The best laid schemes of mice and men

The plan was to be engaged this winter; literally over these past 3 weeks. The wedding would be sometime this summer or early fall. We would be married, living in my apartment, living like no one else so that later we could live like no one else.

I had a discussion with people whose advice I highly value. I asked questions like:

1. Should a person be held accountable because of their family? If their family does something horribly wrong is it their fault too?
2. How does someone change? 
3. Can their spouse, significant other, or romantic interest be a part of that change?

Answer #1
Why was this important? I needed to know if some of the bad tendencies that I noticed in her family were really causes to be alarmed about. Were they issues that should cause me to second guess a relationship with her. I did not feel that it was cause to end the relationship, but I needed/wanted confirmation.

It was confirmed that a persons family should not be held against them. If their father is in jail for raping someone it should not be held against them. They cannot be held accountable to their parents mistakes. But if they rape someone it is a major concern. It is a huge red flag and any romantic relationship should be put on hold or cut altogether.

This should cause you to be more aware of how they respond to those stressors. When disagreements or arguments arise, how do they handle them? How do they respond to their elders if they come from a dysfunctional home? They are a product of that environment. It means that they may hate the behavior and yet repeat it (as I am all too familiar with doing).

Answer #2
Why was this important? I needed to know how I can help them change. If it is such bad behavior and something I do not want in a spouse then I want to know how to change it.

It is changed ... by themselves. I have changed in the 7+ years I have lived out here. I have matured and ... wizened in that time. I also have reckless tendencies, but I control them, channel them, and use them constructively, versus giving in to them.

But it was a slow process and it took time. It was something that was working on me, through me, and in me for a while until I had an epiphany. I want to do this or operate in that manner. No one came to me and said, "You will do this now" or "You will think this way now." Talk like that sounds very hypnotic and I have yet to be hypnotized.

So a person changes because they want to. This makes sense because we, humans, do what we want to do. If we want to change we will and if we don't want to change then we won't. Four years ago I wanted to attached a woman in my masters cohort. I wanted to be a man she would be attracted to. I began working out regularly and got involved in a sports club. I changed because I wanted to.

So this person will change their behavior when they want to. It usually takes a triggering moment. Mine was wanting this woman to like me. It was my triggering moment. It ... spurred me to growth.

Answer #3
Why was this important? I desperately needed this answer because of the first two questions. I had to know if I could be a part of this change. I'm going to spoil this section, this is where my heart broke. This is where I made the hardest choice I have made in my life to date.

The short answer is, "No." No you cannot be a part of this change. The longer answer is yes, but with so many caveats, stipulations, and boxes to fill that the likelihood of a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest being a part of this is rarely possible or a good idea.

The much longer answer is that it depends on the work that needs to be done. I had a mother until I was 13, but in reality she was sick from when I was 9 or 10 to, literally the day I turned 13 (she probably should've been in the hospital that week, but wasn't). So I spent from age 9-13 in a home where my mother was sick. Both of my parents worked hard to provide for my sister and I, but it was a home where hurt and pain entered.

Then at age 13 I lost my mother. I did the only thing a 13 year old knew to do. I made a vow to myself that I would never be hurt like that again. It was a stupid promise that indeed worked very well until I realized that I am 30 years old and have let very few people into my life. So I broke that vow (or more accurately realized its foolishness) and let someone into my life.

She was an instrument of change in my life. She helped me learn to love someone again; to love them so deeply it hurts when they aren't there. I look back on my life and wonder how many people have I missed having a love this deeply. I believe in a God that feels this way about me (and truth be told he feels this way about everyone).

But my growth doesn't stop there. I missed ~9 years of watching, learning, seeing, and educating myself under parents who would model married life to me. This does not do my father justice, but I was not into drugs, smoking, sex, or unconscionable people so technically I was ok. I was not, but from the outside looking in, I was fine.

I am learning these lessons now. I need to learn how to be truly unselfish. I am incredibly giving and charitable in some areas of my life and horrendously selfish and manipulative in others. These lessons are ones I learn from having them taught to me from a mother and father.

Hidden Answer #3B - The unforeseen question
If these are lessons I learn from parents then what happens if it is a spouse, significant other, or romantic interest that becomes the teacher? I can't speak to other children (we are all children after all), but I do resent my parents. Not all the time, but some times I do. I need a break from them. I need to make mistakes and know they'll be there to help me get back up (at least healthy, responsible parents will be).

If my spouse is teaching me these lessons and they are learned from a parent, it is very likely that I will begin to see my spouse less as a spouse sharing life and experiences with me and more as a parents scolding me when I am bad, cleaning up after me, and teaching me lessons in life. I am going to rebel against them. In a marriage this rebellion takes the form of an affair.

The Penultimate or Mayhaps the Ultimate
I want to believe that I can change of my own accord, without external intervention, but the truth remains that I need some sort of stimulus, some triggering event in order for change to occur. Being told that I am selfish is not a trigger because I can point to weekends devoted to others, labor that I will never see any tangible reward from, that demonstrates I am unselfish and giving. The change I need needs to occur deep down in my heart. This change can only occur when I am broken; so that I can be remade whole again and stronger than before.

The Ultimate
And so we end where we began. These plans, 2+ years in the making are not going to happen. We will not be engaged over the winter, nor will we be married in the summer or early fall. We have spoken less than 3 minutes in the past 3 weeks where for 2+ years we would spend entire days together.

I am really struggling with this. The logic makes sense. It even has supporting evidence, but I want to say, "Damn it all, I'm different and it won't happen to me. I won't let it."

Yeah, It's Been Kind of Rough

This has been a particularly rough day. I have been sick before. I have sick to the point where it felt like I was going to die before (queue overly dramatic music). But over the past 2 1/2 years I have had a dear friend sitting beside me, keeping me company, and helping me feel better.

I don't have that friend with me today and it really hurts.

Nothing, Nothing at All

I don't want to eat because every meal I planned I planned for us.
I don't want to make plans because I would make them with both of us in mind.
I don't want to watch anything because we would watching programs together.
I don't want to do anything because I was always waiting for the next moment we could spend together.
I don't want to drive places because I'm not going to pick her up.
I feel like I have lost my best friend.

I want to call her all the time to make sure she is ok.
I want to see her and confirm that she is alright with my own eyes.
I want to hug her and never let her go.
I want to kiss her forehead.
I want to smell her perfume.
I want to hear about her day.
I want to share with her mine.
I miss her very much.

We need distance.
We need separation.
We need to make meals for ourselves.
We need to make plans that do not involve each other.
We need to watch programs alone.
We need to feel comfortable being alone again.
We need to be reminded who our best friend really is and the joy that can be found with them.

The first paragraph made me depressed.
The second made me sad and about to cry.
The last gave me hope and reminded me what I need to do. I really do feel better after writing and reading this last paragraph.

To The Very Fires of Mordor

There is a scene in The Fellowship of the Ring where the men are tempted by the ring. Boromir attempts to take the ring by force making Frodo flee. Frodo is found by Aragorn and Frodo asks the question, "Will you be able to protect the ring from yourself?" Frodo then holds the ring out to Aragorn.

Aragorn moves towards Frodo, kneels down, and hessitates over taking the ring. He pauses for this brief moment and then closes Frodo's hand around the ring and pushes it towards Frodo. He says, "I would have followed you to the very end; to the very fires of Mordor."

I see that exchange as a trial that Aragorn must pass and he has enough knowledge of himself to say that he would have protected the ring to the very end, but come up wanting like his fore bearers. His sire Isildur had the opportunity to destroy the ring and rid Middle Earth of the threat of Sauron once and for all and the temptation of power corrupted him and he failed to fulfill his task.

Aragorn was faced with the same scenario and he knew he would fail like Isildur.

I faced a trial over the past 24 hours. This is the hardest, most gut wrenching choice I had to make in my entire life. I had to choose between ignoring warning signs, heeding wise advice and counsel, and pursuing my own dreams and desires or ending the relationship that we have been cultivating for almost 3 years.

I would have followed her to the very end; to the very fires of an unhappy marriage.

I lied to myself. I turned a blind eye to red flags and by lying to myself I lied and misled her. I have never loved her more than I have over the past day. I cried more over the past day than in 3 years of our relationship.

During the course of the conversation we acknowledged that we both failed. We both ignored warning signs, made compromises, and let each other off on issues that are "make-or-break."

I have issues from my script, my story, that I need to take care of. I have growth that needs to happen. I need to move, grow, and go forward. I now fear slipping back into old paths.

"Change comes with pain, but the pain of staying the same will eventually be even worse."

The Great Debate(r)

The concept of homosexuality has been brought up a good deal in discussion between the girlfriend and I. I do not have any answers and so this is merely a forum for thoughts versus a desire to generate any specific dialogue.

I adhere to a Christian worldview. This worldview states that there are morally right and wrong things to do. One of these wrong things is a homosexual lifestyle. A morally right thing is to speak with fellow believers regarding morally wrong things and to challenge each other to change (i.e. move towards morally right things).

We (in the general Christian sense) have a responsibility to other Christians to confront and encourage in growth and right living. The question I struggle with is how, when, and in what ways do I encourage non-Christian followers (or even Christian followers) in right living? More specifically, how do I show the good work done in me to my friends who are gay/lesbian.

The gay/lesbian lifestyle is not foreign to me. I have a good friend I have known since college who is gay (though they did not identify with that lifestyle until after college). I have a cousin who is a lesbian. I worked for a gay "couple" (it isn't that I do not acknowledge their living arrangement, but I am positively unsure if they were a couple or merely "friends with benefits") for several years. I have worked beside, traveled with, and am related to gay/lesbian individuals. They have been a part of my life and influenced me in several areas (part of my work ethic and attention to detail comes from lessons I learned while working with them).

I have never felt abused or taken advantaged of by them. While I may disagree with how they ran a business I have never felt any animosity towards them. This is my history with the gay/lesbian culture and lifestyle.

The lifestyle simply does not make sense to me. From a scientific point of view it is not possible for homosexual entities to procreate. An hypothesis could be made that there have not been enough generations of homosexual attempts to breed and thus evolution will take place, it just hasn't yet. (Though according to scientists mankind has been on Earth for over 250,000 years and it would not be out of the realm of possibility to assume/conclude that homosexual individuals have been around that long.)

Another hypothesis is that this requires a child born with both sex organs, then choosing (or having the choice determined for them by guardians) and then being able to procreate. The problem is that this would require a single sex organ reproducing with a member of the opposite sex. It just does not work naturally and would require outside interference in order for it to work and continue the existence of the species. From a scientific standpoint I do not see homosexuality working.

The core of my struggles appears to lie with whether homosexuality is a choice or a factor of biology. My worldview leans towards homosexuality being a choice. This choice is not biological, but personal and is up to the individual to choose differently. In my opinion the "evidence" does not support a biological basis and because of that I lean towards a choice.

It is not a clear cut choice though. It is a grey area full of history and culture that a person is raised in. Something I do agree with is that individuals can find themselves more comfortable or aligning closer with one sex or the other.

For example a male child that had a strong motherly influence (hard, aggressive, masculine, etc.). They identify traditional maternal attributes in men. Add to this an insecurity around women and you have a male who seeks female attributes in men and is more comfortable socializing with men. Why wouldn't they be attracted to men if they are more comfortable and can find the type of companionship they desire in the same sex? It does not make it biological (though it may appear that way), but is a result of the environment they were raised in. It is not their fault, but they do have a choice.

All this could be moot though. The Christian worldview also has a concept of a fallen nature. In essence this world was created perfect (without fault). Sin entered this world and made it corrupt. This corruption could (and may very likely) extend to biology and the traditional heterosexual relationship. In this case a person could be biologically drawn to the same sex and have little choice...

... And that hurts because I am finding that love is a wonderful thing. The thought that someone would be denied the ability to love as I love is very hurtful. The thought that God would allow someone to have to live a life where they are constantly drawn to relationships with the opposite sex knowing that it is wrong "in the eyes of God" is troublesome.

I do believe in a God who is capable of miracles and this seems to be only way to hope. (I freely admit I do not see all avenues and God is much wiser than me.)

Thinking and other Thoughts

I stirred around 6:00 this morning and could not go back to sleep. My mind was overwhelmed by the thoughts of the previous day and of days yet to come.

I have been told that she is "confused" and "doesn't know where our relationship is going." She tells me that I am afraid of commitment and that guys (me included) have a problem with committing. I don't believe I have a problem with committing. I do have a problem with preparation, or more specifically the lack of preparation.

I have heard that as women go through pregnancy they begin to "nest." i.e. Prepare a place for their child to live, thrive, receive nourishment, and grow all in relative safety. That is not seen as abnormal. I feel I am going through a similar (though different) circumstance. I want to have aspects of my life in order before I ask her to join me on this path through life. I want to have money saved and set aside. I want to make sure I can provide for her. I want to make sure that I am providing a place of safety and growth. This is "male nesting."

I just recently saved $1000. It has taken several months and there were some setbacks when saving to that point. Now that I have that set aside I want to begin saving for an engagement ring, the wedding, honeymoon, and all the other expenses that accompany building a life with a wife. I feel like she assumes I make more or have more than I say; that I am better off than I really am.

I have very strong opinions regarding marriage and divorce. My generation and those that come after me are so quick to jump in marriage without looking at where we/they are going. Marriage is a significant milestone in life. It brings both joy and pain. What is the need to rush headlong towards it without having a plan or eliminating obstacles. Marriage is hard enough as it is that is does not need any help making it any more challenging. I want to remove as many challenges before I am married as I can.

I feel like I am pushing a massive stone up a ramp. This stone is huge and is comprised of all the problems that can occur for an individual and some that happen to a couple. When I begin to think of rings, weddings, honeymoon's, etc. this stone, at its current place will rollback over me.

What woman would want her man to take out a loan to pay for her engagement ring; or a loan for the wedding or honeymoon? Why would you want to start off married life under those burdens?

So a possible solution is to work more. I have the opportunity for overtime, but it is not consistent overtime. We have both talked about picking up part time jobs. However, there is a problem. If I pick up a part-time job I don't plan on placing many restrictions on my schedule. This means I'll be available to work every evening but Thursday night and Sunday morning. I could easily see myself working Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, then Saturday afternoon to evening and the same for Sunday. Working like that when will I have time to spend it with her? Then she is planning on working part time.

From what I gather she would work Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We would see each other for Sunday service, Thursday night after small group, and maybe one other day during the week. Her love language is quality time and we are down to spending time together twice during the week, ~8:30 to 10 on Thursdays and 7 to 10 either Monday or Tuesday. We currently spend about 5-6 evenings together now. I have been told that even that is not "quality time" and that I need to do more. How in the world can I give more quality time in 4.5 hours versus the 10-20 that we share now?

I know quantity of time does not always equal quality of time, but it does help. I do not know where this time will come from. I do not know where I will find more money. I want this relationship to succeed. I am just not feeling the love... I guess.

Waiting for My New Life to Begin

The title comes from this segment on Scrubs. It apparently is also a Colin Hay song (who has a long and storied history with Scrubs). It seemed relevant given the length of time between this post and the last one (congrats to 6+ months between posting).

As a new year has begun I need to begin with an airing of grievances.

1. LogMeIn has decided to discontinue their Free service. I made use of this service as it was easy, convenient, and I have had a prior relationship with LogMeIn and they had established some goodwill with me. The decision to discontinue this service was practically immediate. Users were given 7 days to find a replacement. If this news was dropped a month or two prior to the cancellation and we were informed it would be closing as of XYZ date it would be a different story. Users awoke with an e-mail that said their product offering would end in 7 days.
   
   I did not use this service for profit. I used it personally. I operated within the intention of its use.
   
   As an incentive users were given a 50% discount for the paid subscription to the LogMeIn service. The problem is that their pricing is, in my opinion (and apparently many others'), very overpriced. A base subscription to LogMeIn Pro for 1 year is $99. This allows you to install the app on 2 workstations and fully control those 2 from any other location. The problem is that I have 3 computers I would use regularly.
   
   This is what I would expect for a $99/year subscription.
   A. A mobile and tablet friendly application. I can control my computers from any iOS device, Android device with Android 4.0 or newer, and even Windows Mobile.
   B. This would not be limited to workstations. The application would allow the remote control of mobile devices too. I want to access my iPad from my computer ... I can do it. I want to locate my Android phone ... I can do it.
   C. The limit would be increased from 2 workstations to 10-20 devices. My computers, tablets, phones, fridges, roombas, it doesn't matter; I can access it all through one device and vice-versa.
   
   What goodwill LogMeIn had generated over the past couple of years was gone the instant they gave me 7 days of continued use and then pay $50 for their product. That is not how you conduct business, treat your users, and spend the goodwill you have earned.
   
2. Several years ago there was a nasty ice storm that moved through the region. My employer had not called work off so I dug myself out, slowly made my way into the office, got situated for a day of work, and was told that they called it, and were sending people home at 9 a.m.
   
   After that incident they stated that if local schools were closed we would close too. As it so happened local schools closed. Classes were cancelled and both students and faculty were told to stay home, but staff were asked to come to work. Not exactly the position they stated they adopted previously. Add that this decision to cancel classes happened by 4:00 p.m. the previous day, but they could not decide to shutdown until 9:00 the following morning.
   
   To add further fuel to the situation this exact same scenario was played out differently 3 weeks prior and resulted in a different resolution. It is the proverbial right-hand not knowing with the left-hand is doing conundrum.