The cat is out of the bag.

I said it. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should've. Eitherway, I said it.

I've been thinking about love a lot recently (I wonder why). I follow a religion that promotes love as the greatest attribute. It (this religion) has become lost in this world, but the heart, the soul, the core of this religion is love. Love for God; love for family; love of neighbor. Why is it that love for your romantic interest is so different?

I continue to love things about her. I like her a lot. I love her family. Why does saying "I love you" change the dynamic of the relationship? I would not be in a relationship with her if I didn't love her. I would not want to spend time with her if I didn't love her. Saying "I love you" won't change my actions or attitude towards her.

Maybe I'm concerned because that is the most open and vulnerable I've been with another person in my whole life. It is the ultimate opening of my heart. She was not ready to say it in return.

The good news is that I can be patient. I waited over a year to ask this woman out. I debated the pros and cons. I prayed and sought advice. I was patient. I waited to initiate physical contact with her. We had been on a couple dates before I held her hand and a few more before we cuddled together. It was even more before I held her closely.

If I want to kiss her I must be patient even longer. Oh what a weird dichotomy. Life never stops. The song says that "time keeps on slipping into the future." It goes by so fast. Children grow up before you even know it. Dates arrive before they were supposed to. This world, governed by time, moves so fast and yet patience is a virtue. We have to wait and be patient in a world that is constantly moving. The phrase, "hurry up and wait" appears to carry an increasing significance.

It is the good kind of hurt.

I love the feeling my body gets after a good workout. Not the painful, difficult to move feeling when I push myself too hard, but the feeling that I tore something up and it is rebuilding. This is a good kind of hurt.

I planned a bachelorette party this weekend. I don't believe I would ever say that, but I can safely check that off of yé bucket list. I asked what she and the rest of the bridesmaids were going to do and we tossed around a few ideas. As luck would have it I got a Groupon for Crete Family Fun Center. For $35 the group would receive Go Karts, bumper cars, miniature golf, tokens, food, and more for up to 4 people. The girls went and had a good time.

Saturday I worked, went to a rehearsal lunch, and spent 2.5+ hours eating dinner (not because we took forever to eat, but because of poor service). Sunday I went to the early service for church and then spent the day at a wedding. I ended the night peacefully enough sitting on the swing with my sweetheart. I left too late and literally crawled through the door, climbed into bed and went to sleep.

This woman is such a joy to be around. I slept in her presence last night. We had a long day. We were cuddling and she sweetly said, "close your eyes, sleep, and I will wake you up." I dozed for a few minutes; they were precious to me.

Intimacy has changed so much over the years. If I were to say we were intimate together the impression and general consensus would be that we have had sex. I can assure you we haven't and won't. (The exception to this is that if we were to marry then that would probably change.) Sex is something I want to experience, but having waited 30 years I'm certain I can continue being patient. I see sex as a part of intimacy, but only a fraction of it. Intimacy is much more than sex. My working definition includes holding, hugging, personal time together, breaking of bread (read sharing a meal together), proximity, presence, physical touch, looking into each others' eyes, or the giving of gifts. These are all forms of intimacy. It saddens me that if I were to talk to someone, even a friend, and say that we shared an intimate moment, the immediate response or conclusion would be that it was sexual.

I respect this woman, her family, and her honor too much to take advantage of her. I see her as I do my sister. I would want any man who cared for my sister to treat her with the same respect and honor. I would expect the same for a man dating my daughter and I would want her to expect more from her man. This woman is someones' daughter, granddaughter, niece, and sister. She deserves to be treated honorably. I know that how I treat her, show respect and honor to her, is a direct reflection of me as a man. What kind of man am I?

She says I am a cross between Aragorn and Sam. I bring the wisdom and patience that accompanies age and the loyalty, respect, and dependability of a choice companion and friend. She says that I am a good man; one who has always treated her with respect and honor. It is a continual process. I cannot choose to be different the next day and expect the same result. I must be consistent and choose this path. If I do not I will no longer be the man she says I am. I can care less what this world thinks of me, but I value her opinion greatly.

"You are the prefect combination of Aragon and Sam." This may be the greatest compliment I have ever received.

I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.

She loves spending time with me. I love spending time with her. I can't quite get enough of this woman. I feel like I'm drinking water and always thirsty for more. How this woman is able to be around me, consistently for any period of time, is completely unfathomable to me. My family loves me, but they get tired after a time. My friends enjoy being around me, but they too need a break from me. This woman and I have seen each other, talked, or texted everyday since our first date. We are going on weeks in a row of seeing each other and spending time together.

We spend time together, just us. We hold each other and talk while sitting on a swing in the back yard. We go swimming with her siblings. We go out to hear live music and line dancing with her grandparents. We attend outdoor concerts and plays.

She asked me what my favorite date has been. I cheated. I love spending time with her so much that my favorite dates are the ones where she is present. I love throwing a frisbee with her. I love walking with her. I love breaking bread with her (i.e. sharing a meal with her). I love holding her. I love talking with her. I love holding her hand. That is my favorite date. I love looking into her eyes. I love capturing her glance. I love being in her presence. That is my favorite date. I love playing with her hair. I love her smell. I love riding the Ferris wheel with her. That is my favorite date. I love going to shows and concerts with her. I love when she holds me tightly. I love when she smiles and laughs. That is my favorite date. I love sitting with her. I love listening to nature with her. I love watching the clouds and night sky with her. That is my favorite date. Yes I cheated.

I have said as much to her. And every time I say it I can't help but feel that God is saying the same thing to me. He loves spending time with me. He loves being in my presence. He loves me. I have not said that to her yet. I have wanted to. The words have been on my lips, but I have not said them. Oddly enough they have been in my eyes from the very beginning.

Since our first date I have looked into her eyes. They change color based upon my proximity. At close range there is a ring of fire around the pupil and the color is amber. As I move away they become green and eventually brown. They are hazel which allows for the change. Every so often I'll ask her what my eyes are saying. She gets a little timid and looks away. I know what they are saying. She knows what they are saying, but we're both a little too shy to admit the truth.

Yes I like this woman. In fact I love this woman. I've prayed that God would hold my heart because I am all to ready to give it to her.

Dating a family

I have always held the belief that families are important to a relationship. In all of the women I have pursued (and there aren't many) I have always attempted to build relationships with their families too. My girl finds that aspect of me very attractive. Her family is important to her. If I didn't like her family or they did not like me then it would be a cause for concern in the relationship.

I suspect this is not a popular mindset. What factor should a family play in the relationship between two individuals? They are both adults and can make their own decisions. It does not rest with the family. If the couple loves each other then what their families think should be of little to no importance.

I may not have had in-laws nearby growing up, but that does not mean family isn't important to me. I have witnessed first-hand the problems that arise when a family is torn due to a couple ignoring parents, siblings, and the like. It is painful to witness, let alone be a party to the situation.

I understand the desire to chart ones own path through life, but I feel that independence has been pushed to such an extreme that advice, counsel, and community is no longer seen to carry much, if any, weight. I can understand why that belief is prevalent. I know that the divorce rate is reaching 50% for first time marriages. Why would someone feel that a family could bring anything of value to a relationship when they may have no idea how to successfully endure one.

There are exceptions to this. I have the example of a family who lost a parent and saw the remaining one wither for six years until another remarkable partner appeared. One marriage of 16 years and now one for over 13 years. I can think of no one better suited to provide advice than someone who is happily married twice for over 13 years with no signs of stopping. I know it would be 33 years had the tragedy of life not interfered. This is why I hold out hope that families are important to a lasting relationship. Mine has been instrumental in two and I feel that both of ours will be for another one.

I miss your fragrance, sometimes I miss it so much that I can clearly smell you in the air.

I did not have allergies growing up. I was allergic to things, but never animals or nature. Sometime during college I began to get dry eyes, sore throats, and stuff noses. I somehow became allergic to this world. I have functionally lived like this for years. I should probably have this checked out. This should give you some idea of my olfactory status. I can still smell, but it must be very close and quickly passes.

It surprises me that one of the first lingering aspects of another human is their smell. It stays with you. It becomes a sign of their presence and you miss it when it is gone. I remember stories of spouses who have lost "their better half" and their smell is the last vestige of their presence. They keep their clothes because it carries their scent. They refuse to wash bedding because it smells like them. The very real feeling exists that if they are able to keep that smell then their partner is never really gone.

Like memories, smells begin to fade after a while and they are eventually replaced with new scents. But sometimes a smell is carried on the breeze and for a brief moment you are reminded on them.

I love how this woman smells. It is sweet and unique to her. She has gone swimming and her smell remains. I hold her close, close my eyes, and enjoy her perfume. It lingers in my truck after she is gone. I smell something on the air and believe her to be nearby. "Sometimes I miss it so much I can clearly smell it in the air." And the funny part of this story is that this feeling works both ways. She loves the way I smell. It lingers well after I have left. It brings comfort while she sleeps, hope to see me again, and joy when I am present.

I love how she smells. She loves how I smell.

The Plague

I acquired a summer flu like people acquire bad habits or a missing limb; they do not want it, but it happens. I live with a perpetual raw throat. I have chalked it up to allergies. It took a turn for the worse when I spent two evenings with a wonderful woman outside. These late summer nights have been beautiful; cool with a breeze. The combination seemed to have been good for something else too.

I have been convalescing for the past two and a half days. She visited me each evening. She brought comfort, Kleenex's, and juice. She has been wonderful; like an angel bringing encouragement and strength to the weary.

We are progressing steadily towards two months together. We have spent a good deal of time together, so much so, that it feels much longer than the less than two months it actually has been. I am perfectly content holding her, looking into her eyes, or simply being in her presence listening to the sounds of nature.

I had put together some thoughts regarding woman and what I was looking for in them. There were only a handful of characteristics that I was interested in. I feel rather vain in listing them because few of them were inner qualities that are truly valuable.

I want to marry someone who has brothers and sisters; a large family. I wasn't denied this attribute as I grew up with many friends and was adopted into their family as a son. I saw my friends siblings as my own, but it was something I was interested in. She is sociable, able to navigate within family structures and gets along with a variety of people. Children of large families are also fairly accommodating of different personalities. This leads to someone who is fun to be around, creative, and happy with simple things.

I wanted her to be a cute or attractive crier. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but I wanted her to cry and still be attractive to me. Crying is often associated with weakness, but that is not always the case. There is a heart aspect to this that I hadn't considered before. I feel that it indicates someone with a heart. They show empathy with others and situations and they understand hurt, pain, and joy in this world. I find this attractive in a person as it means they are human and share their humanity with others.

I wanted her to sing. I love singing. I love listening to people sing. I love the idea of hearing a song or music and thinking of her. I love hearing it from another room and I love singing along. Singing carries with it beauty, the ability to make something from nothing, but, at least for me, there a subtle vulnerability. Do I sing well? Do they like it? I have a very limited range and only a handful of songs I feel comfortable singing and I tend to sing them a certain way.

I want her to be educated. I want someone who will be a peer to me. She must be able to challenge me both spiritually and academically. She must have a "good head on her shoulders." This doesn't mean she must have a college degree or pursue an advanced degree. Wisdom can take many forms. I know people who are brilliant academically and inept worldly and vice-versa. Both of my parents were educated and it has been something they encouraged me to pursue from a very young age.

I guess I'm less ashamed of these than I was at the beginning. Expanding upon them gives them more substance and a better appeal. The ability to accept and live with others, the ability to empathize and find joy with others, the ability to share it with others, and all done in an intelligent manner are all incredibly attractive qualities to me.

She is one of six children and has four or five aunts and uncles with lots of cousins (a large family). She gets emotionally involved in books, movies, and touching stories (she cries). She loves performing and constantly has a song on her heart (she loves to sing). She will graduate this coming May and wants to pursue an advanced degree or two (is educated). She meets these four attributes and I am very much attracted to her.

* - The inevitable post script. There was one last attribute that I neglected to mention previously. I have grown up in a religious household. It is something that is important to me. I don't like the "beat you over the head with the Bible" mindset, though I do believe in a good deal of it. (A side note, I would much rather build a relationship with someone and allow for avenues of discussion than have no relationship and attempt to "prove my viewpoint right.") If religion were not a part of her life I would more than likely not be interested in her. It isn't a bad thing, just merely a passing interest.

She has a passion for God that is contagious. I'm of the mindset that God desires a relationship with you and he will do almost anything to be with you. He has used the relationship I have with this woman to get to know me again. This isn't the first time it has worked this way and though I am hoping it will be the last. :)