Letting Go

A considerable amount of time has been spent on happiness, passion, and finding God. I have been struggling a good deal recently with this.

I'm not moody, in fact, as a whole, I have never felt better, more alive, and empowered. I have been given the go ahead at work to work wherever the need is. I don't have to wait to be asked. I have a good friend and coworker grooming me for a position on this team if I want it.

I am highly skilled at my position and I have increased my efficiency a good deal. I am actually, really enjoying work recently.

I am being sociable with friends. I can walk into church and know a dozen people by name. I participate in game night with a group from there. I am a volunteer leader in AWANA. I feel like I am a valued, contributing member of my local church.

I have embarked on teaching. This first day was kind of rough. I only last about ~30 minutes before I dismissed class; technology was not my friend. I will do better next week.

I made it to CR this past week. I had a small group of dedicated men that I meet with. It was postive all around.

So all this doesn't hold a candle to my relationship with God. Putting my faith, hope, trust, time, energy, attention, and passion in any of these pursuits will mean they can and will be taken from me. I really want to find my happiness in God. I want him to be my pursuit, to get my attention, time, and energy.

I sit in small group and listen to the conversation and feel out of sorts. Some of it I find high minded. Interesting in theory, but in application difficult to enact. Other conversation hits very close to home. It is the part of the conversation where it involves hiding verses in my heart so that they are there at a moments notice. I have really failed at that.

I have a good deal of knowledge of scripture, but I cannot find the verse without going to the Internet. It is my external brain pack.

I want to, need to work on that.



How do I let go of you when I really don't want to?
Why must you be so close and yet so very far away?
Why is the message continually hammering the point of finding happiness elsewhere?

The truth... I fear being alone forever.
You were the first and I don't want there to be a second.
I don't trust enough to see something else beyond the veil of the unknown.

Every time I reach a point of believing I have moved on I fall back.
Moving forward has always been very tough for me.
I know if I don't it will make it harder when I see you going ahead of me.

I Do Not

I would be with you again if it were possible.
I know the words to say.
I have sought them out.
I have memorized them.
They rest on my tongue waiting to be said.

I do not believe I will have a chance to say them.
I do not believe you will ever hear them.
I do not believe they will move you.
I do not believe you will listen.
I do not believe.