When the mind begins to travel where the heart dares to tread

I find myself thinking. I'm glad that I do. It helps me to know that I am still alive. My mind may often wander very far away. Yesterday it made a realization I was not wanting to make and it was very hard for me to continue with the process. You might say that it went the opposite of far away, it hit so very close to home.

I tend to present a rather calm demeanor. Someone who is not prone to fits of excitement and jubilee. While that may be how I come across to people, there is someone or something raging within me. They are screaming and yelling. At this moment it is in joy. This woman is amazing. I have spent 30 years wandering this Earth and I never thought I would find someone like her. She is sweet, beautiful, intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. Everything inside me wants to yell from the rooftops that I love this woman, but I can't. I must be patient. That may be where we end up, but for now I must let this relationship progress at its own pace.

And this is where the thought began. I am 30 years old. I have been patient and waited for this moment, this time to pursue a woman. She is 21. Her life is still very much ahead of her. She can be patient and wait. I feel a sense of urgency, she is not burdened by that same feeling. This is where I am and either I must slow down and continue to be patient or she must speed up and be impatient. I am realizing that we are at two different points in life. They are not mutually exclusive and they aren't irreconcilable, but they do complicate the relationship.

How long can I, should I wait for her? How fast can she progress? Is it fair of me to ask her to move to a place where she may not be ready for? Am I fooling myself with this relationship? Am I being fair to her?

The sense of sorrow and sadness that washed over me with these thoughts drained my energy. It literally sapped the life from me yesterday. Somehow I managed to not collapse into a balling mess on the floor. I retreated to the only things I know that bring me comfort. I prayed that God would take away the sadness as I was unable to handle it at the time. I began to sing and played a little bit on the guitar. My strength slowly returned, but it demonstrated to me just how frail and lacking in strength I really am.

We have not even been seeing each other for a month and she has such an effect on me. I feared this; This woman who comes into my life; who is charming, sweet, and interested in me. I prayed that God would shield my heart because I am all too willing to give it to her.