and could not find my way out of this project. A month ago a woman said, "yes" and she provided encouragement, focus, incentives, and faith in me that I would complete this sizable assignment. I remember praying for help. I was floundering. God answered my prayer in the most unusual manner I have ever seen.

If I was asked three months ago if I could see myself beginning a relationship while I still had my project due I would've laughed at you and called that foolish. Yet, that is exactly what happened and somehow we both managed it. I desperately want to return the favor. She has one more year left of school and has the goal of being on the Dean's List for two more semesters. I am making it my goal/priority for her to succeed. I pray now that I am nothing but encouragement, help, and strength as she finishes up her last year of school.

She has a saying called, "a safety pin" moment. The story goes that a friend needed a safety pin and they were unable to find one through the traditional means. As they were about to give up they saw one laying on the ground a couple of feet from where they were standing. It is a cute way of saying that God somehow provides.

She is my safety pin moment. God provided a way. Historically this would entail an increased desire to focus, the ability to work diligently and complete the project. But, knowing that I needed to get going, it wasn't happening. I needed something or someone to kick my butt and give me that push to carry on. He changed strategies on me and put someone in my life whom I wanted to work for.

I felt my friend summed it up best, "Is she your girlfriend or an elaborate social experiment by your profs to get your homework done? ;)" To answer this, she is my girl. I am her man. We go on dates. Yeah I kind of like her... a lot.

Like Christmas morning

When I was a child I would get very excited on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't want to go to sleep. I'd be up for hours after my bedtime waiting for that day. I'd somehow fall asleep, but would find myself waking up early in the morning out of sheer excitement.

My sister might be up already, but if she wasn't I'd make sure she was. We would head to our parents room to wake them up so we could start Christmas. This may all happen around 5:00 maybe 6:00 if my parents were lucky. We'd have family Christmas and then sometimes take a nap afterwards.

I haven't felt that way in a long time. At some point the need for sleep or the sheer excitement wears off. The excitement over gifts gives way to maturity and the realization that family, friends, and time spent together is more important and valuable than gifts.

I have woken up early, excited for the day for the past 4 days. I know that I will see this woman and I cannot wait until I do. I am that little kid again excited because everyday is Christmas. She found this cute and calls me a dork. She likes that. I like that she likes that. ... too much like...

Ask me two months ago what my perfect day would be and it would revolve around a sunny, 75 degree weather, a gentle breeze, a hammock, and a good book series that I can read. It would probably be along the coast. In one month this has changed. I can think of nothing more than spending time with her. We could be working, but we'd be productive together. It could be the same perfect day before but we'd do it together.

I'm still learning new habits and attempting to kill others. All too often I find myself looking out for yours truly without giving much thought to her. I must become more aware of the situation and recognize these instances before they arise. I have lived the better part of my life ensuring that I am taken care of. I desperately want to take care of her. I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself when I could have easily done something for her that I just did for myself.

When the mind begins to travel where the heart dares to tread

I find myself thinking. I'm glad that I do. It helps me to know that I am still alive. My mind may often wander very far away. Yesterday it made a realization I was not wanting to make and it was very hard for me to continue with the process. You might say that it went the opposite of far away, it hit so very close to home.

I tend to present a rather calm demeanor. Someone who is not prone to fits of excitement and jubilee. While that may be how I come across to people, there is someone or something raging within me. They are screaming and yelling. At this moment it is in joy. This woman is amazing. I have spent 30 years wandering this Earth and I never thought I would find someone like her. She is sweet, beautiful, intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. Everything inside me wants to yell from the rooftops that I love this woman, but I can't. I must be patient. That may be where we end up, but for now I must let this relationship progress at its own pace.

And this is where the thought began. I am 30 years old. I have been patient and waited for this moment, this time to pursue a woman. She is 21. Her life is still very much ahead of her. She can be patient and wait. I feel a sense of urgency, she is not burdened by that same feeling. This is where I am and either I must slow down and continue to be patient or she must speed up and be impatient. I am realizing that we are at two different points in life. They are not mutually exclusive and they aren't irreconcilable, but they do complicate the relationship.

How long can I, should I wait for her? How fast can she progress? Is it fair of me to ask her to move to a place where she may not be ready for? Am I fooling myself with this relationship? Am I being fair to her?

The sense of sorrow and sadness that washed over me with these thoughts drained my energy. It literally sapped the life from me yesterday. Somehow I managed to not collapse into a balling mess on the floor. I retreated to the only things I know that bring me comfort. I prayed that God would take away the sadness as I was unable to handle it at the time. I began to sing and played a little bit on the guitar. My strength slowly returned, but it demonstrated to me just how frail and lacking in strength I really am.

We have not even been seeing each other for a month and she has such an effect on me. I feared this; This woman who comes into my life; who is charming, sweet, and interested in me. I prayed that God would shield my heart because I am all too willing to give it to her.

She sang just for me

Acapella, "I love you Lord." I loved it and sang along.

She asked me to sing. I sang, "You have redeemed my soul." She wasn't familiar with it and just listened.

I love that she sings.

"I like holding you." He said.
"I like being held." She said.

New and Wondrous Imaginings

I am inundated with thoughts regarding relationships recently. I believe that I am being rather impetuous. I want things to progress faster than they are and I'm beginning to feel my impatience emerge. I have this feeling that I am her first serious crush/boyfriend and, as funny as this sounds, she is mine. The only hindrance is that mine appears more awkward and concerning. I am now the ripe old age of 30 while she is a spry 21 year old. For her this is expected. She is youthful, pretty, smart, and intelligent. All aspects that are appealing to men.

I am mature, wizened, intelligent, and just entering the prime of my life. The concerning part is that I have never had a serious relationship. Should this be cause for caution? ... Is something wrong with him?

I'm scared she will "wake up" one day and realize that she can do better than me; that I am not the man for her and that she no longer wishes to walk this journey of life with me. Maybe this is the incentive men look for when pursuing a woman. That they are scared that she will decide to no longer stay with them and so they must continually seek that affirmation. It's probably what drives men to foolish behavior. I really hope I can get some of these thoughts answered at some point.

Maybe I just need to calm down and let this play out further before digging too deep into my own thoughts. I do have this tendency to over think and analyze situations.

I've tried to remain fairly religion free on here. I don't wish to alienate individuals. My religion has come out from time to time, but I strive to be open minded and nonthreatening. I have rediscovered a song from my youth. It runs through my mind. Akin to a hunter tracking its prey it is relentless. The song is, "You are so good to me."

It speaks of the goodness that happens in life. If you understand and appreciate that then thank you. If you disagree, then skip it. You won't like it.

Baby I'm Amazed By You

Queue sappy love song.

We have seen each other at least once, if only for a few minutes, a day for the past ten days. I'm amazed at how quickly someone can enter my life and become a part of it and how I feel when they are not there. I'm laughing at myself. I guess the word for this might be love-struck or maybe this is more like Red, "I guess I just miss my friend."

I'm surprised at how tied to my phone I am now. Before two weeks ago I could almost care less what happened to it. I've let it sit, shut off because I hadn't plugged it in, for entire weekends. Now I keep it on me. I treat it like a precious heirloom. It is my connection to her. My heart jumps and a smile begins to spread across my face when I see the text icon. I check it more often and keep it within reach more frequently than I ever have.

Have I really changed and altered my life for this woman? Are these underlying traits, ones that anyone could bring out of me given the right set of circumstances? I hope that what I am showing her is an authentic man. I want to be honest. It scares me that I'm opening up to someone. I have very few secrets. I will give most anyone an honest answer, and if I choose not to answer, the response is that I would prefer not to share. It's more of an ask me again later.

I have been rocking Pandora a lot recently. I love my Jason Myles Goss station. He is just so smooth. There is an artist that comes up on the station regularly enough. The artist is Tyrone Wells. He must be gaining some recognition because a friend of mine saw him in concert a couple of weeks ago. I love the song, "Sea Breeze." It is a beautifully simple song. The combination of love, water, and dreams speaks to me.

I used to keep a dream journal. I wanted to chronicle what my dreams were, at least the ones I could remember in the morning. I don't remember many of them or even acknowledge that I have been dreaming most of the time. *Queue sappy dream metaphor*  Maybe one day I'll have a dream, lived out, to share.

Quite a Kerfuffle

I caused quite the stir the other day. I'm relatively "old school" in many areas and one happens to be dating. While I know modern social conventions do not necessitate asking permission to date someone, it is something I think about. My family (father) has raised me to appreciate and understand it. I do not expect anyone else to abide by the same stipulations.

I mentioned this to my fair lady and she found it sweet and honorable. She liked it and was agreeable to the idea. If she said that it wasn't necessary I would not have pursued it any further.

There is history between her, her father, and her family. To put it mildly he has not been the father she or they needed, but somehow he has still remained in their periphery. I spoke to him for a little while yesterday evening. He seemed a little surprised that I wanted to talk to him and more so that it was about dating his daughter.

I believe he understood my position, appreciated it, and knew that I (and her) really didn't need to ask his permission, but wanted to. We are both adults and are responsible for making our own decisions. This seemed more of an avenue to introduce myself to him and open communication with a man that is important, regardless of his history, to a woman I am interested in.

The objections raised seemed to revolve around the term permission and the connotations that it accompanies. 1. Children ask permission from their parents. Employees ask permission from their employers. But adults do not need to ask permission from anyone (within reason). 2. In addition to the above there is the negative impression that asking for permission to date, court, and marry a women devalues her as an individual and is the result of a patriarchal society. This type of society is archaic and no longer relevant in this modern world. It is the old guard and those that follow it are blinded by tradition and prefer women to be kept in the roles they have been for hundreds of years. This also makes women appear as though they are a possession to be traded, bartered, and sold.


From this mindset I'm offended. I'm pissed that my sister has not been given the same advancement opportunities as her male colleagues. I'm frustrated when male gamers ridicule and demean female gamers. Unfortunately, I all too frequently fall into the male dominated mindset. I have used "you throw like a girl" too often to count. I have used feminine terms to describe weakness and insult men. I am as guilty as anyone else in promoting hate.

At some point in life I want to have sons and daughters (well maybe just one of each). I want them to succeed. While I would prefer it to be a respectable career, I want them to have every opportunity to excel. I never want to hear that my daughter cannot do something because she isn't a boy or that she was passed over for a promotion because she wasn't the correct sex.

This is getting a little long winded and preachy. Let me end with this. Those that found or took offense to what I said missed the point of my request. It was for prayer for wisdom. I was nervous. I don't do this regularly and when I do, I do it intentionally.


This was a decision we, as a couple, made. She was ok with it. I didn't manipulate or cajole her into believing the same thing as me. She felt that I was treating her with respect and honor. Her father felt the same way. When the dust settles, I have earned respect from the her and the people most relevant in her life. I have witnessed, first hand, how not making these introductions can hurt a relationship. My desire is to see this through to the end, whether that means I have found my wife or not. I can only do what I feel I am called to do regardless of what friends or family feel. While I understand the criticism, it helped me think through the issue, I would've much more appreciated the prayer.

...Five Weeks Later

It really hasn't been five weeks, but it sort of feels like it has. I am truly blessed to work for an employer who gives additional holidays to their staff. We were given Wednesday as a holiday and the "powers that be" gifted us Thursday and Friday too. This was entirely unexpected and very well received.

We are in the middle of a fairly nasty heat wave. It has been at least 100 and mildly humid for the better part of a week. I figure that work found it cheaper to pay us to stay home than to keep all the buildings working at full power.

You may be wanting some more information about this mythical "her." We have had another date or two since Sunday. I'm not sure how to classify these things. They begin as group gatherings and then we end up together, sitting, talking, and enjoying each others company. We went to see Brave with her mother and youngest sibling. I had a wonderful time. I think she had fun too.

She invited me to her family's 4th of July party. It might be a little soon to meet the family, but since I have never been in this position before I don't know any better. Plus I enjoy meeting family. Again I had a good time. She has a pool. It was a wonderful way to pass the evening. We went a little further south to watch fireworks and ended up sitting next to a farmers' field for an hour afterwards. We probably would've stayed there all evening had the proprietor of the field inform us that they were amiable to us watching fireworks there, but that it was not a "party spot."

We went back to her place and sat on the swing until after midnight.

I meet her for "breakfast" both Thursday and Friday mornings. She was working and I waited for her in the parking lot with either a mountain dew or french toast sticks. I hope she finds that sweet and not... stalkerish. I'd even settle for creepy.

We played frisbee Thursday, went back to her place and swam for a couple hours with people from frisbee. I ended up staying later then them and we stayed up watching Pride and Prejudice until 2:00 with her grandma, mother, and sister. Friday I drove her, her mother and sister up to Midway to pick up another sibling.

I have spent each evening since Tuesday with her. She probably doesn't know this, but she has me hook, line, and sinker.