Where did you go, if I may ask? To look ahead. And what brought you back? Looking behind.

It is a new year, and I should be in bed. There are plenty of blessings surrounding working for an institution of higher learning. We are given an abundance of time off.

I have found myself thinking a thought twice over the past couple of days. The thought goes like this. I have been stuck. I have been stuck for so long that I have become late. I'm reminded of the scene from Big Fish where the story comes back to Spectre for the second time. Edward Bloom is either too early or too late. I feel like I am too late.

The life I am living now is something that should've happened years ago, but I was lost, stuck, and could not find my way out. It wasn't until recently (recently in my own way) that I feel I am growing and moving forward.

There is a beautiful, gorgeous woman in my life. She has an eccentric, but loving family; and my family appears to love her (so much in fact, I feel they like her more than me... I'm fine with that). I have a good job (read previous statement about blessings). I have good friends. I am better off than 90% of the rest of this world. I'm incredibly fortunate to be living the life I have and I continue to have this nagging feeling that I have wasted a good portion of it wallowing in self-imposed misery. I feel like it is only recently that I'm finally getting caught up. I 'reckon it is good that I'm a quick learner.

I hope I take to heart these lessons I've been taught. It makes me feel good to hear a friend compliment the growth they have seen in my over the past 5 years. I don't think I'll share it with them, but they have been an instrument of change in me.

What better time to look behind than at the beginning of something new.

Heart, mind, and happiness

She left this weekend. A friend has a special event and she wanted to be there with them. I saw her Friday evening, Saturday for lunch, and Sunday night. ... ...

I hear the question be asked, "what is the problem, you saw her every day this weekend." In the intermediate period between Saturday lunch and Sunday night she drove 2.5 hours away. I missed her. She missed me. My heart ached and was sad because she wasn't nearby. My mind informed me that she was only a couple hours away and you still saw her everyday this weekend.

It was a new, different feeling. I can't say that I have ever experienced anything like that before. I'm thankful for my mind otherwise I might've been some love-sick boy pining after his girl all day until she returned to me. My mind countered my heart.

Beyond that it offered some simple logic to the equation. The last time we were separated we were just beginning to date. We still communicated, but the emotional connections that had been made over the past 3 months were not as developed as they are now. We were not in love with each other at the time. We liked each other and enjoyed each others company. I can't help but chuckle at this change in me.

Happiness is a weird concept for me. Until recently (read the past couple of months) I would rarely say I was happy, though I would classify myself as content. I am realizing more and more that happiness found in people, places, or things really is fleeting. I make these observations because of my roommate.

There was a woman he was interested in. She was a nice lady; smart, intelligent, educated, and attractive. They spent a couple months getting to know each other and hanging out. He finally indicated that he was interested in her. She took her time, and I don't know the full story, but appears to not be interested in him in a like manner.

I don't say this often, but I do love and care for him. We have spent 5 years living together. He is like a brother to me. I want to see him happy. I shared some of that with him and it wasn't until I heard his response that something hit me. He spends his time, money, and energy seeking happiness in things that are fleeting. He strives to be the best employee and worker he can be and then work "laterally" moves him to another position. (He truly is a good, dependable, reliable, employee; honestly better than me.) He seeks happiness in being a good friend. He is cherishes friendships, and goes out of his way to be available to friends; but then friends hurt him, move away, or leave him by the wayside. He desires marriage and yet has been engaged and broken up twice. He attempts to find happiness is material belongings and "nice things" and yet they break, require maintenance, or rarely bring the solace he is looking for.

I saw all this, having witnessed it first hand. He strives for happiness and yet it eludes him at every destination. The platitude of "seek happiness in Jesus" feels like it would fit, but it sounds so foolish to say, and even more difficult to share. I'm not a person who could say that to him and feel like I am reaching him, being taken seriously, or even have it given serious thought.

I care for this man as though he were my brother. He has grown on me (and hopefully I have grown on him). I value his friendship and his advice. I want him to be happy. I want him to find happiness that is permanent.

She. Loves. Me.

A couple of weeks ago I made an impulsive and rash decision to tell this woman that I loved her. I'm not ashamed of that fact, though I was a little embarrassed at my recklessness. I do love her. I love many things about her (character, heart, zeal for God, to name a few). It doesn't change my feelings for her. I have stated my goals previously. I want to see her grow and to be an encouragement to her. I have simply put words to these actions that have been present since the beginning of our relationship.

We spent the weekend together. We broke bread and watched sports together. We watched movies, tv shows, attended an art fair, spent time with her family, and I took her and her sister out on a little date. As the weekend was winding down and her family had moved on, we were going to spend a little more time with just us.

We sat in the bed of my truck in her driveway. The laptop was playing Dr. Who and I whispered softly in her ear that I loved her. This wasn't new. She would always hold me tightly after I would tell her. I tried not to say it too often.

This time was different though. She looked at me, smiled, and quietly said, "I love you too." ... ...

I was shocked; I wasn't expecting her to return the phrase. I was speechless. It felt like my heart exploded out of my chest. It was physically impossible for me to smile more than I was. I wanted to shout and scream and jump for joy. I held her so tight that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I didn't want to let go. I was just so very happy.

She said that she would always say it in return to me. I think I may have told her I loved her a dozen times over the next hour just to hear her say it back to me. I may have been so flabbergasted that I may have told her that I was going to buy her a pizza.

I had a good weekend. I had a very good weekend. I believe I have a permanent smile now. I should probably get that checked out.

Roads, where we're going we don't need roads.

The busyness of the beginning of the semester has dissipated. Routines are beginning to develop and here in another week or two habits will be formed. We are working through the trials that accompany goals, work, and spending time together as a couple.

It is beginning to weigh on me that I haven't taken her out for a special date in a week or two. We have both been busy. We have definitely made time for each other, but I want to do something special for her. Where is this creative mind when I need something (yes brain I'm talking about you)?

The other day I realized just how strong and special she is. She works part time, attends school full time, is in  (arguably) the wordiest majors one could pick, and commutes to school (20 minutes there and 20 back). When she has free time she wants to spend it with me. This is a new place for me.

I am her prize, her reward for completing her work.

Untitled due to lack of a better title

My thoughts seem to be focused on the present recently. What I am doing immediately; what is currently going on in my life. Either I have been enjoying my current life or I have been a very shallow person recently.

I had an interesting thought at church the other day. The pastor was speaking about Israel and how they ran away from their calling. I'm reminded of what God originally called Israel to do; they were to be the preachers of God to the world. God called them to be pastors. They were to be a nation of pastors.

I looked at my pastor and realized that this man has no special ability. He has training; an education, but his ability to preach does not make him special. The pastor is following a plan for his life. He knows that he is called to preach and is not running away from it. The pastor becomes dear to me because of our relationship, not because he is the pastor. If we had no relationship then there would be no reason to consider him any more or less special than another person.

Israel fled from their calling. They ran so far in another direction that God eventually said, "this is not working" and tried a different method. How different would this world be had Israel embraced their calling and become the pastors of their world? If they actively went and built relationships with other nations and became dear to them?

I have made a new friend this past year. She has become very dear to me. I care for her a great deal. She feels safe and comfortable in my arms. She knows that when I am there I will protect her, care for her, and treat her with respect and love her. What would happen if an entire nation could feel that way when someone from Israel would show up (or even my country)?

The cat is out of the bag.

I said it. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should've. Eitherway, I said it.

I've been thinking about love a lot recently (I wonder why). I follow a religion that promotes love as the greatest attribute. It (this religion) has become lost in this world, but the heart, the soul, the core of this religion is love. Love for God; love for family; love of neighbor. Why is it that love for your romantic interest is so different?

I continue to love things about her. I like her a lot. I love her family. Why does saying "I love you" change the dynamic of the relationship? I would not be in a relationship with her if I didn't love her. I would not want to spend time with her if I didn't love her. Saying "I love you" won't change my actions or attitude towards her.

Maybe I'm concerned because that is the most open and vulnerable I've been with another person in my whole life. It is the ultimate opening of my heart. She was not ready to say it in return.

The good news is that I can be patient. I waited over a year to ask this woman out. I debated the pros and cons. I prayed and sought advice. I was patient. I waited to initiate physical contact with her. We had been on a couple dates before I held her hand and a few more before we cuddled together. It was even more before I held her closely.

If I want to kiss her I must be patient even longer. Oh what a weird dichotomy. Life never stops. The song says that "time keeps on slipping into the future." It goes by so fast. Children grow up before you even know it. Dates arrive before they were supposed to. This world, governed by time, moves so fast and yet patience is a virtue. We have to wait and be patient in a world that is constantly moving. The phrase, "hurry up and wait" appears to carry an increasing significance.

It is the good kind of hurt.

I love the feeling my body gets after a good workout. Not the painful, difficult to move feeling when I push myself too hard, but the feeling that I tore something up and it is rebuilding. This is a good kind of hurt.

I planned a bachelorette party this weekend. I don't believe I would ever say that, but I can safely check that off of yé bucket list. I asked what she and the rest of the bridesmaids were going to do and we tossed around a few ideas. As luck would have it I got a Groupon for Crete Family Fun Center. For $35 the group would receive Go Karts, bumper cars, miniature golf, tokens, food, and more for up to 4 people. The girls went and had a good time.

Saturday I worked, went to a rehearsal lunch, and spent 2.5+ hours eating dinner (not because we took forever to eat, but because of poor service). Sunday I went to the early service for church and then spent the day at a wedding. I ended the night peacefully enough sitting on the swing with my sweetheart. I left too late and literally crawled through the door, climbed into bed and went to sleep.

This woman is such a joy to be around. I slept in her presence last night. We had a long day. We were cuddling and she sweetly said, "close your eyes, sleep, and I will wake you up." I dozed for a few minutes; they were precious to me.

Intimacy has changed so much over the years. If I were to say we were intimate together the impression and general consensus would be that we have had sex. I can assure you we haven't and won't. (The exception to this is that if we were to marry then that would probably change.) Sex is something I want to experience, but having waited 30 years I'm certain I can continue being patient. I see sex as a part of intimacy, but only a fraction of it. Intimacy is much more than sex. My working definition includes holding, hugging, personal time together, breaking of bread (read sharing a meal together), proximity, presence, physical touch, looking into each others' eyes, or the giving of gifts. These are all forms of intimacy. It saddens me that if I were to talk to someone, even a friend, and say that we shared an intimate moment, the immediate response or conclusion would be that it was sexual.

I respect this woman, her family, and her honor too much to take advantage of her. I see her as I do my sister. I would want any man who cared for my sister to treat her with the same respect and honor. I would expect the same for a man dating my daughter and I would want her to expect more from her man. This woman is someones' daughter, granddaughter, niece, and sister. She deserves to be treated honorably. I know that how I treat her, show respect and honor to her, is a direct reflection of me as a man. What kind of man am I?

She says I am a cross between Aragorn and Sam. I bring the wisdom and patience that accompanies age and the loyalty, respect, and dependability of a choice companion and friend. She says that I am a good man; one who has always treated her with respect and honor. It is a continual process. I cannot choose to be different the next day and expect the same result. I must be consistent and choose this path. If I do not I will no longer be the man she says I am. I can care less what this world thinks of me, but I value her opinion greatly.

"You are the prefect combination of Aragon and Sam." This may be the greatest compliment I have ever received.