There and Back Again

I went to church for the first time in a year a week ago (and managed to get my butt out of bed to go this past week too; woot for two times in a row). The speaker was a former football player and talked about trust. How we trust in God and have that assurance that He will be there for us, keep us safe, etc.

He used a story from his life. He was on his way to his first day of work as a chaplain for a football team. This was a team he idolized growing up. He had his son with him and on his way in he noticed that his gas was pretty low. He had enough to get there but would need to stop on the way home otherwise he wouldn't make it.

Being nervous, excited, and running a little late he put off getting gas for the return trip and it wasn't until he hit a stretch of construction that he noticed the gas light turn on. It was this piece of highway that also told him that there would be no exits for the next 10 miles. As he put everything together he started to panic. And it was about this time when he heard this sound coming the passenger seat. He became aggravated that his son could be so involved with his own business and cares to not notice the situation in front of them. He was about to lash out at his son when he heard someone speaking to him (for those who don't understand this, it would be that little voice in the back of your head, some call it God and/or a conscience). It said that his son trusted his father to get him from point A to B safely and without problems. His son trusted his father, did he trust his Father?

This example resonated with me. Occasionally I find myself traveling with a friend (specifically a woman in this instance). I am comforted to know that they trust me and feel safe in my presence that they can sleep; knowing that I will deliver them to our destination without incident.

More-so this thought carries over to when I get married and I am traveling with my wife. It is a feeling/situation that I am excited and anxious to experience; to travel with my wife, see her sleeping as we travel down the road, and know that she trusts me to get us to where we need to be. (I guess this could all be metaphorical too but for right now I'll mean it a little more literal.)

I meet her on a mission trip back when I was in high school. I'm not really sure how our friendship developed. Regardless of how that happened I can honestly say that through her I have meet several wonderful friends and have had the opportunity to be a part of her life. I have been so blessed to know her and love spending time with her and her husband.

I was in college still when I began to "hang out" with her a lot. I was introduced to Jars of Clay in High School (they were the 2nd CD I bought) and really started to enjoy them in college. I bought "If I Left the Zoo" and it came with an EP called "The White Elephant Sessions." While the majority of songs were different versions of songs from their release album there were a few songs that didn't make the cut. One of those songs was "Fly Farther." Again a slow, melancholy song.

I imagine the song being sung at the end of someone's life. They are remembering all that has transpired in their life, their loved ones, spouse, family, and seeing how far they came from where they started.

I haven't listened to this song for years (at least until today when I let it play in the background as I typed). I still remember buying the CD (or burning it) and leaving it for her as a birthday/Christmas present.

Here There Be Dragons

I dreamt about her lastnight. We were like two ships passing each other in the fog. I was walking out, she was walking in. I don't think she noticed me. I tried to pretend I hadn't noticed her, while all too overtly casting a longing glance towards her.

I haven't decided on a song for her yet. There are so many that have come to me recently that I have been unable to discern which one I associated with her. So I will bore you with the tale of another person.

I have only known her for a couple of years. I thought she was cute and we shared similar interests for a period of time. I even bucked up the courage to ask her out once... or twice. The performance was fast approaching (read the next day) and I asked if she would like to go with me. She had made plans to attend with others. Ready to commit to this pursuit, I saw her that evening and asked if she had dinner yet. She did have dinner and was intending to spend the rest of the evening with friends.

I consider this asking her out one and a half times. Word eventually came back to me through a third-party that she knew I was interested in her, but she was not interested in me. (I believe the statement was "this guy won't stop asking me out.")

I had just started listening to Counting Crows again and the flatmate introduced me to "Hard Candy." This is a fantastic CD. There were many songs that really stuck out to me but one I could not shake from my mind. Good Times just had this smooth groove that resonated with me. The tune, lyrics, and sound all probably contributed to me enjoying the song. It might have a lot to do with him mentioning something about redhead girls too. I can't really be sure.

I still love the song. It's become a "favorite." (Favorite here is a very lose term as there are usually 2-3 songs from each CD I own that are my favorites. Combine those favorites with favorites from a couple hundred CD's and you realize that I can easily have a couple hundred "favorites.") While my "crush" on her has been smothered (might have something to do with her getting married) I still remember fondly those couple months were I would let this song play on those spring, summer, and fall evenings. I'd drive with the windows down and just let the smooth rhythm play.

These Posts, They Keep A Comin'

I had the opportunity to see 2 artists recently; Jason Myles Goss and Sara Masterson. I had a William Fitzsimmons Pandora station and Jason kept coming up on it. A group of 3-4 songs and I liked each one.

I found out he would be doing a show in Chicago and talked a good friend into going with me. The opening act (I say act, but they actually shared the time) was Sara Masterson. I listened to a little of her sound before but it was more rock/indie than folk. I didn't dislike it, but it isn't a general style of music I appreciate.

This was a small venue in the back section of a restaurant. There were maybe 10-12 tables and a couple were removed to form the "stage." Both played for a little over an hour and sounded very good.

Jason was pleasant and very amiable. I actually "left him hanging." I told him I enjoyed the show and wanted to buy a couple CD's. I had already shaken his hand and turned away thinking our business had been concluded. Well he actually wanted to shake one more time and didn't realize it. I'm the a-hole in the bar tonight.

As Sara played I started thinking just how attractive a woman is when she is singing. While she may not do much folk, what she did that night was very good. I really enjoyed her set. She is quite pretty, but combined with her musical talents made her otherworldly, maybe even ethereal. It then led me to think of the other women I have known who sing and how much I enjoy hearing them.

It got me thinking about folk in general. My musical tastes have varied quite a bit over the years. Going from oldies (introduced because of my parents), to mild R&B and pop from Hoosier Hot 96.3 on the school bus, to country because of a couple good friends, to a mixture of contemporary christian and 90's grunge in high school to the folk of today. I have soft spots for artists in each of my "phases" but I feel I am enjoying folk the most.

I remember buying cd's previously were I may only enjoy a handful (2-3) songs on the cd and the rest wasn't that good. Now maybe my taste in music has changed, or artists are more purposeful in creating a a well rounded and pleasant disc, but of these artists that have been brought to my attention I enjoy 90%-100% of their cd. I can only think of a few cd's where the entire one is strong (Weezer - Blue album, I'm looking at you).

I have to feel that it is how folk is intended to come across. Folk artists are often acoustic (them and a guitar/paino) or have a limited supporting ensemble. They don't rely upon heavy use of synthesizers, flashy effects, or voice modulators (autotune, though you did give me Lil' John with his what's, yeah's, and alrights). The best way to describe them would be authentic. The way they sound in concert is the way they sound on their cd's. The experience is the same and it's very refreshing to listen to them knowing the experience you'll get.

This one is an oldie but a goodie. She was another girl I met from church. She was beautiful. Long dark hair, kinda tomboyish (grew up on a farm), and ... knew my name (which honestly is about all you need for a guy to think you're cute). She knew my family since before my mother passed away and always treated me kindly during those awkward late grade school to middle school years.

This will show you just how far in my past we're looking. The song I'll forever associate with her is I Think We're Along Now by Tommy James and Shondells. I had a dream (omg I'm remembering a dream I had from back when I was 12ish... not elfish or elvish or Elvis), she was in it. We were in a gravel driveway running away from something/someone and I grabbed her by the hand and this song was playing. That's all that I remember and it became ingrained in my mind that it was about her.

The probability of me seeing her again is very unlikely, but I'll always remember the nice, sweet, dark-haired girl who was kind to me after my mother died and her song.

30 going on 20

The other day I was told, by two different groups of people, that I looked like I was in my early to mid twenties. Apparently when I shave I have a young face. I was estimated 4 to 7 years younger than I am. I'm pretty sure it's due to all my years to easy living. Strike that, extra easy living.

I'm going to be honest, I don't really feel like I'm going to be turning 30. I know I'm an "old man" but 30 really isn't that old. Most professional athletes are just emerging in their respective fields at 30. (I'm about the farthest thing from a professional athlete but the comparison between emergence in a field, knowledge of a position, and growth demonstrates that it isn't until this age when I truly start to shine.)

Hard living really does take an effect on the individual. I thought "A Picture of Dorian Gray" was an interesting take on society and humanity, but I don't think I realized until recently, how hard living or life in general can beat someone up (mentally, emotionally, and physically). The effects of Dorian's hard life were transplanted to the picture. I'm sure there hundreds thousands millions of people who want nothing more than to transfer or dull the pain of life. I figure that's why alcohol, drugs, smoking, and all sorts of other vices are so prevalent. (The last sentence forced me to learn "html" for the strikethrough. I learned something today.)

I met this woman at a bonfire. I remember seeing her auburn/reddish/blond hair as it was highlighted by the bonfire. I thought she was gorgeous. She had a captivating smile and wonderful laughter. I can't remember much more about the evening other than staring at her through the firelight. I probably creeped her out quite a bit (or more likely she didn't even notice).

I had heard Mat Kearney a couple of days/weeks earlier. I liked his music and the song All I Need got stuck in my head. It's another piano driven ballad. (I'm starting to see a trend develop.) I must've seen the movie 28 Days Later or TV series Jeremiah recently because I have this picture in my mind of the song occurring during a post-apocalyptic world were 2 people are the only "survivors" in an area. They are both running for their lives and he is leading the way and she stumbles and he comes back for her.

I was told that she was "big into that guy." I can't help but always think of her and that song or that song always reminds me of her. Either way the two are intertwined forever in my mind.

B'ing and M'ing

Let me describe a situation for you and then let you judge the suitable outcome.

You work in a department with a team that rents equipment. You're good friends with the team but you don't work directly with them. You "borrow" a piece of equipment and was quoted a rate of $35. Your understanding was that that was what you would pay (per day or total length wasn't mentioned).

One of their employees comes to you today an informs you about being charged. They inform you the rate is now $75 and had been $50 for several years now. You make offhand comments about not realizing that it had gone above $35 because that's what it was when you worked with them closely 3 years ago. You also thought your $35 was the going rate and when you were told that you'd get a 50% discount that it would be 50% off of $35.

In addition to this you have this equipment for 2 weeks. You make more offhand comments about "not using it for more than 5 minutes one week" and then "just a little bit" the following week. You aren't expecting to be charged for the first week and you really didn't use it much the second week.

In what business world does that even matter or make sense. You borrowed equipment and was told up front that you would be charged for it. When you "borrow" (which is technically renting) you tend to have to pay for it. How does "only used it 5 minutes" make any difference. You received a HUGE discount for the equipment already. You didn't have to go through any of the traditional hassle of renting equipment and the cost is significantly reduced and you're trying to weasel your way out of more of the cost.

To wrap up the conversation you end it with, "I'll have to check with the financial people to see what we can afford from the budget." How petty, thrifty, cheap, manipulative, and conniving do you have to be to take more advantage of your relationship with this group. Everything that comes forth sounds like you're the one being hurt/inconvenienced by this. It is as though you never expected to pay for this equipment and now that you are you're offended they even asked to be reimbursed for their equipment.

Morning ... "Thoughts"

I need to get married, if for no other reason, than when I go to the doctors for a physical or prostate exam it won't be as awkward as the last couple of times. ... iykwim.

Keep it secret, keep it safe

I've known this woman since I was in middle school. I was at church after a pretty long period of absence (my mother was sick and we didn't go for a over a year). We went back one Sunday evening and she was in my class. I thought she was cute and liked her (in the way that 5th or 6th graders do). So I told my parents that I liked this place and wanted to go back.

A couple of years go by. We're in high school now and have know each other for a few years. She had grown to be a very beautiful woman and one evening we were out grabbing food/supplies for a party at a friends house and the song "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry started playing. She said she really liked this song and like that it became "her song" in my mind.

The song is pretty pop oriented. It's catchy and appealed to me as a teenager. I loved the way the lyrics flowed and the beat progressed. I also loved the vocal style of the singer. There was gravelly sound or something I tend to associate with rolling your R's when you're speaking Spanish. He also had a fairly baritone sound which allowed me to sing along with him without sounding like a fool.

I haven't seen her in years (read since college). The CD I had is long gone, but each time I hear this song I'm reminded of a summer evening, sitting in Wal-Mart's parking lot waiting for someone to come back with food for a party and my friend saying "I like this song" and singing along to it with her.

I am fascinated by writing styles. I find it very interesting when an author writes in a manner that just seems to draw me in. Jerry Holkins (aka Tycho Brahe) from Penny Arcade is one of those writers. His phrasing, timing, and word usage just engages me. I haven't determined what the little thing is that I find so enjoyable about the way he types. I have a friend who manages to do a similar thing. His choice of words, the way he phrases his comments, or his timing feels like it's aimed right at me.

I say that because I aspire to write like them. I've blogged before but never have I felt that my writing was very engrossing. I'll make myself laugh but that's because I'm a narcissist. I hope to refine my style and maybe, one day, find out that it appeals to others in a way that Jerry or my friends' appeals to me.

Ryan Long and Melancholy

I enjoy folk music. The soothing tones have a way of calming me, gently relaxing me, but occasionally they enhance an underlying mood that has been building and present for a little while.

Today I find myself listening to an artist a roommate introduced me to from college. (I really should buy his CD and support the artist, and after almost 10 years, I think I've finally reached a point where I am going to do that.) The CD is Send Up A Flare and contains songs that are hopeful, but in a soft, slow, melancholy manner. They remind me of Amos Lee, but without the swearing and hard living that he often incorporates (mind you I love his music too).

As I sit here and remember aspects of my life I wonder just what am I trying to say, what do I want to "blog" about, and how will this blog reflect upon me. I've decided to take a more anonymous approach to this site. Eventually I'll bring it to peoples' attention, but until then bcoatedb will remain my little incognito section of this vast world ... or internet.

Something that might warrant an explaination; the name originates from a Scrubs episode where Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are trying to "break the will" of another resident. She is happy, naive, and it is killing them. In one scene they are discussing how this other character views people and they both comment that people are "bastard coated bastards with bastard filling." I have (and currently) refer to myself as a bastard and well... what better way to introduce myself to this world than with a little honesty. I am indeed a bastard. I might have heart of gold, but trust me, at some point I'll be a bastard and then I'll make sense to you. Why did I choose bcoatedb? Bcb... and b-c-b... were already taken so I was left with this sorry sack of a name. Honestly it is probably for the best since bastardcoatedbastard might be a little offensive if/when it is discovered by friends, family, well-wishers, and ... bastards.

One last thing (and hopefully I'll get around to this), I've been toying with a thought recently about discussing music and women. Every so often a women comes into my life and around that same period a song gets stuck in my head. I begin to associate that song with that girl. The song reaches a point where I want to hear it incessantly (borderline obessively) but eventually fades to be replaced by another. The same could be said for these women who pass through my life. I meet them, become interested in them, and as quickly as they come, they move on.

I'd like to start blogging about these songs and the friends I associate with them. It's nothing vulgar. The biggest hindrance to this will be to remember the girl or the song. Off the top of my head I can remember at least 3 girls and their accompanying songs. Expect an update "soon." (Soon in this regard follows the Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. meaning.)