I had a discussion with people whose advice I highly value. I asked questions like:
- Should a person be held accountable because of their family? If their family does something horribly wrong is it their fault too?
- How does someone change?
- Can their spouse, significant other, or romantic interest be a part of that change?
Why was this important? I needed to know if some of the bad tendencies that I noticed in her family were really causes to be alarmed about. Were they issues that should cause me to second guess a relationship with her. I did not feel that it was cause to end the relationship, but I needed/wanted confirmation.
It was confirmed that a persons family should not be held against them. If their father is in jail for raping someone it should not be held against them. They cannot be held accountable to their parents mistakes. But if they rape someone it is a major concern. It is a huge red flag and any romantic relationship should be put on hold or cut altogether.
This should cause you to be more aware of how they respond to those stressors. When disagreements or arguments arise, how do they handle them? How do they respond to their elders if they come from a dysfunctional home? They are a product of that environment. It means that they may hate the behavior and yet repeat it (as I am all too familiar with doing).
Answer #2
Why was this important? I needed to know how I can help them change. If it is such bad behavior and something I do not want in a spouse then I want to know how to change it.
It is changed ... by themselves. I have changed in the 7+ years I have lived out here. I have matured and ... wizened in that time. I also have reckless tendencies, but I control them, channel them, and use them constructively, versus giving in to them.
But it was a slow process and it took time. It was something that was working on me, through me, and in me for a while until I had an epiphany. I want to do this or operate in that manner. No one came to me and said, "You will do this now" or "You will think this way now." Talk like that sounds very hypnotic and I have yet to be hypnotized.
So a person changes because they want to. This makes sense because we, humans, do what we want to do. If we want to change we will and if we don't want to change then we won't. Four years ago I wanted to attached a woman in my masters cohort. I wanted to be a man she would be attracted to. I began working out regularly and got involved in a sports club. I changed because I wanted to.
So this person will change their behavior when they want to. It usually takes a triggering moment. Mine was wanting this woman to like me. It was my triggering moment. It ... spurred me to growth.
Answer #3
Why was this important? I desperately needed this answer because of the first two questions. I had to know if I could be a part of this change. I'm going to spoil this section, this is where my heart broke. This is where I made the hardest choice I have made in my life to date.
The short answer is, "No." No you cannot be a part of this change. The longer answer is yes, but with so many caveats, stipulations, and boxes to fill that the likelihood of a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest being a part of this is rarely possible or a good idea.
The much longer answer is that it depends on the work that needs to be done. I had a mother until I was 13, but in reality she was sick from when I was 9 or 10 to, literally the day I turned 13 (she probably should've been in the hospital that week, but wasn't). So I spent from age 9-13 in a home where my mother was sick. Both of my parents worked hard to provide for my sister and I, but it was a home where hurt and pain entered.
Then at age 13 I lost my mother. I did the only thing a 13 year old knew to do. I made a vow to myself that I would never be hurt like that again. It was a stupid promise that indeed worked very well until I realized that I am 30 years old and have let very few people into my life. So I broke that vow (or more accurately realized its foolishness) and let someone into my life.
She was an instrument of change in my life. She helped me learn to love someone again; to love them so deeply it hurts when they aren't there. I look back on my life and wonder how many people have I missed having a love this deeply. I believe in a God that feels this way about me (and truth be told he feels this way about everyone).
But my growth doesn't stop there. I missed ~9 years of watching, learning, seeing, and educating myself under parents who would model married life to me. This does not do my father justice, but I was not into drugs, smoking, sex, or unconscionable people so technically I was ok. I was not, but from the outside looking in, I was fine.
I am learning these lessons now. I need to learn how to be truly unselfish. I am incredibly giving and charitable in some areas of my life and horrendously selfish and manipulative in others. These lessons are ones I learn from having them taught to me from a mother and father.
Hidden Answer #3B - The unforeseen question
If these are lessons I learn from parents then what happens if it is a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest that becomes the teacher? I can't speak to other children (we are all children after all), but I do resent my parents. Not all the time, but some times I do. I need a break from them. I need to make mistakes and know they'll be there to help me get back up (at least healthy, responsible parents will be).
If my spouse is teaching me these lessons and they are learned from a parent, it is very likely that I will begin to see my spouse less as a spouse sharing life and experiences with me and more as a parents scolding me when I am bad, cleaning up after me, and teaching me lessons in life. I am going to rebel against them. In a marriage this rebellion takes the form of an affair.
The Penultimate or Mayhaps the Ultimate
I want to believe that I can change of my own accord, without external intervention, but the truth remains that I need some sort of stimulus, some triggering event in order for change to occur. Being told that I am selfish is not a trigger because I can point to weekends devoted to others, labor that I will never see any tangible reward from, that demonstrates I am unselfish and giving. The change I need needs to occur deep down in my heart. This change can only occur when I am broken; so that I can be remade whole again and stronger than before.
The Ultimate
And so we end where we began. These plans, 2+ years in the making are not going to happen. We will not be engaged over the winter, nor will we be married in the summer or early fall. We have spoken less than 3 minutes in the past 3 weeks where for 2+ years we would spend entire days together.
I am really struggling with this. The logic makes sense. It even has supporting evidence, but I want to say, "Damn it all, I'm different and it won't happen to me. I won't let it."
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