New and Wondrous Imaginings

I am inundated with thoughts regarding relationships recently. I believe that I am being rather impetuous. I want things to progress faster than they are and I'm beginning to feel my impatience emerge. I have this feeling that I am her first serious crush/boyfriend and, as funny as this sounds, she is mine. The only hindrance is that mine appears more awkward and concerning. I am now the ripe old age of 30 while she is a spry 21 year old. For her this is expected. She is youthful, pretty, smart, and intelligent. All aspects that are appealing to men.

I am mature, wizened, intelligent, and just entering the prime of my life. The concerning part is that I have never had a serious relationship. Should this be cause for caution? ... Is something wrong with him?

I'm scared she will "wake up" one day and realize that she can do better than me; that I am not the man for her and that she no longer wishes to walk this journey of life with me. Maybe this is the incentive men look for when pursuing a woman. That they are scared that she will decide to no longer stay with them and so they must continually seek that affirmation. It's probably what drives men to foolish behavior. I really hope I can get some of these thoughts answered at some point.

Maybe I just need to calm down and let this play out further before digging too deep into my own thoughts. I do have this tendency to over think and analyze situations.

I've tried to remain fairly religion free on here. I don't wish to alienate individuals. My religion has come out from time to time, but I strive to be open minded and nonthreatening. I have rediscovered a song from my youth. It runs through my mind. Akin to a hunter tracking its prey it is relentless. The song is, "You are so good to me."

It speaks of the goodness that happens in life. If you understand and appreciate that then thank you. If you disagree, then skip it. You won't like it.

Baby I'm Amazed By You

Queue sappy love song.

We have seen each other at least once, if only for a few minutes, a day for the past ten days. I'm amazed at how quickly someone can enter my life and become a part of it and how I feel when they are not there. I'm laughing at myself. I guess the word for this might be love-struck or maybe this is more like Red, "I guess I just miss my friend."

I'm surprised at how tied to my phone I am now. Before two weeks ago I could almost care less what happened to it. I've let it sit, shut off because I hadn't plugged it in, for entire weekends. Now I keep it on me. I treat it like a precious heirloom. It is my connection to her. My heart jumps and a smile begins to spread across my face when I see the text icon. I check it more often and keep it within reach more frequently than I ever have.

Have I really changed and altered my life for this woman? Are these underlying traits, ones that anyone could bring out of me given the right set of circumstances? I hope that what I am showing her is an authentic man. I want to be honest. It scares me that I'm opening up to someone. I have very few secrets. I will give most anyone an honest answer, and if I choose not to answer, the response is that I would prefer not to share. It's more of an ask me again later.

I have been rocking Pandora a lot recently. I love my Jason Myles Goss station. He is just so smooth. There is an artist that comes up on the station regularly enough. The artist is Tyrone Wells. He must be gaining some recognition because a friend of mine saw him in concert a couple of weeks ago. I love the song, "Sea Breeze." It is a beautifully simple song. The combination of love, water, and dreams speaks to me.

I used to keep a dream journal. I wanted to chronicle what my dreams were, at least the ones I could remember in the morning. I don't remember many of them or even acknowledge that I have been dreaming most of the time. *Queue sappy dream metaphor*  Maybe one day I'll have a dream, lived out, to share.

Quite a Kerfuffle

I caused quite the stir the other day. I'm relatively "old school" in many areas and one happens to be dating. While I know modern social conventions do not necessitate asking permission to date someone, it is something I think about. My family (father) has raised me to appreciate and understand it. I do not expect anyone else to abide by the same stipulations.

I mentioned this to my fair lady and she found it sweet and honorable. She liked it and was agreeable to the idea. If she said that it wasn't necessary I would not have pursued it any further.

There is history between her, her father, and her family. To put it mildly he has not been the father she or they needed, but somehow he has still remained in their periphery. I spoke to him for a little while yesterday evening. He seemed a little surprised that I wanted to talk to him and more so that it was about dating his daughter.

I believe he understood my position, appreciated it, and knew that I (and her) really didn't need to ask his permission, but wanted to. We are both adults and are responsible for making our own decisions. This seemed more of an avenue to introduce myself to him and open communication with a man that is important, regardless of his history, to a woman I am interested in.

The objections raised seemed to revolve around the term permission and the connotations that it accompanies. 1. Children ask permission from their parents. Employees ask permission from their employers. But adults do not need to ask permission from anyone (within reason). 2. In addition to the above there is the negative impression that asking for permission to date, court, and marry a women devalues her as an individual and is the result of a patriarchal society. This type of society is archaic and no longer relevant in this modern world. It is the old guard and those that follow it are blinded by tradition and prefer women to be kept in the roles they have been for hundreds of years. This also makes women appear as though they are a possession to be traded, bartered, and sold.


From this mindset I'm offended. I'm pissed that my sister has not been given the same advancement opportunities as her male colleagues. I'm frustrated when male gamers ridicule and demean female gamers. Unfortunately, I all too frequently fall into the male dominated mindset. I have used "you throw like a girl" too often to count. I have used feminine terms to describe weakness and insult men. I am as guilty as anyone else in promoting hate.

At some point in life I want to have sons and daughters (well maybe just one of each). I want them to succeed. While I would prefer it to be a respectable career, I want them to have every opportunity to excel. I never want to hear that my daughter cannot do something because she isn't a boy or that she was passed over for a promotion because she wasn't the correct sex.

This is getting a little long winded and preachy. Let me end with this. Those that found or took offense to what I said missed the point of my request. It was for prayer for wisdom. I was nervous. I don't do this regularly and when I do, I do it intentionally.


This was a decision we, as a couple, made. She was ok with it. I didn't manipulate or cajole her into believing the same thing as me. She felt that I was treating her with respect and honor. Her father felt the same way. When the dust settles, I have earned respect from the her and the people most relevant in her life. I have witnessed, first hand, how not making these introductions can hurt a relationship. My desire is to see this through to the end, whether that means I have found my wife or not. I can only do what I feel I am called to do regardless of what friends or family feel. While I understand the criticism, it helped me think through the issue, I would've much more appreciated the prayer.

...Five Weeks Later

It really hasn't been five weeks, but it sort of feels like it has. I am truly blessed to work for an employer who gives additional holidays to their staff. We were given Wednesday as a holiday and the "powers that be" gifted us Thursday and Friday too. This was entirely unexpected and very well received.

We are in the middle of a fairly nasty heat wave. It has been at least 100 and mildly humid for the better part of a week. I figure that work found it cheaper to pay us to stay home than to keep all the buildings working at full power.

You may be wanting some more information about this mythical "her." We have had another date or two since Sunday. I'm not sure how to classify these things. They begin as group gatherings and then we end up together, sitting, talking, and enjoying each others company. We went to see Brave with her mother and youngest sibling. I had a wonderful time. I think she had fun too.

She invited me to her family's 4th of July party. It might be a little soon to meet the family, but since I have never been in this position before I don't know any better. Plus I enjoy meeting family. Again I had a good time. She has a pool. It was a wonderful way to pass the evening. We went a little further south to watch fireworks and ended up sitting next to a farmers' field for an hour afterwards. We probably would've stayed there all evening had the proprietor of the field inform us that they were amiable to us watching fireworks there, but that it was not a "party spot."

We went back to her place and sat on the swing until after midnight.

I meet her for "breakfast" both Thursday and Friday mornings. She was working and I waited for her in the parking lot with either a mountain dew or french toast sticks. I hope she finds that sweet and not... stalkerish. I'd even settle for creepy.

We played frisbee Thursday, went back to her place and swam for a couple hours with people from frisbee. I ended up staying later then them and we stayed up watching Pride and Prejudice until 2:00 with her grandma, mother, and sister. Friday I drove her, her mother and sister up to Midway to pick up another sibling.

I have spent each evening since Tuesday with her. She probably doesn't know this, but she has me hook, line, and sinker.

...Five Hours Earlier

Postponement is rarely a desired outcome. Delaying something potentially enjoyable is never something someone looks forward to. This "huge date" planned for Sunday the 17th was interrupted by Fathers' Day. So it was delayed until the following Sunday. It was like knowing a storm was coming, preparing for it, and then finding that it pushed South, but there was another front building out West and was heading your direction.


She surprised me with the idea of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the local park. I was not expecting that, a picnic. I was given some fantastic advice by "yé oldé padré" and asked her what she wanted and stated my intention to pick up everything. ... I picked up too much and planned a meal enough for a family of 4. I didn't even bring everything I bought. I wanted to provide plenty of options.


We ate and talked. I found out about her family and shared with her some of mine. She was honest and shared some pain. She was already privy to some of mine. I discovered once again that this world is so very hard and painful; that it hurts sometimes. Yet, there are friends and family there to help ease the burden and soothe the hurts of this world.


We walked and talked and talked and walked. We threw the frisbee and talked. We sat on my tailgate and talked. I remember looking at my clock twice. Once at 3:30 and the second time at 6:00. I spent 5 hours in her company and it felt too short.


I feel like we're fencing, each other trying to figure the other party out. We are looking at weaknesses, probing, developing a strategy. I think this women actually likes me. There is a chance (slight) that I'm actually the subject of the sentence, "I met this boy today" or "I went on a date with this boy and had a good time."


And like that the feeling, "she is just a nice, good girl. She doesn't like you like that. She is just being nice and took pity on you" rises up inside me.

I made up my mind several years ago, that if I were to ever date a woman I would want her to come out of the relationship better. A better person, showing some sign of growth. I would feel like a failure if the relationship ended and there was no positive gain from it. We may part as enemies, hating, and feuding with each other, but I truly want her to have grown, learned more about herself, life, and this tragic, hard, yet wonderful world around her. The hopeful aspect of this philosophy is that it isn't mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible that she (she in the unknown, no specific person sense, not my current interest) and I could spend the rest our lives together and she will grow and experience this life, and the coolest thing about that is that I get to be a part of it. We would get to share it together.

I've always seen relationships, especially romantic ones, like a journey. Finding a spouse is a lot like finding a traveling partner. You make a conscious decision to travel through life together. It's a lot like the "Footprints in the Sand" picture except you see a third set join you and Jesus somewhere down the beach.

I haven't discovered any new musicians recently. My current favorite artist, Jason Myles Goss, released a new album recently. He will be in Chicago in July. I'm thinking about waiting till then to pick it up. There a few catchy songs that I heard through my first play through. I need to listen to it more. I thought I would try and share a song that has been going through my mind, but they would all be incredibly sappy given my current state of affairs. I'll leave you with this little gem then.

But, what if she says, "yes."

I do not believe I thought this through at all. Preparing for the worst lead me to believe that the only answer I would receive would be, "no." Apparently I under estimated my charm (or the fact that pity can turn into affection). So... kudos to me for getting on the horse. I did mention to the roommate that she's probably getting the raw end of this deal.

She did not make it easy for me. The conversation went something like this.

Me: "So what are you doing Friday?"
Her: "Working and then dog sitting immediately afterward. Then a wedding on Saturday."
Me: "Oh, ok." *thinking* "Well shoot, I don't have a plan B."
*plays more frisbee*
Me: *thinking* "I wonder if she has lunch plans on Sunday. Is that a good time for a 'date'?"
Me: "What are you doing for lunch on Sunday?
Her: "..." "..." "Nothing"
Me: "Would you like to have lunch with me on Sunday?"
Her: "Yes, I would. Where were you thinking?"
Me: "I was thinking Italian."
Her: "Oh, I'm not a fan of Italian. Any other ideas?"
Me: "Um, no. What sounds good to you?"
Her: "I'll let you know."

If you couldn't tell my plan was Friday and Italian. Sunday and something else was completely off the cuff. I will say this, historically I would have stopped after the "busy on Friday" response, but I persevered (I guess that's perseverance). I'm a little excited. I'd rather not go into more details about her and such. Not really the time or place.

This week has been rough. I have schoolwork looming over my head. I had my heart crushed by the events that happened to a dear friend of mine. Work is busy and draining. But, I get to play board games with friends this evening and church plus a date on Sunday. It is a week of extremes.

In my guy mind

I am a guy and a troubleshooter. I spend my days being given problems to solve, devising solutions for them, and then teaching or instructing people on how to implement them. I see these instances like a puzzle. I spend the early part figuring out the big picture, the core work puts the pieces together, and I end up with a completed puzzle at the end.

I enjoy economics for the same reason. It is a giant puzzle; pieces go in, and the end result is the economy. This is how I see this world. There is order and logic. It fascinates me, challenges me, and keeps me entertained.

When problems arise in my personal life I tend to approach them with this same mindset. The idea being that there is a path and that path leads to the answer or solution. This works well enough for me personally and professionally, but it begins to fall apart when I begin to interact personally with others. I see their problems and approach it as I would for myself.

The first problem arises when I try and get the big picture. It simply isn't possible. Many times the "big picture" doesn't exist, nor can it. Sometimes there isn't going to be a picture to work from; it is shaped as life carries on. The second problem follows people. I do not know or understand people well enough to even grasp all the intricacies that are involved in working with them. Lastly, my process is cold, logical, calculating. It removes most of the warmth and personality that is a requirement to working with others.

I say all this because my heart aches for my friends. I want there to be something I can do or say that will help them through this time of grieving. Unfortunately there isn't. People try, but words such as, "you'll see her again in heaven" or "God has a plan" are but platitudes meant to help, but rarely do.

I remember my mother passing away. I remember kissing her on the forehead as she lay motionless in her hospital room. She had already passed. Friends would say, "she was in a better place" or "that her suffering was over now" or even "that she 'fought the good fight.'" I know they meant well, but it did not make any difference to me. My pain was real, it was present. It was happening right before their eyes and there were no words anyone could offer that would help ease my sorrow.

I wanted to rage, scream, hit, fight, claw at anything and anyone who got in my way; anyone who told me it would be alright. It wasn't alright and they had no idea what they were talking about. I got angry, so very angry; and for such a long time. It has only been within the past couple years that I've finally been able to find my heart again.

I'm reminded of the story of Job. I always found it interesting that when his world came crashing down around him and there was nothing more for him to lose he sat down and wept. His friends came to him and rather than talk or offer comfort, advice, or their condolences, they sat, torn their clothes and mourned with him.

I imagine the scene like this. A man who has lost everything is sitting in the middle of a field. It is nearing the hottest part of the day and the discomfort and blistering heat of the sun is somehow justified, even warranted, because it helps he who lived identify with those who have just passed. He has torn his clothes, and sits. There is the occasional muffled cry and sniffing. His friends, having heard about his suffering, approach him. Rather than offer words and break the silence, they tear their clothes and sit near him and begin crying with him. They sat in silence with him for minutes, hours, carrying on into days. It wasn't until he, Job, spoke that they finally said something to him.

That is the story of grieving. That is the support of friends. No words, simply shared sorrow.