Forgiveness

I have horrible habits. One of these habits is to shift the blame (it has also been known as blame shifting). I was given answers that were technically true and I ran with it.

The right decision was made, but I told the story incorrectly. I feel I am more to blame for the relationship not working out than she is. When we spoke I made it out to be her, her family, and how she reacts. That is true, but that is only partially true because I should bear more of the burden than I had.

I failed her. I failed myself. I failed God.

I did not make God a priority in the relationship. I did not set a spiritual tone. I did not always show respect to her or place her first. I lived selfishly and self-indulgently. If I am to make any progress; if I am to grow at all I have to acknowledge these failures in my life and work to make them strengths.

The funny thing is that I have taken weaknesses and turned them to strengths before. I vividly remember a former boss coming to me and making a major show of my lack of attention to detail. I made it a point to "show him" and I feel that attention to detail is a major strength of mine to this day.

I owe her an apology. She needs to know that it is not her or her families fault that we broke up. It was my fault and I can accept that. I did not lead the relationship, I mislead her (even if it was a lie of omission it was still a lie). If my sister or good friend were dating a man like me I would advise them to end the relationship. It would only bring pain, suffering, and heartache.

Fairness

"The world isn't fair, Calvin"

"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

-- Bill Watterson as Calvin

My previous thoughts may have lead you to think negatively of others or, perhaps, very poorly of me. The truth is that I, on occasion, do a very poor job of explaining.

The truth is that I am late to this thing called life. I have failed in working on myself. I have loved ones who have fought (tooth and nail) to wake me up, but I have not heeded their warnings and so I find myself in the position that I am.

The truth is that if my sister, mother, or dear friend where in a relationship with a man like me I would be honor bound to tell them how dangerous pursuing a life with a person like me would be.

The truth is that I am not a bad person. This is where the problem begins. I believed the fallacy that since I am not a bad person then I am pretty good. If I am pretty good it is not a far step away from being good. Since I am a good person then I must not do very bad things. This means the things I do cannot be truly harmful to others or myself because only bad things would fit that bill. Overall, I am a good person (because I am not a bad person).

The truth is that I am a selfish person and when I am measured I am found little, petty, childish, and immature.

The truth is that I need to grow up.

"Sad little king of a sad little hill."

-- River Tam