We had our first fight a couple of weeks ago. It was over something stupid. I got a hankering for peanut chicken. We have a Noodles & Company in town. They have an item called "Indonesian Peanut Sauté." I love this meal. It is the closest to the Thai peanut chicken that I can get in the area. After church that evening I said that I had a place in mind and we set off for N&C.
She is not much of a vegetable fan and nothing on the menu appealed to her. She was willing to stay and let me have my meal and then we could pick something up for her afterwards. I did not like that idea. I wanted to eat with her. So I wanted to leave and go to a place where we both could enjoy something. She wanted to stay to appease me. I wanted to go to appease her. There was a stalemate. Eventually she conceded.
It wasn't until we got home that I was able to accurately describe why I wanted to find something we both could enjoy. I wanted to eat with her; share a meal with her. I didn't want to eat "alone" and then have her eat "alone." Most importantly, I didn't want to put my wants over hers. I do not want to be a man who puts himself and his desires over hers (or others for that matter). It is a continual fight within me.
I shared that with her. I told her that I don't want to be a man who puts himself, his wants, his desires first. I would rather share a meal with her at place we both enjoy than to eat "alone." The food would not taste as good. I would not enjoy the meal. The company would not be as sweet.
Our fight ended almost as quickly as it started. We both knew how silly and inconsequential it was. Fighting over where to go to dinner. Man ... First-World-Problems.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Honor
I feel like I had my honor challenged this weekend. The events went something like this.
I have been sick for the better part of the past week. This carried on into the weekend. This beautiful woman came over and kept me company Friday night and left very late. She had a very rough day despite the fact that it was a break from school for her. We talked, watched a movie, and talked some more.
She returned Saturday afternoon and spent the day with me. She worked on schoolwork. We ordered out for dinner and ended the evening with watching a movie. She left before that evening, but not near as late compared to the night before.
She mentioned that she would be going to the early service for church. I asked if I may accompany her and she was agreeable to that and offered to pick me up. She was in-front of my place for less than 2 minutes and moving constantly almost the whole time. I fixed lunch and we finished just before noon. I laid down to take a nap and she worked on schoolwork.
I awoke to a text message from a friend seriously concerned about the impression that we were giving. According to them it appeared that she had spent the night because her car was there when they went to bed and it was there when they woke up. Combine that with the comments from one of their guests who was acquainted with both of us and their concerns were raised.
I didn't know exactly how to respond to them. I understand the position they are in and their concern for me. But this is a person I have had the opportunity to know very well for almost 6 years. I consider them a very good friend. To hear that their guest made these observations and they did not respond by defending my honor (and or reputation) hurt.
This thought carries over to the community I live in. My "neighbors" are all coworkers of the institution I work at. My friends' observations made me imagine these other individuals seeing a similar pattern. The "plot" thickens because this community adheres to tradition morals. This whole thing screams of gossip to me. I don't fault my friend and I don't fault their guest, but what I would fault is these other neighbors.
The Christian religion has given and example of what to do in instances where a persons' living is not congruent with their morals (not an individuals', but the religions). You go and talk to them in wisdom and openness. If the situation does not change then you proceed in a group of peers, ending with authorities placed over them.
The problem was that my friend didn't just approach me with an interest in understanding, but jumped to me being fired and her being suspended or expelled. It was warnings and consequences. And they are right. The community I live in would jump immediately to suspending me pending an investigation. My girl would be suspended pending an investigation. With each of us awaiting the results of the investigation. Not because anything inappropriate would've happened, but because my neighbors didn't bother to come to me (or her) and choose to bring this to Human Resources.
Now HR is intended to resolve issues and develop an understanding. I trust them, but why all the undue drama when simple communication with me would've resolved everything. It is issues such as this that raise my blood levels and then my mind gets "smart." I begin to get snippy, sharp, and barbed in my responses. This gets me into trouble.
This is a very long winded way of saying that my honor has been challenged. My friend knows me and knows who I am. The behavior they are suggesting (though they state that it is not true/accurate, but that I have been giving the impression) is something that I have never shown in the past.
Their observations do not take into account:
1. I have been sick for almost a week and was purposely spending the weekend recovering (i.e. not traveling or going anywhere).
2. She has spent the night at my place once, that there were extenuating circumstances.
4. The early service is at 8:30 in the morning. If she was picking me up then of course she is going to be there early. We took her car. I was walking out of the door as she was turning around. She was there for less than 2 minutes (honestly closer to 30 seconds). We didn't get back until 10:30.
5. If you went to bed before 11:30 and woke up after 10:30 then it certainly does look like she spent the night because YOU missed 11 hours worth of time that went by when you weren't observing my place.
And this is enough to have my honor challenged; to potentially sully her reputation. Yes I am upset by this. She has grandparents how vouch that she has come home every evening since we started dating. We have had a couple late nights were I have stayed at her place till 3 in the morning and one evening where she stayed until 4. Those happened over the summer during our first month or two of dating.
I have a relationship with her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and siblings. She is the oldest of the grandchildren. I have such an immense responsibility to set an example for her brothers and sisters on how a man treats a woman and how a woman should expect a man to treat her. I must answer to all of them, to my parents, to her, and lastly to myself on how I treat her. I am not about to throw that all away for the convenience of her spending the night.
And the problem, the problem is that this Christian community is more apt to spread rumor and gossip, malign a persons name, revel in their dishonor, and sully someone's name than to give them the benefit of the doubt. We live in a land where you are innocent in words only, but everyone knows you are really guilty until every bit of evidence is finally found to make you guilty. And you don't find out first hand from the individuals' with the initial concerns. You find out when you're called to your supervisor, director, or HR to discuss these issues.
I can easily see why people hate Christians. Honestly, I'm not very fond of them at the moment either.
I have been sick for the better part of the past week. This carried on into the weekend. This beautiful woman came over and kept me company Friday night and left very late. She had a very rough day despite the fact that it was a break from school for her. We talked, watched a movie, and talked some more.
She returned Saturday afternoon and spent the day with me. She worked on schoolwork. We ordered out for dinner and ended the evening with watching a movie. She left before that evening, but not near as late compared to the night before.
She mentioned that she would be going to the early service for church. I asked if I may accompany her and she was agreeable to that and offered to pick me up. She was in-front of my place for less than 2 minutes and moving constantly almost the whole time. I fixed lunch and we finished just before noon. I laid down to take a nap and she worked on schoolwork.
I awoke to a text message from a friend seriously concerned about the impression that we were giving. According to them it appeared that she had spent the night because her car was there when they went to bed and it was there when they woke up. Combine that with the comments from one of their guests who was acquainted with both of us and their concerns were raised.
I didn't know exactly how to respond to them. I understand the position they are in and their concern for me. But this is a person I have had the opportunity to know very well for almost 6 years. I consider them a very good friend. To hear that their guest made these observations and they did not respond by defending my honor (and or reputation) hurt.
This thought carries over to the community I live in. My "neighbors" are all coworkers of the institution I work at. My friends' observations made me imagine these other individuals seeing a similar pattern. The "plot" thickens because this community adheres to tradition morals. This whole thing screams of gossip to me. I don't fault my friend and I don't fault their guest, but what I would fault is these other neighbors.
The Christian religion has given and example of what to do in instances where a persons' living is not congruent with their morals (not an individuals', but the religions). You go and talk to them in wisdom and openness. If the situation does not change then you proceed in a group of peers, ending with authorities placed over them.
The problem was that my friend didn't just approach me with an interest in understanding, but jumped to me being fired and her being suspended or expelled. It was warnings and consequences. And they are right. The community I live in would jump immediately to suspending me pending an investigation. My girl would be suspended pending an investigation. With each of us awaiting the results of the investigation. Not because anything inappropriate would've happened, but because my neighbors didn't bother to come to me (or her) and choose to bring this to Human Resources.
Now HR is intended to resolve issues and develop an understanding. I trust them, but why all the undue drama when simple communication with me would've resolved everything. It is issues such as this that raise my blood levels and then my mind gets "smart." I begin to get snippy, sharp, and barbed in my responses. This gets me into trouble.
This is a very long winded way of saying that my honor has been challenged. My friend knows me and knows who I am. The behavior they are suggesting (though they state that it is not true/accurate, but that I have been giving the impression) is something that I have never shown in the past.
Their observations do not take into account:
1. I have been sick for almost a week and was purposely spending the weekend recovering (i.e. not traveling or going anywhere).
2. She has spent the night at my place once, that there were extenuating circumstances.
- Her father was involved in a serious car accident. He was facing life threatening injuries.
- She was not alone. She had a friend visiting from out of town, her sister, and her brother all stayed too. Each group had their own room.
- Her mother and grandparents were driving up to Chicago to be with her father who was airlifted up there. There were going to be no other adults around and families have a tendency to "circle the wagons" in instances like this (speaking from personal experience).
- I was the only other person who came to the hospital at 2:00 in the morning and stayed until 5:00 with them.
- I lived nearby.
- I offered security, stability, and comfort to a family in need.
- I would have offered my home to them even if we weren't dating.
- I even e-mailed the individuals I knew in the community and explained the reason to them and both of them stated that didn't even notice it.
- There are more aspects, but that should be enough to clarify that it was nothing less than honorable and above reproach.
4. The early service is at 8:30 in the morning. If she was picking me up then of course she is going to be there early. We took her car. I was walking out of the door as she was turning around. She was there for less than 2 minutes (honestly closer to 30 seconds). We didn't get back until 10:30.
5. If you went to bed before 11:30 and woke up after 10:30 then it certainly does look like she spent the night because YOU missed 11 hours worth of time that went by when you weren't observing my place.
And this is enough to have my honor challenged; to potentially sully her reputation. Yes I am upset by this. She has grandparents how vouch that she has come home every evening since we started dating. We have had a couple late nights were I have stayed at her place till 3 in the morning and one evening where she stayed until 4. Those happened over the summer during our first month or two of dating.
I have a relationship with her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and siblings. She is the oldest of the grandchildren. I have such an immense responsibility to set an example for her brothers and sisters on how a man treats a woman and how a woman should expect a man to treat her. I must answer to all of them, to my parents, to her, and lastly to myself on how I treat her. I am not about to throw that all away for the convenience of her spending the night.
And the problem, the problem is that this Christian community is more apt to spread rumor and gossip, malign a persons name, revel in their dishonor, and sully someone's name than to give them the benefit of the doubt. We live in a land where you are innocent in words only, but everyone knows you are really guilty until every bit of evidence is finally found to make you guilty. And you don't find out first hand from the individuals' with the initial concerns. You find out when you're called to your supervisor, director, or HR to discuss these issues.
I can easily see why people hate Christians. Honestly, I'm not very fond of them at the moment either.
Heart and Soul
I've been working through the idea of a heart and soul in my mind recently. No not that one... or even that one. The physical heart and the intangible soul. I was reading something either from a friend or from a devotional site describing the human condition as vessels holding a soul.
I imagined that my soul existed before time, outside of time, and at some point a container was shaped and fashioned for it. Then my soul entered time and I was born. The thought progressed further that if I have a soul then my parents have a soul, my siblings have souls, and my friends have souls. This would make my soul very dear to my parents and likewise, their souls very dear to mine.
I then imagined that our souls knew each other before we entered time and that there was a special bond formed between us. The relationship we share in this existence was established before time. They were dear to me before I came into being and they will be dear to me after I cease to be.
This thought process reaches its next level of progression when I think of this woman. I love her. I care about her. She is very dear to me. But it is more than this, I really love her soul. Her warmth, her caring, her brilliance are all attributes that I cherish from her. My mind is drawn to the idea that our souls knew each other before we ever entered this world. That she was dear to me before time, she is dear to me now, and she will be dear to me after we move on. It is such a weird, unusual, and awesome thought to think that is true.
I imagined that my soul existed before time, outside of time, and at some point a container was shaped and fashioned for it. Then my soul entered time and I was born. The thought progressed further that if I have a soul then my parents have a soul, my siblings have souls, and my friends have souls. This would make my soul very dear to my parents and likewise, their souls very dear to mine.
I then imagined that our souls knew each other before we entered time and that there was a special bond formed between us. The relationship we share in this existence was established before time. They were dear to me before I came into being and they will be dear to me after I cease to be.
This thought process reaches its next level of progression when I think of this woman. I love her. I care about her. She is very dear to me. But it is more than this, I really love her soul. Her warmth, her caring, her brilliance are all attributes that I cherish from her. My mind is drawn to the idea that our souls knew each other before we ever entered this world. That she was dear to me before time, she is dear to me now, and she will be dear to me after we move on. It is such a weird, unusual, and awesome thought to think that is true.
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