The Dream - Pt 2

Setting: Utopian future where it looks very much like present day, but "things" have the unnatural appearance of everything being awesome. There is an underneath tone that things at not good.

Additional Information: There is an academy for youth to go train to fight in the wars. Training at the academy is very prestigious and the entire population admires cadets, but failing out of the academy or leaving is very very taboo. It is seen as an embarrassment and cadets who leave will not be able to return home and/or will be attacked on site by gangs. in the city.

Story: A group of 3 cadets are fleeing the academy. There are actually 4 friends and as they are leaving the 4th friend appears and has to make a choice between staying or going with them. They decide to go with them.

It was a little dangerous escape, but it really escalates when they hit an overgrown embankment leading into a small woods. The embankment is like a valley with grass/undergrowth growing up both sides. As the group enters the valley they are accosted by a gang. The gang easily recognizes them as cadets and proceeds to attack them.

The fight is going poorly for them and almost ends horribly when the leader of the gang has one of the members at spear point and stops the rest from attacking. There is a recognition that this gang member (male) and this cadet (female) have a romantic history. The gang member says something about their past and orders the gang to let them all go. The cadet responds with something along the lines of "well, maybe you aren't entirely bad."

The scene changes to the 4 cadets in a house. They have broken into it. They are concerned with leaving no trace that they were there, apart from some food missing (enough to make someone wonder if another member in the family ate it or if it is truly missing; i.e. I thought I had a few more eggs than this, or that bread went really fast).

The scene changes to a car being driven by a 5th person and  6th person has joined them. The car can sit 6 in 3 rows, but is sporty. Think 3 rows like a minivan, but sporty like a Kia Cadenza.

The driver is talking about payment and how they are 1 person over their allotment. The 2 non-cadets are very skilled at driving and their job of helping others get out of the city. They are eluding police on an interstate and appear to reach a point where they are going collide with the police barricade.

It is at this point that you see the vehicle use a make shift ramp to jump over the police blockade, somehow shoot a cable out of the back of the vehicle an tether itself to the bridge and swing down.

The camera has panned back and you begin seeing the city more accurately. The world is a giant forest with pockets of cities/civilization connected by these interstates/bridges. The particular "city" is on the outskirts of civilization with only jungle like cliff on the other side. The car and group are swinging and are hoping their momentum will get them across to the jungle.

The non-driver passenger, 6th person, says, "I'll be right back" and disappears. The others wait, realize that they have likely somehow made it to the jungle and are going to help from that end. The other start swinging the vehicle and get it latched to a tree that is sticking out of the jungle.

They begin disembarking onto the tree and then nimbly walk across to the main jungle-land. The protagonist is accosted by a child-like indigenous person who begins to attack them. They look a lot like little mummies, but taller, and slenderer. (Imagine if the little sprout guys from Diablo 2 were slightly taller and more slender. You know how they stand on top of each other and 1 carries a big knife. Like those guys, but without the knives and standing on each others shoulders.)

The protagonist immediately recognizes something familiar about the creature but throws it aside. Then 3-4 more emerge from jungle. The theme here is that your part has harmed something/someone and these are spirit incarnations of the hurt/harm done to that thing. Each cadet has hurt them in some fashion whether it is removing an eye, cutting off limbs, or outright killing them in the case of the protagonist. The cries begin to make sense and you hear it crying for its body. It is realized that its body and your body are one in the same, but you have done something to it so that it has lost this connection. You plead and assure it that it can have your body. When you are finished with it and this seems to calm the being down. It is assumed that the other cadets have done the same with their specters.

Your being sees the walk way behind you and proceeds to walk up the limb to the tree. you encourage it on thinking it might be neat to see the vehicle. You are followed by the 6th member who has returned. They apologize for meeting your specter like that and they are going to begin burning the rope/vine holding the car to the tree. This will burn up the car, loosen it from the "cities" and prevent others from following them.

As the specter walks up the limb they see ghosts of their family/your family: brother, sister, mom, dad and addresses them by name. They cause the specter to stop, but they proceed on at your encouragement.

In the tree a faintly glowing woman is now present. She addresses the specter like a child and by first name. She says she has a gift them them (which in my dream is a frisbee) and throws it into the void. Them impression I was given is that it will return them in the appropriate time.

The scene changes to later at a river through the jungle. The river winds around and empties into the chasm/void between the jungle and "cities." One of the cadets is sliding down the river and it is blocked by 2 strange men. When you ask to go by they say sorry, but they did not want you to see your friend killed. You scramble past them and hear your friend clinging to vines. As they swing they are too heavy for the vine and it loosens and they swing to another one. You grab a much sturdier vine, swing down and grab them just in time. (All Tarzan/George of the jungle like.)

The dream ends.

Sorry for switching between first person/third person. There are elements that could make this a neat story so I may have taken some liberties with the narration.

Somehow it's a bad day

I kind of blew up at my roommate this evening. It has been a long week and the stupid thing is that I don't get any chance to begin the new week on a fresh note. The old week has literally bled into the new week. I am starting this week completely and utterly behind already.

There is so much more to this. This is merely the prequel. I'll be back after I finish the next hour or 2 of work.

Well, do you?

What do I do with your memories?
They sit waiting to be used again.

Am I a footnote to your twenties?
"Yeah, I dated a guy for a little while,
it didn't work out."

Do you talk about me?
Do your friends ask about that guy?

Letting Go

A considerable amount of time has been spent on happiness, passion, and finding God. I have been struggling a good deal recently with this.

I'm not moody, in fact, as a whole, I have never felt better, more alive, and empowered. I have been given the go ahead at work to work wherever the need is. I don't have to wait to be asked. I have a good friend and coworker grooming me for a position on this team if I want it.

I am highly skilled at my position and I have increased my efficiency a good deal. I am actually, really enjoying work recently.

I am being sociable with friends. I can walk into church and know a dozen people by name. I participate in game night with a group from there. I am a volunteer leader in AWANA. I feel like I am a valued, contributing member of my local church.

I have embarked on teaching. This first day was kind of rough. I only last about ~30 minutes before I dismissed class; technology was not my friend. I will do better next week.

I made it to CR this past week. I had a small group of dedicated men that I meet with. It was postive all around.

So all this doesn't hold a candle to my relationship with God. Putting my faith, hope, trust, time, energy, attention, and passion in any of these pursuits will mean they can and will be taken from me. I really want to find my happiness in God. I want him to be my pursuit, to get my attention, time, and energy.

I sit in small group and listen to the conversation and feel out of sorts. Some of it I find high minded. Interesting in theory, but in application difficult to enact. Other conversation hits very close to home. It is the part of the conversation where it involves hiding verses in my heart so that they are there at a moments notice. I have really failed at that.

I have a good deal of knowledge of scripture, but I cannot find the verse without going to the Internet. It is my external brain pack.

I want to, need to work on that.



How do I let go of you when I really don't want to?
Why must you be so close and yet so very far away?
Why is the message continually hammering the point of finding happiness elsewhere?

The truth... I fear being alone forever.
You were the first and I don't want there to be a second.
I don't trust enough to see something else beyond the veil of the unknown.

Every time I reach a point of believing I have moved on I fall back.
Moving forward has always been very tough for me.
I know if I don't it will make it harder when I see you going ahead of me.

I Do Not

I would be with you again if it were possible.
I know the words to say.
I have sought them out.
I have memorized them.
They rest on my tongue waiting to be said.

I do not believe I will have a chance to say them.
I do not believe you will ever hear them.
I do not believe they will move you.
I do not believe you will listen.
I do not believe.

30 Days

I made a commitment 30 days ago. I attended my first meeting desperately seeking help and I am proud, excited, thrilled to say that I am 30 days sober as of yesterday.

It has not been easy. There have been days where I wanted to give up, quit, and fall back but something/someone has kept me going even when I did not want to.

I have lived in one state of being and mind for 20 years. My habits, my body, my mind have adopted and developed certain processes and those are all being forced to change.

Since attending these meetings I have found the following to be helpful and true.

1. I am not a "freak." I am not alone in my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. There are other men and women that struggle with similar issues.
2. It takes a good deal of humility, humbleness, and strength to admit you do not have the answers and need help. I am a very proud man. My parents did a good job (not necessarily the best they could do, but it was still good) opening doors, but is and always has been up to me to walk through them and make do with what I have. I got my job through a friend, but all he did was put the bug in my ear to apply. It was, and has been, my ability to maintain employment and a career here. I say that because it means I have worked for my job. I take pride in my accomplishments and this leads back to ultimately taking pride in myself. I needed to be broken and reach my bottom out point. I still have aspects of my life that I have not committed to God yet, but He is working on and in me.
3. Being open and honest with your hurts, hang-ups, and habits is incredibly freeing. Sin likes to hide. The more it hides the more shame it can convince you of. Shame leads you to believe that you are not good enough, strong enough, or that correcting behavior is not worthwhile. It is a vicious downward spiral. The great thing about sharing your sin with others is that it can no longer hide. When you share it with others who struggle with it too you feel a sense of belonging. You are not the only one struggling with these issues. There are others and you help each other.
4. Lastly, through this process of recovery I desperately need other people in my life. Each of these steps requires being in community with others. You cannot go through this alone. Going through this alone requires you to lean upon your own will power. Leaning upon your own will power has not cured you in the past. What makes you think it can cure you in the future. Eventually you will fail and the cycle will begin again. (Do you not see the pride in believing that you can do this all on your own. That you do not need other people? It is prideful to say, "I do not need anyone.")

I know that God is treating me with kid gloves. I am a baby when it comes to this road to recovery. I'm a noob. God's grace has been to supplement my strength with his and give me the confidence to realize that hope, hope of ending this cycle of shame and addiction is possible.

I broke the first night I was there. I had begun to realize that the man I was was no where close to the man I really wanted to be. I was a selfish man living for himself. I had bouts of generosity and giving, but they were not as frequent as my selfish desires. I sat there sharing my story, crying in front of these men who I had never meet before and I realized that each one had been exactly where I was. They had been broken too.

As the session went on I was invited to attend additional meetings, waking up at untold hours in the morning and driving for hours on days off to attend more meetings. The truth is that this was a little overwhelming. I wanted to admit that I was not that bad... yet.

I also had a much darker and cruel thought. The idea said, "if these men couldn't get fixed by these sessions then what makes you think that attending more sessions would fix them." I was actually appalled that this thought even entered my mind. How cruel, hurtful, and stupid was I? And so I stopped very early in that mindset and God placed a new idea in my mind.

God said, "Like you, these men are fighting and striving to crush these addictions in their life. They are pursuing and creating opportunities for them to succeed. They want to be free. If that freedom requires them to attend a session everyday of the week then so be it. It is not for you to judge them you foolish child. They have been fighting for years. You were broken after your first real relationship. You are addicted, but not to the point these others have been. You are very fortunate, but you are not free. Don't ever presume to judge another man for these same faults you struggle with. Love them, encourage them, share your story, pray for them, and do everything in your power to help them succeed."

This all happened very fast, but it was convicting none-the-less. I am a mere child on this road to recovery. Right now I am a tree planted in good top soil. Pretty soon I will be faced with the same situations I have had for the past 20 years. How will I respond? Will I fall to temptation like I have done for so long? Will I rise to meet it and trample temptation under my feet? The only thing I know is that for 20+ years I could not control my life. With God's help, persistence, and guidance I have achieved more victory in 30 days than I accomplished in 20 years.

I really like the me I am becoming. I have hope in my life. I have people in my life. I love them very much. ... I feel like I am growing.

Forgiveness

I have horrible habits. One of these habits is to shift the blame (it has also been known as blame shifting). I was given answers that were technically true and I ran with it.

The right decision was made, but I told the story incorrectly. I feel I am more to blame for the relationship not working out than she is. When we spoke I made it out to be her, her family, and how she reacts. That is true, but that is only partially true because I should bear more of the burden than I had.

I failed her. I failed myself. I failed God.

I did not make God a priority in the relationship. I did not set a spiritual tone. I did not always show respect to her or place her first. I lived selfishly and self-indulgently. If I am to make any progress; if I am to grow at all I have to acknowledge these failures in my life and work to make them strengths.

The funny thing is that I have taken weaknesses and turned them to strengths before. I vividly remember a former boss coming to me and making a major show of my lack of attention to detail. I made it a point to "show him" and I feel that attention to detail is a major strength of mine to this day.

I owe her an apology. She needs to know that it is not her or her families fault that we broke up. It was my fault and I can accept that. I did not lead the relationship, I mislead her (even if it was a lie of omission it was still a lie). If my sister or good friend were dating a man like me I would advise them to end the relationship. It would only bring pain, suffering, and heartache.

Fairness

"The world isn't fair, Calvin"

"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

-- Bill Watterson as Calvin

My previous thoughts may have lead you to think negatively of others or, perhaps, very poorly of me. The truth is that I, on occasion, do a very poor job of explaining.

The truth is that I am late to this thing called life. I have failed in working on myself. I have loved ones who have fought (tooth and nail) to wake me up, but I have not heeded their warnings and so I find myself in the position that I am.

The truth is that if my sister, mother, or dear friend where in a relationship with a man like me I would be honor bound to tell them how dangerous pursuing a life with a person like me would be.

The truth is that I am not a bad person. This is where the problem begins. I believed the fallacy that since I am not a bad person then I am pretty good. If I am pretty good it is not a far step away from being good. Since I am a good person then I must not do very bad things. This means the things I do cannot be truly harmful to others or myself because only bad things would fit that bill. Overall, I am a good person (because I am not a bad person).

The truth is that I am a selfish person and when I am measured I am found little, petty, childish, and immature.

The truth is that I need to grow up.

"Sad little king of a sad little hill."

-- River Tam

The best laid schemes of mice and men

The plan was to be engaged this winter; literally over these past 3 weeks. The wedding would be sometime this summer or early fall. We would be married, living in my apartment, living like no one else so that later we could live like no one else.

I had a discussion with people whose advice I highly value. I asked questions like:

1. Should a person be held accountable because of their family? If their family does something horribly wrong is it their fault too?
2. How does someone change? 
3. Can their spouse, significant other, or romantic interest be a part of that change?

Answer #1
Why was this important? I needed to know if some of the bad tendencies that I noticed in her family were really causes to be alarmed about. Were they issues that should cause me to second guess a relationship with her. I did not feel that it was cause to end the relationship, but I needed/wanted confirmation.

It was confirmed that a persons family should not be held against them. If their father is in jail for raping someone it should not be held against them. They cannot be held accountable to their parents mistakes. But if they rape someone it is a major concern. It is a huge red flag and any romantic relationship should be put on hold or cut altogether.

This should cause you to be more aware of how they respond to those stressors. When disagreements or arguments arise, how do they handle them? How do they respond to their elders if they come from a dysfunctional home? They are a product of that environment. It means that they may hate the behavior and yet repeat it (as I am all too familiar with doing).

Answer #2
Why was this important? I needed to know how I can help them change. If it is such bad behavior and something I do not want in a spouse then I want to know how to change it.

It is changed ... by themselves. I have changed in the 7+ years I have lived out here. I have matured and ... wizened in that time. I also have reckless tendencies, but I control them, channel them, and use them constructively, versus giving in to them.

But it was a slow process and it took time. It was something that was working on me, through me, and in me for a while until I had an epiphany. I want to do this or operate in that manner. No one came to me and said, "You will do this now" or "You will think this way now." Talk like that sounds very hypnotic and I have yet to be hypnotized.

So a person changes because they want to. This makes sense because we, humans, do what we want to do. If we want to change we will and if we don't want to change then we won't. Four years ago I wanted to attached a woman in my masters cohort. I wanted to be a man she would be attracted to. I began working out regularly and got involved in a sports club. I changed because I wanted to.

So this person will change their behavior when they want to. It usually takes a triggering moment. Mine was wanting this woman to like me. It was my triggering moment. It ... spurred me to growth.

Answer #3
Why was this important? I desperately needed this answer because of the first two questions. I had to know if I could be a part of this change. I'm going to spoil this section, this is where my heart broke. This is where I made the hardest choice I have made in my life to date.

The short answer is, "No." No you cannot be a part of this change. The longer answer is yes, but with so many caveats, stipulations, and boxes to fill that the likelihood of a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest being a part of this is rarely possible or a good idea.

The much longer answer is that it depends on the work that needs to be done. I had a mother until I was 13, but in reality she was sick from when I was 9 or 10 to, literally the day I turned 13 (she probably should've been in the hospital that week, but wasn't). So I spent from age 9-13 in a home where my mother was sick. Both of my parents worked hard to provide for my sister and I, but it was a home where hurt and pain entered.

Then at age 13 I lost my mother. I did the only thing a 13 year old knew to do. I made a vow to myself that I would never be hurt like that again. It was a stupid promise that indeed worked very well until I realized that I am 30 years old and have let very few people into my life. So I broke that vow (or more accurately realized its foolishness) and let someone into my life.

She was an instrument of change in my life. She helped me learn to love someone again; to love them so deeply it hurts when they aren't there. I look back on my life and wonder how many people have I missed having a love this deeply. I believe in a God that feels this way about me (and truth be told he feels this way about everyone).

But my growth doesn't stop there. I missed ~9 years of watching, learning, seeing, and educating myself under parents who would model married life to me. This does not do my father justice, but I was not into drugs, smoking, sex, or unconscionable people so technically I was ok. I was not, but from the outside looking in, I was fine.

I am learning these lessons now. I need to learn how to be truly unselfish. I am incredibly giving and charitable in some areas of my life and horrendously selfish and manipulative in others. These lessons are ones I learn from having them taught to me from a mother and father.

Hidden Answer #3B - The unforeseen question
If these are lessons I learn from parents then what happens if it is a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest that becomes the teacher? I can't speak to other children (we are all children after all), but I do resent my parents. Not all the time, but some times I do. I need a break from them. I need to make mistakes and know they'll be there to help me get back up (at least healthy, responsible parents will be).

If my spouse is teaching me these lessons and they are learned from a parent, it is very likely that I will begin to see my spouse less as a spouse sharing life and experiences with me and more as a parents scolding me when I am bad, cleaning up after me, and teaching me lessons in life. I am going to rebel against them. In a marriage this rebellion takes the form of an affair.

The Penultimate or Mayhaps the Ultimate
I want to believe that I can change of my own accord, without external intervention, but the truth remains that I need some sort of stimulus, some triggering event in order for change to occur. Being told that I am selfish is not a trigger because I can point to weekends devoted to others, labor that I will never see any tangible reward from, that demonstrates I am unselfish and giving. The change I need needs to occur deep down in my heart. This change can only occur when I am broken; so that I can be remade whole again and stronger than before.

The Ultimate
And so we end where we began. These plans, 2+ years in the making are not going to happen. We will not be engaged over the winter, nor will we be married in the summer or early fall. We have spoken less than 3 minutes in the past 3 weeks where for 2+ years we would spend entire days together.

I am really struggling with this. The logic makes sense. It even has supporting evidence, but I want to say, "Damn it all, I'm different and it won't happen to me. I won't let it."

Yeah, It's Been Kind of Rough

This has been a particularly rough day. I have been sick before. I have sick to the point where it felt like I was going to die before (queue overly dramatic music). But over the past 2 1/2 years I have had a dear friend sitting beside me, keeping me company, and helping me feel better.

I don't have that friend with me today and it really hurts.

Nothing, Nothing at All

I don't want to eat because every meal I planned I planned for us.
I don't want to make plans because I would make them with both of us in mind.
I don't want to watch anything because we would watching programs together.
I don't want to do anything because I was always waiting for the next moment we could spend together.
I don't want to drive places because I'm not going to pick her up.
I feel like I have lost my best friend.

I want to call her all the time to make sure she is ok.
I want to see her and confirm that she is alright with my own eyes.
I want to hug her and never let her go.
I want to kiss her forehead.
I want to smell her perfume.
I want to hear about her day.
I want to share with her mine.
I miss her very much.

We need distance.
We need separation.
We need to make meals for ourselves.
We need to make plans that do not involve each other.
We need to watch programs alone.
We need to feel comfortable being alone again.
We need to be reminded who our best friend really is and the joy that can be found with them.

The first paragraph made me depressed.
The second made me sad and about to cry.
The last gave me hope and reminded me what I need to do. I really do feel better after writing and reading this last paragraph.

To The Very Fires of Mordor

There is a scene in The Fellowship of the Ring where the men are tempted by the ring. Boromir attempts to take the ring by force making Frodo flee. Frodo is found by Aragorn and Frodo asks the question, "Will you be able to protect the ring from yourself?" Frodo then holds the ring out to Aragorn.

Aragorn moves towards Frodo, kneels down, and hessitates over taking the ring. He pauses for this brief moment and then closes Frodo's hand around the ring and pushes it towards Frodo. He says, "I would have followed you to the very end; to the very fires of Mordor."

I see that exchange as a trial that Aragorn must pass and he has enough knowledge of himself to say that he would have protected the ring to the very end, but come up wanting like his fore bearers. His sire Isildur had the opportunity to destroy the ring and rid Middle Earth of the threat of Sauron once and for all and the temptation of power corrupted him and he failed to fulfill his task.

Aragorn was faced with the same scenario and he knew he would fail like Isildur.

I faced a trial over the past 24 hours. This is the hardest, most gut wrenching choice I had to make in my entire life. I had to choose between ignoring warning signs, heeding wise advice and counsel, and pursuing my own dreams and desires or ending the relationship that we have been cultivating for almost 3 years.

I would have followed her to the very end; to the very fires of an unhappy marriage.

I lied to myself. I turned a blind eye to red flags and by lying to myself I lied and misled her. I have never loved her more than I have over the past day. I cried more over the past day than in 3 years of our relationship.

During the course of the conversation we acknowledged that we both failed. We both ignored warning signs, made compromises, and let each other off on issues that are "make-or-break."

I have issues from my script, my story, that I need to take care of. I have growth that needs to happen. I need to move, grow, and go forward. I now fear slipping back into old paths.

"Change comes with pain, but the pain of staying the same will eventually be even worse."

The Great Debate(r)

The concept of homosexuality has been brought up a good deal in discussion between the girlfriend and I. I do not have any answers and so this is merely a forum for thoughts versus a desire to generate any specific dialogue.

I adhere to a Christian worldview. This worldview states that there are morally right and wrong things to do. One of these wrong things is a homosexual lifestyle. A morally right thing is to speak with fellow believers regarding morally wrong things and to challenge each other to change (i.e. move towards morally right things).

We (in the general Christian sense) have a responsibility to other Christians to confront and encourage in growth and right living. The question I struggle with is how, when, and in what ways do I encourage non-Christian followers (or even Christian followers) in right living? More specifically, how do I show the good work done in me to my friends who are gay/lesbian.

The gay/lesbian lifestyle is not foreign to me. I have a good friend I have known since college who is gay (though they did not identify with that lifestyle until after college). I have a cousin who is a lesbian. I worked for a gay "couple" (it isn't that I do not acknowledge their living arrangement, but I am positively unsure if they were a couple or merely "friends with benefits") for several years. I have worked beside, traveled with, and am related to gay/lesbian individuals. They have been a part of my life and influenced me in several areas (part of my work ethic and attention to detail comes from lessons I learned while working with them).

I have never felt abused or taken advantaged of by them. While I may disagree with how they ran a business I have never felt any animosity towards them. This is my history with the gay/lesbian culture and lifestyle.

The lifestyle simply does not make sense to me. From a scientific point of view it is not possible for homosexual entities to procreate. An hypothesis could be made that there have not been enough generations of homosexual attempts to breed and thus evolution will take place, it just hasn't yet. (Though according to scientists mankind has been on Earth for over 250,000 years and it would not be out of the realm of possibility to assume/conclude that homosexual individuals have been around that long.)

Another hypothesis is that this requires a child born with both sex organs, then choosing (or having the choice determined for them by guardians) and then being able to procreate. The problem is that this would require a single sex organ reproducing with a member of the opposite sex. It just does not work naturally and would require outside interference in order for it to work and continue the existence of the species. From a scientific standpoint I do not see homosexuality working.

The core of my struggles appears to lie with whether homosexuality is a choice or a factor of biology. My worldview leans towards homosexuality being a choice. This choice is not biological, but personal and is up to the individual to choose differently. In my opinion the "evidence" does not support a biological basis and because of that I lean towards a choice.

It is not a clear cut choice though. It is a grey area full of history and culture that a person is raised in. Something I do agree with is that individuals can find themselves more comfortable or aligning closer with one sex or the other.

For example a male child that had a strong motherly influence (hard, aggressive, masculine, etc.). They identify traditional maternal attributes in men. Add to this an insecurity around women and you have a male who seeks female attributes in men and is more comfortable socializing with men. Why wouldn't they be attracted to men if they are more comfortable and can find the type of companionship they desire in the same sex? It does not make it biological (though it may appear that way), but is a result of the environment they were raised in. It is not their fault, but they do have a choice.

All this could be moot though. The Christian worldview also has a concept of a fallen nature. In essence this world was created perfect (without fault). Sin entered this world and made it corrupt. This corruption could (and may very likely) extend to biology and the traditional heterosexual relationship. In this case a person could be biologically drawn to the same sex and have little choice...

... And that hurts because I am finding that love is a wonderful thing. The thought that someone would be denied the ability to love as I love is very hurtful. The thought that God would allow someone to have to live a life where they are constantly drawn to relationships with the opposite sex knowing that it is wrong "in the eyes of God" is troublesome.

I do believe in a God who is capable of miracles and this seems to be only way to hope. (I freely admit I do not see all avenues and God is much wiser than me.)

Thinking and other Thoughts

I stirred around 6:00 this morning and could not go back to sleep. My mind was overwhelmed by the thoughts of the previous day and of days yet to come.

I have been told that she is "confused" and "doesn't know where our relationship is going." She tells me that I am afraid of commitment and that guys (me included) have a problem with committing. I don't believe I have a problem with committing. I do have a problem with preparation, or more specifically the lack of preparation.

I have heard that as women go through pregnancy they begin to "nest." i.e. Prepare a place for their child to live, thrive, receive nourishment, and grow all in relative safety. That is not seen as abnormal. I feel I am going through a similar (though different) circumstance. I want to have aspects of my life in order before I ask her to join me on this path through life. I want to have money saved and set aside. I want to make sure I can provide for her. I want to make sure that I am providing a place of safety and growth. This is "male nesting."

I just recently saved $1000. It has taken several months and there were some setbacks when saving to that point. Now that I have that set aside I want to begin saving for an engagement ring, the wedding, honeymoon, and all the other expenses that accompany building a life with a wife. I feel like she assumes I make more or have more than I say; that I am better off than I really am.

I have very strong opinions regarding marriage and divorce. My generation and those that come after me are so quick to jump in marriage without looking at where we/they are going. Marriage is a significant milestone in life. It brings both joy and pain. What is the need to rush headlong towards it without having a plan or eliminating obstacles. Marriage is hard enough as it is that is does not need any help making it any more challenging. I want to remove as many challenges before I am married as I can.

I feel like I am pushing a massive stone up a ramp. This stone is huge and is comprised of all the problems that can occur for an individual and some that happen to a couple. When I begin to think of rings, weddings, honeymoon's, etc. this stone, at its current place will rollback over me.

What woman would want her man to take out a loan to pay for her engagement ring; or a loan for the wedding or honeymoon? Why would you want to start off married life under those burdens?

So a possible solution is to work more. I have the opportunity for overtime, but it is not consistent overtime. We have both talked about picking up part time jobs. However, there is a problem. If I pick up a part-time job I don't plan on placing many restrictions on my schedule. This means I'll be available to work every evening but Thursday night and Sunday morning. I could easily see myself working Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, then Saturday afternoon to evening and the same for Sunday. Working like that when will I have time to spend it with her? Then she is planning on working part time.

From what I gather she would work Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We would see each other for Sunday service, Thursday night after small group, and maybe one other day during the week. Her love language is quality time and we are down to spending time together twice during the week, ~8:30 to 10 on Thursdays and 7 to 10 either Monday or Tuesday. We currently spend about 5-6 evenings together now. I have been told that even that is not "quality time" and that I need to do more. How in the world can I give more quality time in 4.5 hours versus the 10-20 that we share now?

I know quantity of time does not always equal quality of time, but it does help. I do not know where this time will come from. I do not know where I will find more money. I want this relationship to succeed. I am just not feeling the love... I guess.

Waiting for My New Life to Begin

The title comes from this segment on Scrubs. It apparently is also a Colin Hay song (who has a long and storied history with Scrubs). It seemed relevant given the length of time between this post and the last one (congrats to 6+ months between posting).

As a new year has begun I need to begin with an airing of grievances.

1. LogMeIn has decided to discontinue their Free service. I made use of this service as it was easy, convenient, and I have had a prior relationship with LogMeIn and they had established some goodwill with me. The decision to discontinue this service was practically immediate. Users were given 7 days to find a replacement. If this news was dropped a month or two prior to the cancellation and we were informed it would be closing as of XYZ date it would be a different story. Users awoke with an e-mail that said their product offering would end in 7 days.
   
   I did not use this service for profit. I used it personally. I operated within the intention of its use.
   
   As an incentive users were given a 50% discount for the paid subscription to the LogMeIn service. The problem is that their pricing is, in my opinion (and apparently many others'), very overpriced. A base subscription to LogMeIn Pro for 1 year is $99. This allows you to install the app on 2 workstations and fully control those 2 from any other location. The problem is that I have 3 computers I would use regularly.
   
   This is what I would expect for a $99/year subscription.
   A. A mobile and tablet friendly application. I can control my computers from any iOS device, Android device with Android 4.0 or newer, and even Windows Mobile.
   B. This would not be limited to workstations. The application would allow the remote control of mobile devices too. I want to access my iPad from my computer ... I can do it. I want to locate my Android phone ... I can do it.
   C. The limit would be increased from 2 workstations to 10-20 devices. My computers, tablets, phones, fridges, roombas, it doesn't matter; I can access it all through one device and vice-versa.
   
   What goodwill LogMeIn had generated over the past couple of years was gone the instant they gave me 7 days of continued use and then pay $50 for their product. That is not how you conduct business, treat your users, and spend the goodwill you have earned.
   
2. Several years ago there was a nasty ice storm that moved through the region. My employer had not called work off so I dug myself out, slowly made my way into the office, got situated for a day of work, and was told that they called it, and were sending people home at 9 a.m.
   
   After that incident they stated that if local schools were closed we would close too. As it so happened local schools closed. Classes were cancelled and both students and faculty were told to stay home, but staff were asked to come to work. Not exactly the position they stated they adopted previously. Add that this decision to cancel classes happened by 4:00 p.m. the previous day, but they could not decide to shutdown until 9:00 the following morning.
   
   To add further fuel to the situation this exact same scenario was played out differently 3 weeks prior and resulted in a different resolution. It is the proverbial right-hand not knowing with the left-hand is doing conundrum.

Shaming

Shame carries a considerable amount of weight with it. I live with shame. It feels like the drip of water on stone. Eventually the stone wears down under the constant drip of water. Like all people I desire to keep my shame hidden. I take great strides in making sure others never find out about it.

This world works very hard to claim that sexual desires are good and wholesome. They even temper it with the phrase that, "it is good in the proper context." (Read: when two people love each other very much.) They (Read: The world) goes out of their way to justify these actions (because heaven forbid they are deemed "intolerant").The world even goes so far as to say that it is alright if you gratify yourself as long as you are not affecting others. This is part of my shame.

This life teaches you that in order to be attractive, lovely, beautiful, and handsome you must have a certain image. This takes the form of body type, physical activity, appearance. Any deviation from this attracts ridicule and shames the person because they do not match this ideal. This is part of my shame.

The ability to be successful is core and central to "the good life." The accumulation of wealth, proper management of finances, the ability to have are all this are signs of success. The lack of these demonstrates stupidity, foolishness, and ineptitude. This is part of my shame.

Recently I have been struggling financially. I took out loans for my graduate school education to cover a fee. I thought I took out more than I did and when I received the extra back I assumed that the fee had been removed. It was not and I find myself required to pay back both the loan and the fee. How stupid am I?

I was introduced to a families shame the other day. I am still at a loss for how to respond to it. It frustrates me. It angers me. I want to fight against it, but I am one man. They are legion (my sense of humor meaning they outnumber me).

I am ashamed of those three items above. I cannot make an excuse for them. They are bad. They do not help me grow. I am worse off with them than I am without them. Each one has their fingers so entwined in me that I fear I will never be rid of them without external assistance. I "blush" (read: Jeremiah 3:3) because the thought of someone finding out that I do not actively keep them at bay causes me distress.

I watched this family have no shame for the way they live. I see the third paragraph of the poem "The Song for A Fifth Child" knitted into a plaque and praised. I see children selfishly demand. I see parents acquiesce. All this to the inverted, upside-down glory of this house and family.

I don't hate them. In fact it is the farthest thing from hate. I love this family so much that I want to see them happy, healthy, and safe; in an environment that fosters love, growth, and godliness. I am deeply saddened. I hurt for them and they don't even realize they are in pain. I feel like I'm watching the Monty Python "Black Knight" sketch only in real life with dire consequences. Their arm has fallen off and they call me a liar. Their legs have been lopped off they call it a scratch.

I have immediately and suddenly found myself grateful for my father and the life that he provided to my sister and I. For 5 years he was a single parent, managing a large house, being both mother and father. I have no idea how he managed. He somehow taught proper habits, instilled correct hygiene, and a gave us a healthy respect for others. I don't believe I took those traits for granted, but I certainly did not appreciate them as much as I did yesterday.

And so the plot thickens

Somehow, in the grand scheme of life, things happen. You never really know how or why, but they do. I found out the other day that I owe additional money for my education. I received a "free" masters degree, but there were "incidentals." My thought process at the time.

I do not have the money laying around. I took out a loan for more than the cost figuring that it would help me with some other expenses. When I was in undergrad I took out loans too. All of my school related expenses were deducted and any extra was given to me. I assumed that this was how this operated. Mistake.

It has been over a year since those funds were all disbursed. I have since spent them all on various and assorted sundries. And like I was 3 years ago I do not have the money sitting around waiting to be spent.

I'm disappointed this wasn't resolved beforehand. I operated under an improper understanding of how this system works. And the biggest frustration... is with myself.

I constantly feel defeated because of my inability to properly manage finances. I am saddened that once again I owe money and have no means by which I can make a payment. I was beginning to feel that I was making progress only to have something like this creep up and hit me. The consolation, I can have the whole thing fixed/corrected in less than 6 months. The problem, they have given me 15 days to pay them in any way possible.

Girl you are so groovy (borrowed from Penny Arcade)

The messages at church have revolved around marriage for the past couple of weeks. Since marriage is something that has grown on me and I am warming up to these messages hold a special interest for me.

On Mother's Day the message was about friendship. The premise was that your spouse is a good friend. In fact, they are one of your best friends. You enjoy doing things together. You pal around together. You go and do things that one party enjoys and they other goes along because they are a friend. One of the core aspects of a marriage is the ability to be friends.

It made sense to me that this woman I have been dating is indeed a good friend of mine. She is one of my best friends. I enjoy palling around with her. I enjoy doing things with her, not because I enjoy them, but because she does and I am there as a friend. If I were to remove the romantic aspect of our relationship I would be a her friend and she would be mine.

I am very thankful our relationship. I am aware that it is an immense blessing. I love this woman and I am so very thankful that we are friends.

Time keeps on slipping, into the future

I am enamored with time at the moment. I want more time. I need more time. I want it to stop for everyone but me. I want to control it; to spend it with the people whom I care immensely for.

We did a funny thing when we first started dating. We'd ask each other random, fun questions. One of these questions was, "what super power would I want?" I told her I wanted the ability to control time. In my 30+ years of living there are many times I would want to change small, somewhat insignificant aspects of my life. I don't want to go back in time and cure my mothers' cancer, but I would want to go back and tell her I loved her one last time.

I wouldn't want to say, "do this or do that" to myself, but I would want to make sure that I remember those times I lived. And that is all the past.

My future looks very promising, but I'd want to slow down time with her; to make it last.

My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago. I was the only representative from my mothers' side of the family. Neither my father, nor my sister were able to attend the memorial and internment.

He was a large fellow. I remember he came to visit a couple times when I was growing up and would stay in my room because my box spring and mattress was on the floor. He wouldn't always bath often or properly due to his size. He lived larger than life. He didn't take crap from the world and typically that was what he gave back to it. That is my memory of the man. That is the impression he left on me as I grew up.

A couple of years ago he came up to his mothers' 90th birthday party. He had health issues and lost a considerable amount of weight. He was still tall, but thinner (not the good kind of thin). I saw him interact with my cousins and me and he would call me a, "dumb-ass" if the situation warranted it. He picked on us boys, but the moment my sister entered the room he would immediately take notice of her and on one hand call us fools and the other be the most respectful and polite individual one could imagine.

See he loved my birth mother. My sister is similar to her in many respects. I found it interesting to see the change come over him and the power a woman can have on a "rough and tumble" man. As we left the party I hugged him and told him I loved him. He didn't know what to make of it. I don't think he's ever been told that by his son or nephews. He stammered something out that I don't remember. My sister did the same, but it was different.

At his memorial service many people spoke about him. The overwhelming comment was he was a good, dependable, giving friend. He offered of himself anything that was at his disposal. Stories of fixing swing sets for neighbors, rebuilding stairs in and out of houses. This giving of himself seems to define him. It is who he will be remembered for (Along with some humorous elements.)

What will I be remembered for?

The Dreams

I had two separate and distinct dreams last night (that I can remember).

1. I was in a mall. I was either police, a security guard, or some combination of the two and we had several military members with us. We were stationed near an entrance into the mall. There was a large crowd of religious dissidents outside getting rather rowdy.

At some point they broke through the door we were guarding and the officer in charge stood there and let the swarm overrun him. The other military person, my "partner" and I backed away behind a chained gate (much like the kind that mall shops pulled down after they close). We then closed the doors behind us. The crowd didn't attempt to push through. Once they were in they stopped and appeared to be strategizing their next move.

We went into the main concourse of the mall and found that the entire mall was surrounded by these dissidents. They were trying to push everyone towards one end of the mall, but somehow we found ourselves able to go to the other end. This store was a sporting goods store like Dick's or Gander Mountain.

We led everyone to here and began preparations for defending ourselves. We were ordered not to initiate deadly force against these dissidents, but we must protect the civilians caught in the mall.

2. I had taken a trip back to Brazil. I was there with my girlfriend and a bunch of other people. I remember forgetting my friends package at home and thinking how stupid I was for not bringing it.