Thinking and other Thoughts

I stirred around 6:00 this morning and could not go back to sleep. My mind was overwhelmed by the thoughts of the previous day and of days yet to come.

I have been told that she is "confused" and "doesn't know where our relationship is going." She tells me that I am afraid of commitment and that guys (me included) have a problem with committing. I don't believe I have a problem with committing. I do have a problem with preparation, or more specifically the lack of preparation.

I have heard that as women go through pregnancy they begin to "nest." i.e. Prepare a place for their child to live, thrive, receive nourishment, and grow all in relative safety. That is not seen as abnormal. I feel I am going through a similar (though different) circumstance. I want to have aspects of my life in order before I ask her to join me on this path through life. I want to have money saved and set aside. I want to make sure I can provide for her. I want to make sure that I am providing a place of safety and growth. This is "male nesting."

I just recently saved $1000. It has taken several months and there were some setbacks when saving to that point. Now that I have that set aside I want to begin saving for an engagement ring, the wedding, honeymoon, and all the other expenses that accompany building a life with a wife. I feel like she assumes I make more or have more than I say; that I am better off than I really am.

I have very strong opinions regarding marriage and divorce. My generation and those that come after me are so quick to jump in marriage without looking at where we/they are going. Marriage is a significant milestone in life. It brings both joy and pain. What is the need to rush headlong towards it without having a plan or eliminating obstacles. Marriage is hard enough as it is that is does not need any help making it any more challenging. I want to remove as many challenges before I am married as I can.

I feel like I am pushing a massive stone up a ramp. This stone is huge and is comprised of all the problems that can occur for an individual and some that happen to a couple. When I begin to think of rings, weddings, honeymoon's, etc. this stone, at its current place will rollback over me.

What woman would want her man to take out a loan to pay for her engagement ring; or a loan for the wedding or honeymoon? Why would you want to start off married life under those burdens?

So a possible solution is to work more. I have the opportunity for overtime, but it is not consistent overtime. We have both talked about picking up part time jobs. However, there is a problem. If I pick up a part-time job I don't plan on placing many restrictions on my schedule. This means I'll be available to work every evening but Thursday night and Sunday morning. I could easily see myself working Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, then Saturday afternoon to evening and the same for Sunday. Working like that when will I have time to spend it with her? Then she is planning on working part time.

From what I gather she would work Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We would see each other for Sunday service, Thursday night after small group, and maybe one other day during the week. Her love language is quality time and we are down to spending time together twice during the week, ~8:30 to 10 on Thursdays and 7 to 10 either Monday or Tuesday. We currently spend about 5-6 evenings together now. I have been told that even that is not "quality time" and that I need to do more. How in the world can I give more quality time in 4.5 hours versus the 10-20 that we share now?

I know quantity of time does not always equal quality of time, but it does help. I do not know where this time will come from. I do not know where I will find more money. I want this relationship to succeed. I am just not feeling the love... I guess.