30 Days

I made a commitment 30 days ago. I attended my first meeting desperately seeking help and I am proud, excited, thrilled to say that I am 30 days sober as of yesterday.

It has not been easy. There have been days where I wanted to give up, quit, and fall back but something/someone has kept me going even when I did not want to.

I have lived in one state of being and mind for 20 years. My habits, my body, my mind have adopted and developed certain processes and those are all being forced to change.

Since attending these meetings I have found the following to be helpful and true.

1. I am not a "freak." I am not alone in my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. There are other men and women that struggle with similar issues.
2. It takes a good deal of humility, humbleness, and strength to admit you do not have the answers and need help. I am a very proud man. My parents did a good job (not necessarily the best they could do, but it was still good) opening doors, but is and always has been up to me to walk through them and make do with what I have. I got my job through a friend, but all he did was put the bug in my ear to apply. It was, and has been, my ability to maintain employment and a career here. I say that because it means I have worked for my job. I take pride in my accomplishments and this leads back to ultimately taking pride in myself. I needed to be broken and reach my bottom out point. I still have aspects of my life that I have not committed to God yet, but He is working on and in me.
3. Being open and honest with your hurts, hang-ups, and habits is incredibly freeing. Sin likes to hide. The more it hides the more shame it can convince you of. Shame leads you to believe that you are not good enough, strong enough, or that correcting behavior is not worthwhile. It is a vicious downward spiral. The great thing about sharing your sin with others is that it can no longer hide. When you share it with others who struggle with it too you feel a sense of belonging. You are not the only one struggling with these issues. There are others and you help each other.
4. Lastly, through this process of recovery I desperately need other people in my life. Each of these steps requires being in community with others. You cannot go through this alone. Going through this alone requires you to lean upon your own will power. Leaning upon your own will power has not cured you in the past. What makes you think it can cure you in the future. Eventually you will fail and the cycle will begin again. (Do you not see the pride in believing that you can do this all on your own. That you do not need other people? It is prideful to say, "I do not need anyone.")

I know that God is treating me with kid gloves. I am a baby when it comes to this road to recovery. I'm a noob. God's grace has been to supplement my strength with his and give me the confidence to realize that hope, hope of ending this cycle of shame and addiction is possible.

I broke the first night I was there. I had begun to realize that the man I was was no where close to the man I really wanted to be. I was a selfish man living for himself. I had bouts of generosity and giving, but they were not as frequent as my selfish desires. I sat there sharing my story, crying in front of these men who I had never meet before and I realized that each one had been exactly where I was. They had been broken too.

As the session went on I was invited to attend additional meetings, waking up at untold hours in the morning and driving for hours on days off to attend more meetings. The truth is that this was a little overwhelming. I wanted to admit that I was not that bad... yet.

I also had a much darker and cruel thought. The idea said, "if these men couldn't get fixed by these sessions then what makes you think that attending more sessions would fix them." I was actually appalled that this thought even entered my mind. How cruel, hurtful, and stupid was I? And so I stopped very early in that mindset and God placed a new idea in my mind.

God said, "Like you, these men are fighting and striving to crush these addictions in their life. They are pursuing and creating opportunities for them to succeed. They want to be free. If that freedom requires them to attend a session everyday of the week then so be it. It is not for you to judge them you foolish child. They have been fighting for years. You were broken after your first real relationship. You are addicted, but not to the point these others have been. You are very fortunate, but you are not free. Don't ever presume to judge another man for these same faults you struggle with. Love them, encourage them, share your story, pray for them, and do everything in your power to help them succeed."

This all happened very fast, but it was convicting none-the-less. I am a mere child on this road to recovery. Right now I am a tree planted in good top soil. Pretty soon I will be faced with the same situations I have had for the past 20 years. How will I respond? Will I fall to temptation like I have done for so long? Will I rise to meet it and trample temptation under my feet? The only thing I know is that for 20+ years I could not control my life. With God's help, persistence, and guidance I have achieved more victory in 30 days than I accomplished in 20 years.

I really like the me I am becoming. I have hope in my life. I have people in my life. I love them very much. ... I feel like I am growing.