Shaming

Shame carries a considerable amount of weight with it. I live with shame. It feels like the drip of water on stone. Eventually the stone wears down under the constant drip of water. Like all people I desire to keep my shame hidden. I take great strides in making sure others never find out about it.

This world works very hard to claim that sexual desires are good and wholesome. They even temper it with the phrase that, "it is good in the proper context." (Read: when two people love each other very much.) They (Read: The world) goes out of their way to justify these actions (because heaven forbid they are deemed "intolerant").The world even goes so far as to say that it is alright if you gratify yourself as long as you are not affecting others. This is part of my shame.

This life teaches you that in order to be attractive, lovely, beautiful, and handsome you must have a certain image. This takes the form of body type, physical activity, appearance. Any deviation from this attracts ridicule and shames the person because they do not match this ideal. This is part of my shame.

The ability to be successful is core and central to "the good life." The accumulation of wealth, proper management of finances, the ability to have are all this are signs of success. The lack of these demonstrates stupidity, foolishness, and ineptitude. This is part of my shame.

Recently I have been struggling financially. I took out loans for my graduate school education to cover a fee. I thought I took out more than I did and when I received the extra back I assumed that the fee had been removed. It was not and I find myself required to pay back both the loan and the fee. How stupid am I?

I was introduced to a families shame the other day. I am still at a loss for how to respond to it. It frustrates me. It angers me. I want to fight against it, but I am one man. They are legion (my sense of humor meaning they outnumber me).

I am ashamed of those three items above. I cannot make an excuse for them. They are bad. They do not help me grow. I am worse off with them than I am without them. Each one has their fingers so entwined in me that I fear I will never be rid of them without external assistance. I "blush" (read: Jeremiah 3:3) because the thought of someone finding out that I do not actively keep them at bay causes me distress.

I watched this family have no shame for the way they live. I see the third paragraph of the poem "The Song for A Fifth Child" knitted into a plaque and praised. I see children selfishly demand. I see parents acquiesce. All this to the inverted, upside-down glory of this house and family.

I don't hate them. In fact it is the farthest thing from hate. I love this family so much that I want to see them happy, healthy, and safe; in an environment that fosters love, growth, and godliness. I am deeply saddened. I hurt for them and they don't even realize they are in pain. I feel like I'm watching the Monty Python "Black Knight" sketch only in real life with dire consequences. Their arm has fallen off and they call me a liar. Their legs have been lopped off they call it a scratch.

I have immediately and suddenly found myself grateful for my father and the life that he provided to my sister and I. For 5 years he was a single parent, managing a large house, being both mother and father. I have no idea how he managed. He somehow taught proper habits, instilled correct hygiene, and a gave us a healthy respect for others. I don't believe I took those traits for granted, but I certainly did not appreciate them as much as I did yesterday.

And so the plot thickens

Somehow, in the grand scheme of life, things happen. You never really know how or why, but they do. I found out the other day that I owe additional money for my education. I received a "free" masters degree, but there were "incidentals." My thought process at the time.

I do not have the money laying around. I took out a loan for more than the cost figuring that it would help me with some other expenses. When I was in undergrad I took out loans too. All of my school related expenses were deducted and any extra was given to me. I assumed that this was how this operated. Mistake.

It has been over a year since those funds were all disbursed. I have since spent them all on various and assorted sundries. And like I was 3 years ago I do not have the money sitting around waiting to be spent.

I'm disappointed this wasn't resolved beforehand. I operated under an improper understanding of how this system works. And the biggest frustration... is with myself.

I constantly feel defeated because of my inability to properly manage finances. I am saddened that once again I owe money and have no means by which I can make a payment. I was beginning to feel that I was making progress only to have something like this creep up and hit me. The consolation, I can have the whole thing fixed/corrected in less than 6 months. The problem, they have given me 15 days to pay them in any way possible.

Girl you are so groovy (borrowed from Penny Arcade)

The messages at church have revolved around marriage for the past couple of weeks. Since marriage is something that has grown on me and I am warming up to these messages hold a special interest for me.

On Mother's Day the message was about friendship. The premise was that your spouse is a good friend. In fact, they are one of your best friends. You enjoy doing things together. You pal around together. You go and do things that one party enjoys and they other goes along because they are a friend. One of the core aspects of a marriage is the ability to be friends.

It made sense to me that this woman I have been dating is indeed a good friend of mine. She is one of my best friends. I enjoy palling around with her. I enjoy doing things with her, not because I enjoy them, but because she does and I am there as a friend. If I were to remove the romantic aspect of our relationship I would be a her friend and she would be mine.

I am very thankful our relationship. I am aware that it is an immense blessing. I love this woman and I am so very thankful that we are friends.

Time keeps on slipping, into the future

I am enamored with time at the moment. I want more time. I need more time. I want it to stop for everyone but me. I want to control it; to spend it with the people whom I care immensely for.

We did a funny thing when we first started dating. We'd ask each other random, fun questions. One of these questions was, "what super power would I want?" I told her I wanted the ability to control time. In my 30+ years of living there are many times I would want to change small, somewhat insignificant aspects of my life. I don't want to go back in time and cure my mothers' cancer, but I would want to go back and tell her I loved her one last time.

I wouldn't want to say, "do this or do that" to myself, but I would want to make sure that I remember those times I lived. And that is all the past.

My future looks very promising, but I'd want to slow down time with her; to make it last.

My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago. I was the only representative from my mothers' side of the family. Neither my father, nor my sister were able to attend the memorial and internment.

He was a large fellow. I remember he came to visit a couple times when I was growing up and would stay in my room because my box spring and mattress was on the floor. He wouldn't always bath often or properly due to his size. He lived larger than life. He didn't take crap from the world and typically that was what he gave back to it. That is my memory of the man. That is the impression he left on me as I grew up.

A couple of years ago he came up to his mothers' 90th birthday party. He had health issues and lost a considerable amount of weight. He was still tall, but thinner (not the good kind of thin). I saw him interact with my cousins and me and he would call me a, "dumb-ass" if the situation warranted it. He picked on us boys, but the moment my sister entered the room he would immediately take notice of her and on one hand call us fools and the other be the most respectful and polite individual one could imagine.

See he loved my birth mother. My sister is similar to her in many respects. I found it interesting to see the change come over him and the power a woman can have on a "rough and tumble" man. As we left the party I hugged him and told him I loved him. He didn't know what to make of it. I don't think he's ever been told that by his son or nephews. He stammered something out that I don't remember. My sister did the same, but it was different.

At his memorial service many people spoke about him. The overwhelming comment was he was a good, dependable, giving friend. He offered of himself anything that was at his disposal. Stories of fixing swing sets for neighbors, rebuilding stairs in and out of houses. This giving of himself seems to define him. It is who he will be remembered for (Along with some humorous elements.)

What will I be remembered for?

The Dreams

I had two separate and distinct dreams last night (that I can remember).

1. I was in a mall. I was either police, a security guard, or some combination of the two and we had several military members with us. We were stationed near an entrance into the mall. There was a large crowd of religious dissidents outside getting rather rowdy.

At some point they broke through the door we were guarding and the officer in charge stood there and let the swarm overrun him. The other military person, my "partner" and I backed away behind a chained gate (much like the kind that mall shops pulled down after they close). We then closed the doors behind us. The crowd didn't attempt to push through. Once they were in they stopped and appeared to be strategizing their next move.

We went into the main concourse of the mall and found that the entire mall was surrounded by these dissidents. They were trying to push everyone towards one end of the mall, but somehow we found ourselves able to go to the other end. This store was a sporting goods store like Dick's or Gander Mountain.

We led everyone to here and began preparations for defending ourselves. We were ordered not to initiate deadly force against these dissidents, but we must protect the civilians caught in the mall.

2. I had taken a trip back to Brazil. I was there with my girlfriend and a bunch of other people. I remember forgetting my friends package at home and thinking how stupid I was for not bringing it.

A Disagreement

We had our first fight a couple of weeks ago. It was over something stupid. I got a hankering for peanut chicken. We have a Noodles & Company in town. They have an item called "Indonesian Peanut Sauté." I love this meal. It is the closest to the Thai peanut chicken that I can get in the area. After church that evening I said that I had a place in mind and we set off for N&C.

She is not much of a vegetable fan and nothing on the menu appealed to her. She was willing to stay and let me have my meal and then we could pick something up for her afterwards. I did not like that idea. I wanted to eat with her. So I wanted to leave and go to a place where we both could enjoy something. She wanted to stay to appease me. I wanted to go to appease her. There was a stalemate. Eventually she conceded.

It wasn't until we got home that I was able to accurately describe why I wanted to find something we both could enjoy. I wanted to eat with her; share a meal with her. I didn't want to eat "alone" and then have her eat "alone." Most importantly, I didn't want to put my wants over hers. I do not want to be a man who puts himself and his desires over hers (or others for that matter). It is a continual fight within me.

I shared that with her. I told her that I don't want to be a man who puts himself, his wants, his desires first. I would rather share a meal with her at place we both enjoy than to eat "alone." The food would not taste as good. I would not enjoy the meal. The company would not be as sweet.

Our fight ended almost as quickly as it started. We both knew how silly and inconsequential it was. Fighting over where to go to dinner. Man ... First-World-Problems.

Honor

I feel like I had my honor challenged this weekend. The events went something like this.

I have been sick for the better part of the past week. This carried on into the weekend. This beautiful woman came over and kept me company Friday night and left very late. She had a very rough day despite the fact that it was a break from school for her. We talked, watched a movie, and talked some more.

She returned Saturday afternoon and spent the day with me. She worked on schoolwork. We ordered out for dinner and ended the evening with watching a movie. She left before that evening, but not near as late compared to the night before.

She mentioned that she would be going to the early service for church. I asked if I may accompany her and she was agreeable to that and offered to pick me up. She was in-front of my place for less than 2 minutes and moving constantly almost the whole time. I fixed lunch and we finished just before noon. I laid down to take a nap and she worked on schoolwork.

I awoke to a text message from a friend seriously concerned about the impression that we were giving. According to them it appeared that she had spent the night because her car was there when they went to bed and it was there when they woke up. Combine that with the comments from one of their guests who was acquainted with both of us and their concerns were raised.

I didn't know exactly how to respond to them. I understand the position they are in and their concern for me. But this is a person I have had the opportunity to know very well for almost 6 years. I consider them a very good friend. To hear that their guest made these observations and they did not respond by defending my honor (and or reputation) hurt.

This thought carries over to the community I live in. My "neighbors" are all coworkers of the institution I work at. My friends' observations made me imagine these other individuals seeing a similar pattern. The "plot" thickens because this community adheres to tradition morals. This whole thing screams of gossip to me. I don't fault my friend and I don't fault their guest, but what I would fault is these other neighbors.

The Christian religion has given and example of what to do in instances where a persons' living is not congruent with their morals (not an individuals', but the religions). You go and talk to them in wisdom and openness. If the situation does not change then you proceed in a group of peers, ending with authorities placed over them.

The problem was that my friend didn't just approach me with an interest in understanding, but jumped to me being fired and her being suspended or expelled. It was warnings and consequences. And they are right. The community I live in would jump immediately to suspending me pending an investigation. My girl would be suspended pending an investigation. With each of us awaiting the results of the investigation. Not because anything inappropriate would've happened, but because my neighbors didn't bother to come to me (or her) and choose to bring this to Human Resources.

Now HR is intended to resolve issues and develop an understanding. I trust them, but why all the undue drama when simple communication with me would've resolved everything. It is issues such as this that raise my blood levels and then my mind gets "smart." I begin to get snippy, sharp, and barbed in my responses. This gets me into trouble.

This is a very long winded way of saying that my honor has been challenged. My friend knows me and knows who I am. The behavior they are suggesting (though they state that it is not true/accurate, but that I have been giving the impression) is something that I have never shown in the past.

Their observations do not take into account:
1. I have been sick for almost a week and was purposely spending the weekend recovering (i.e. not traveling or going anywhere).
2. She has spent the night at my place once, that there were extenuating circumstances.

• Her father was involved in a serious car accident. He was facing life threatening injuries.
• She was not alone. She had a friend visiting from out of town, her sister, and her brother all stayed too. Each group had their own room.
• Her mother and grandparents were driving up to Chicago to be with her father who was airlifted up there. There were going to be no other adults around and families have a tendency to "circle the wagons" in instances like this (speaking from personal experience).
• I was the only other person who came to the hospital at 2:00 in the morning and stayed until 5:00 with them.
• I lived nearby.
• I offered security, stability, and comfort to a family in need.
• I would have offered my home to them even if we weren't dating.
• I even e-mailed the individuals I knew in the community and explained the reason to them and both of them stated that didn't even notice it.
• There are more aspects, but that should be enough to clarify that it was nothing less than honorable and above reproach.

3. She left before midnight. It is possible for students to be at the library till midnight on Saturday. She left well before midnight.
4. The early service is at 8:30 in the morning. If she was picking me up then of course she is going to be there early. We took her car. I was walking out of the door as she was turning around. She was there for less than 2 minutes (honestly closer to 30 seconds). We didn't get back until 10:30.
5. If you went to bed before 11:30 and woke up after 10:30 then it certainly does look like she spent the night because YOU missed 11 hours worth of time that went by when you weren't observing my place.

And this is enough to have my honor challenged; to potentially sully her reputation. Yes I am upset by this. She has grandparents how vouch that she has come home every evening since we started dating. We have had a couple late nights were I have stayed at her place till 3 in the morning and one evening where she stayed until 4. Those happened over the summer during our first month or two of dating.

I have a relationship with her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and siblings. She is the oldest of the grandchildren. I have such an immense responsibility to set an example for her brothers and sisters on how a man treats a woman and how a woman should expect a man to treat her. I must answer to all of them, to my parents, to her, and lastly to myself on how I treat her. I am not about to throw that all away for the convenience of her spending the night.

And the problem, the problem is that this Christian community is more apt to spread rumor and gossip, malign a persons name, revel in their dishonor, and sully someone's name than to give them the benefit of the doubt. We live in a land where you are innocent in words only, but everyone knows you are really guilty until every bit of evidence is finally found to make you guilty. And you don't find out first hand from the individuals' with the initial concerns. You find out when you're called to your supervisor, director, or HR to discuss these issues.

I can easily see why people hate Christians. Honestly, I'm not very fond of them at the moment either.

Heart and Soul

I've been working through the idea of a heart and soul in my mind recently. No not that one... or even that one. The physical heart and the intangible soul. I was reading something either from a friend or from a devotional site describing the human condition as vessels holding a soul.

I imagined that my soul existed before time, outside of time, and at some point a container was shaped and fashioned for it. Then my soul entered time and I was born. The thought progressed further that if I have a soul then my parents have a soul, my siblings have souls, and my friends have souls. This would make my soul very dear to my parents and likewise, their souls very dear to mine.

I then imagined that our souls knew each other before we entered time and that there was a special bond formed between us. The relationship we share in this existence was established before time. They were dear to me before I came into being and they will be dear to me after I cease to be.

This thought process reaches its next level of progression when I think of this woman. I love her. I care about her. She is very dear to me. But it is more than this, I really love her soul. Her warmth, her caring, her brilliance are all attributes that I cherish from her. My mind is drawn to the idea that our souls knew each other before we ever entered this world. That she was dear to me before time, she is dear to me now, and she will be dear to me after we move on. It is such a weird, unusual, and awesome thought to think that is true.

Where did you go, if I may ask? To look ahead. And what brought you back? Looking behind.

It is a new year, and I should be in bed. There are plenty of blessings surrounding working for an institution of higher learning. We are given an abundance of time off.

I have found myself thinking a thought twice over the past couple of days. The thought goes like this. I have been stuck. I have been stuck for so long that I have become late. I'm reminded of the scene from Big Fish where the story comes back to Spectre for the second time. Edward Bloom is either too early or too late. I feel like I am too late.

The life I am living now is something that should've happened years ago, but I was lost, stuck, and could not find my way out. It wasn't until recently (recently in my own way) that I feel I am growing and moving forward.

There is a beautiful, gorgeous woman in my life. She has an eccentric, but loving family; and my family appears to love her (so much in fact, I feel they like her more than me... I'm fine with that). I have a good job (read previous statement about blessings). I have good friends. I am better off than 90% of the rest of this world. I'm incredibly fortunate to be living the life I have and I continue to have this nagging feeling that I have wasted a good portion of it wallowing in self-imposed misery. I feel like it is only recently that I'm finally getting caught up. I 'reckon it is good that I'm a quick learner.

I hope I take to heart these lessons I've been taught. It makes me feel good to hear a friend compliment the growth they have seen in my over the past 5 years. I don't think I'll share it with them, but they have been an instrument of change in me.

What better time to look behind than at the beginning of something new.